*Grumbles*

- I like my bank actually. Theyre big, theyre fairly convenient and although they charge entirely too much for a basic account and fuck with my deposits for a week (I know, they take a BROAD NY .. they dont do this shytte in other states...interpretation of the law requiring banks to have YOUR money available to you within 2 days.. by the time theyve taken advantage of every loophole and kited your cash for maximum profitt, an actual week has passed before all your money is available to you..), it really is no different from your average blood-sucking NY bank, same crap, different stench, so theyre pretty decent out of a bad lot, all things considering.

But for me to deposit a check, I have to leave the *#$^%%#&@( state, because there are no branches in the entire North Jersey area!!!!

They are a GLOBAL bank, with branches in every state of the union, fer chrissakes.

And they force me to cross the river to a place where they have 4 branches within 6 blocks of each other???

Can you effing BELIEVE that shytte???

- I am not a ($&%^$*#)% web page designer. I $#^%^#( dont like screwing with Other People's Computers, to the point that the thought of another help desk job gives me the sweats.

So why do assholes keep wanting me to make web sites for them, for no recompense?

Even when I say 'NO' many, many times?

- I wish I could get the funds to stabilize this sitiuation and get the equipment and agreements to started on the projects. Now. Make my landlord un-nervous about me and me working towards all this.

I know, I know, this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Doesnt make it any more fun, shytte.

Whoo.

Ok, that felt a little better.
---------

Today's Horrorscope:

If you feel uncomfortable in your business suit, you may be trying to maintain an image that isn't
yours.
Your financial situation improves when you give up a bad habit.
Don't be afraid of disappointment because you will learn from it.

Hmm.

There's so much to do, and yet, it all seems to stand still if an important cog in the wheel breaks.
Keep humor and philosophy at hand, and keep learning as you meet the needs of the moment.
Don't settle for less when it comes to love.

More hmmm.
----------------

To my favorite Gemini

Happy Belated, Poo.

Much Luv.

Okay.. this is brilliant.

This is effing brilliant.

Ovaltine.

Ovaltine Frappacinos.

Ovaltine Latte's.

Mmm yah.

Make it with the strong, harsh colonial versions (ie: British, Hong Kong, Trinidadian etc) and youve got yourself an automatic winner.

Starbux, I give this idea freely. Go. Serve it and they will come.

I would LIVE at Starbux if they offered it. (Not that I wouldnt be there anyways, but..)

gg: Uhhh, yeah Joe. You REALLY have your hand on the pulse of the american experience.

*blink* Whaddya mean. Shit.. part of the reason I love NewYork is that I can find Ovaltine stuff from all over the world in almost any Brooklyn neighborhood.

Shooo. Fuhgeddaboutit.

Man, this is high energy and addictive comfort food. Add the espresso shots and you cant miss.

It would work. Im tellin' ya..slap a snooty coffee shop logo on it and serve.

They will come.
--------------------
4:30pm

JPennant: Last night, being the asshole made me consider if this is something I should be doing.
Nancy: not should be.... want to be doing....
JPennant: the difference has become indistinguishable, really.
Nancy: then something is wrong... if you really want to be doing it then you'd have no doubts...
JPennant: Its not doubt
JPennant: Its the realization that in doing this, I have to change in ways I didnt anticipate to accomodate it.
Nancy: yep...
Nancy: one of the things ****** has realized too...
JPennant: yeah?
Nancy: it aint easy to compromise sometimes...
JPennant: Sure isnt.
JPennant: yep, youre right
JPennant: plus I dont want to drive away ALL my friends. sheesh.
Nancy: heeeheee


JPennant: LOL
JPennant: Im listening to Bloomberg Radio
JPennant: and the place that served the Bush girls their margaritas, are now being investigated by the Texas Liquor Commission
Nancy: ah duh....
JPennant: and they quote the manager as saying
JPennant: "Maybe it was a mistake calling 911 to report the Bush girls." :-)
Nancy: oh god
Nancy: texas people ::::shudder::::
JPennant: <--- dyin laffin

(Texas folk, dont go sending Nancy yer hatred. I find New York natives oft have an antipathy to things Texan. Not sure why....)
--------------------
T and the FireTruck



I DO remember it being cold beyond belief that night.

In 1984, while I was being young and typically brattish - I was asked a seminal question....

"Are you gonna be an asshole ALL your life?"

Wow.

I AM an asshole.

I took heed of that warning.

And I tried not to be.. except, I knew an intrinsic truth.

Sometimes you have to BE an asshole.

*sigh*

Lets just say.. when I see Mayor Guiliani sacking his police chief, or getting rid of someone who was at cross-purposes to what he's trying to achieve...

Or Steve Jobs.. well, being Steve Jobs.

Now I get it.

Today I did exactly that. And I had good reason.

It may be unpleasant, but now I see why it has to be done.

Sometimes you have to be an asshole to get things done.

Greater good and all that shytte.

And you cant always be nice about it.

But, no... I dont want to be an asshole all my life.
--------

Midday Dream

Wandering around manhattan. Found that the latest fad were coffeehouses done as black/r&b/jazz themed with a world class pastry chef.. reminded me wood-panelled steak houses.

As I was going into one I bumped into a tall, pretty bubbly woman.

She seemed awful glad to meet me.

When in the coffee house, I took a seat and had a simple coffee. (I seemed to be broke in the dream too, gahdurnit.)

When I looked back, there was the woman, who waved at me from her table... then invited herelf to mine.

We had a great old time, her buying, with the pastry chef personally coming over to give us our orders. WOW, she had an appetite. Enjoyed her pastry.

We walked out to Central Park, the streets beautiful after a rain, she talking a mile a minute.. me not saying much.

Then when it came time to find out who she was ... a horde of media folk came out of nowhere.. to accuse her, Julia Roberts, of merely picking me up in a long tradition of picking men up.

I remember not wanting to being one of many (the song Little Red Corvette going through my mind) so I quietly drifted off, leaving her to face the media horde, not intending to get in touch with her.

I remember wondering afterward if it was the right thing to do. She seemed awful nice. It seemed if I had never known who she was and her history.....

Segue past what seemed to be a bus crash carrying chinese immigrant women who were coming back from the supermarket. As if I were in the middle of TV broadcast, but not. It seemed the bus had crashed in the rain into a junkyard, with injured women, brightly colored shopping bags and groceries strewn all over. Hazmat folk were dumping the groceries, which seemed wrong somehow as the women had traveled far to simply get their groceries.

Past the junkyard, just outside of the New York City limits, I stumbled upon people skyjumping from hundreds of feet up from a tower.

I joined them jumping, in the drizzle, in the rain. We all had to walk back a long way to the buses.. this being New York, and the buses only going out so far.

As dreams do, it became surreal, as I stumbled upon a video shoot.. for, Im not sure.. it seemed to be a multi-cultural array of hula dancers, all colors, all models, with hooting beachgoers writhed with movie smoke and real fog. Then with a flash and much smoke, a neon yellow, new volkswagen beetle extended pickup truck roared over a ramp and skidded to a stop on the rain-slicked beach.

I remember thinking that it looked awfully like a Mustang II, and I wouldnt buy one.
-----------

Okie, thas the last time I have a day-old custard donut for lunch, and have coffee with a bright, bubbly woman who monopolizes the conversation...
------------

Maria's Bakery, now Dragon's Land , in Chinatown.



Miss my cold Ovaltine mixes.

---------------

I have mice in my walls.

Thats what I thought, because apart from my neighbors walking up and down the stairs and hearing the footsteps from the one above...my place has been very quiet.

Then I realized that someone was in the apartment in the building right next to mine.

Oh, ah.

I knew that since that apartment is right above the Dawg House club.. that it had been empty as no one could take the noise for long.

I went outside this evening and saw what I think is furniture from that apartment for the garbage collection in the morning.

Hmm. The couch looked clean. Hmm.

Shit. Essentially brand new.

In another life, I woulda grabbed it.

(Thinking of the Da-Da-Dah VW commercial..)

Flea spray (hard lesson, long story for another time) and some steam cleaning.. and Im good to go.

But Im an adult now. Thrift store dumpster diving .. no. Is verboten if I want to have some style in my place.

"But Im broke.." my inner voice whined.

I thought about it a bit, and said no.

I have a plan and I need to stick to it.

No curbside shopping.

Plus Im too lazy lug that thing up the stairs.....
---------------

Looking back on my old diary (Before the Blog)

Things have changed. And yet, its like I was anticipating things that are happening now...

08.01.2000
I dont need a room. I need a place.

And if it means moving out to the hellhole of Joisey (where I still
have outstanding speeding tickets).. so be it.

*Whistle* Prescient or what?

And on 11.21.2000

And yet, I get the strangest feeling that this hump shall pass
and things will get better, as long as I keep my eye on the ball.

There is a feeling of urgency with
this. As if I can go far and long,
but my success depends on me
committing myself and getting up
to speed quickly to take
advantage of upcoming
opportunities.

Ive got too much riding on this to
drop the ball.

Whoa.

The only thing I would ask the Genie of the Lamp for is...

Foresight with all the perspective of Hindsight.

Then again, part of the fun of life is not really knowing whats ahead, aint it.
--------------------------
Sun and Birds in Flight



Yes indeed, Jules and Brian... New York is beautiful in the fall.
-------

Brooklyn Bridge at dusk.



*sigh*

I miss my camera.
------

From The Strange California Journey Of Ramona White

The first sign of trouble came when I tried to tell my friends.
"Don't you love each other?" they asked.
"Yes," I said.
"You have fun together?"
"Yes," I said.
"Then why split up?" they asked. And asked. And asked.
"Because it will be time," I insisted.

But I might as well have been talking to a doorstop. I had no words to make them understand.

"Is it wrong?" I had asked Rick. "Is it wrong to cut someone loose to travel their own path?"
"I wouldn't call it wrong," he had said, "but it is weird."
"Why?" I had asked. "Why is it weird not to be selfish? Or maybe it is selfish." I had thought for a moment. "Maybe it is selfish to not want to spend the rest of your life with someone whose dreams are elsewhere and who wishes they were free to follow them."
"Maybe it is," he had said, "but I think it's a good selfish."

Can anyone really promise to love each other and stay together forever?
All we can do, all anyone can realistically do, is try to stay friends and give each other room to grow.

Hm.

When I moved to the South, I became a racist.

And a realist.

I firmly believe everyone, black/white/other, is a bigot at one level or another. Everyone has their prejudices.

To be honest about it.

Most people would like to think theyre not, that theyre good people.. and well, human.

Down south, I saw a place where people were expected to know their place. The code was obvious.

If you wanted to know the code, just ask.

People tried to get along, and people basically got along.. but you knew what time it was.

Before I got there, I dated interracially and freely. All races. Didnt even think about it. After.. I thought about it a bit more. A lot more.

Before I went down south, If I went to certain neighborhoods, my gut would tighten and I would talk to the cops who would check me out as to why I was in a neighborhood I so obviously didnt belong in.

After, I simply avoid the hassle.

So when a friend said I as becoming prejudiced, I was slightly incredulous.
She feels Im being unfair to people, maybe to her when I make passing references or cite examples.

Darling, I love you, and I understand how it feels...but you have it backwards.

Like most folk, I AM prejudiced. I am trying mightily to NOT be more prejudiced. I am TRYING to be fair to all. I am trying hard not to be bitter.

I didnt become this way overnight.

'White guy' mentality? She didnt like that term. Oh lord, I could go on for days with stories, RECENT AS LAST NIGHT< LAST WEEK< LAST MONTH< LAST YEAR that would illustrate as to what Im talking about.

By people I thought who were better than that.

That people wont go into certain neighborhoods because they dont feel comfortable?

Well duh. The example I cited.. I was talking to my cousin about it the other day... and before I was even halfway through, he finished without rancor or emotion:

"...and she didnt want to get it, even if she had a craving, because it wouldve meant going into an area she was uncomfortable in. And since most people dont like to feel like, admit, they do things like that, she is pissed at you for putting it out there in the open and making an example of her."

I didnt even have to spell it out.

And when I cited my friends example, I really wanted to tell her, why someone isnt thinking highly of her, frankly disappointed because she found excuses after excuses to not honor an invitation.

Lemme tell you the truth.

Sweetheart, even though they said it was ok when you didnt show up after you promised that you would? Its not ok. Trust me on this.

They truly thought you were better than that. Otherwise you wouldnt have been invited.

And the only way you can demonstrate that it is ok.. is to simply go to that neighborhood in broad daylight.

If you dont feel like it, or the prospect of going to that neighborhood bothers you.. SAY so.

Believe it or not.. they would appreciate a little honesty.

See, that is the thing about being down south. It may have been racist.. but for the most part - they tried to be honest about it.

And after awhile, even if I didnt like it, I appreciated being treated as if Im not a fool.

When the white girl I was dating, who lives out in Lake City warned me not to walk around her neighborhood, because all her neighbors had guns and could be trigger happy if they saw some unknown black person walking around the wrong part of town?

(note: Florida has a self-defence trespassing law. No one wouldve been charged if I were shot.)

I didnt take offense to it, because thats just the way it is. So she stayed over my place in the city after work more often than not.

And when I came back up North, I was glad to get away from the oppressively segregated atmosphere of the South.

To revel in New York City where people mix together because they HAVE to, whether they like it or not.

But there was one thing I wanted to keep from down south. I wanted people to be straight with me about what was up. Im a realist.

And for the most part people are.

I choose my friends carefully.

I try to be as open and accepting about them as I hope they are with me.

If I think about the people who show me loyalty and acceptance, there is no real pattern about their race or cultural background.

Doesnt need to be.

Race matters, but isnt AT ALL as important as the friendship, kindness, loyalty and acceptance.

These people demand the same thing I ask of them. That I am direct and trustworthy with them.

If that cant be, thats fine. I have enough friends who can.

So if you ask if Im prejudiced.. why, yes I am.

To be honest.

And like most people, I try not be.


-------------
Im truly getting tired of trying to explain myself and folk not listening.

Move on.
------------------

Whoa.

I was up until 6am, arguing with someone about the project so that we could be on the same page.

Oy.

Now my body is forcing myself to sleep, but Im just sleeping fitfully.

Im not young anymore. I cant even do 24 hours straight anymore, much less 72. My body will TAKE its sleep.. but still Im now in insomniac mode.

Heh. You get some odd dreams that way...

JPennant: Man. I still need some sleep.
Mcclint: take some sleepy-time pills
JPennant: Ick. Nonono
Mcclint: or go run around the block a few dozen times. THAT'll tire you out :-)
JPennant: or kill me :-)
Mcclint: minor details to work out later heheheheh
JPennant: lol

Ah well, lemme try this again. Mebbe Ive been thinking too much these last coupla days.

Mebbe I just need a drink.
------------
Wow. The strawberry plants have aleady rooted....

Looking good.

Still got that greene thumbe goin'.... :-D
------------

Memo
To: George K.
From: Joe Pennant

Re: Your insinuation, lies and damned lies that Ive turned into a cat-kissing feline lover.

For the record, Im still a dog person..

As the late 'Biggie' Smalls put it on his song 'Warning'

Nah. They my friends.
Nah. Much love.
Nah. wouldnt disrespect.

Im just saying, I was under the misconception that cats didnt show real affection like dogs do, and cat love was more than border-line wacky.

I might have been wrong about that.

Granted, they only show it when they feel like it, and on their own damned terms.

And cats are sometimes plain nuts.. climbing the walls and curtains when bored, running madly through the house for no apparent reason, going spastic on catnip and splashing their water tray all over the place.

But tell me if you wouldnt feel da love when they're curled up on you purring, or like HappyCat would do.. come check up on me chirping when I had insomnia or would be curled up with me when Im sleeping.

Plus, their antics are fodder for people who are easily amused like myself.

Yeah, he would take a swipe at my head from atop the bathroom door when I came out, generally wreck the place if he smelled any trace of catnip or regard me as prey at the weirdest times, and his butt smelled when he would jump on you JUST after he did his biz in the litter box. Eww.

But, all pets act up and gotta be booted outside from time to time.

Nah, I wouldnt have a dog now, cuz dogs NEED their acerage, specially in New York, where it should be a crime to have a dog, and he doesnt have his little yard to call his own. Cats are just efficient pets.

And sometimes, theyre not half bad.

Even Tito, who loves his pet rotweillers, loves his mousers, his bodega el gato.

By the way, on the other thing - broiled is better than fried.

Two words: jerked chicken.

It aint just about the allspice.

Just so you know. :-)
--------------

Nancy: these are the times when you find out who your "friends" are....

True dat.

I personally hate to see money change things, but the prospect of money brings out the greed and sleaze factor in some people.

Nancy: buenos tardes senor
JPennant: como esta senorita
Nancy: are ya a millionare yet?
JPennant: well, a few hundred here , a few G's there...
Nancy: every penny counts!
JPennant: heheh
JPennant: well, now I know itsa good idea, because someone is already trying to swipe it.
Nancy: really?
JPennant: the fewl :-)
JPennant: yeah, he's done it before
JPennant: failed then, will fail now.
JPennant: he doesnt know the difference between a vague proposal, and the executive summary of a real business plan.
Nancy: and we both know there is a huge difference
JPennant: Its the guy I was trying to get to help with (snip)
JPennant: he tried to steal my lottery site and content ideas back when
JPennant: and I can already see his mind working on this one...
Nancy: and you let him in on this one????
JPennant:: "If I can do what he cant, shit I can make money on my own, screw him."
Nancy: =-O
JPennant: eh, doesnt matter anyway. my plans are 'booby trapped' if you dont understand exactly the reasons why things are being done.
JPennant: Thats why I dont tell everyone everything.
Nancy: that's fine... that's how you should be...
JPennant: but Im disappointed in the guy tho.
Nancy: why?
Nancy: these are the times when you find out who your "friends" are....
JPennant: he's not a BAD guy.. but when push comes to shove, the 'white guy' mentality shows
Nancy: white guy mentality?
JPennant: the best way I can put it...
JPennant: if the train was crowded, and an old lady needed a seat.. in the real world.. in NY..who would be the last to get up and offer a seat?
Nancy: white guys in suits.
Nancy: got it - "all about me" kinda person
JPennant: there you go.
Nancy: yuck...
JPennant: they tend not to give respect unless its something they fear, want or are in awe of.
Nancy: or it makes them look good
JPennant: basically
Nancy: i know a few people like that - they make my skin crawl....
Nancy: but remember - what goes around comes around...

Yeah, sure does.

Heh. I thought it would be sheer poverty that would weed out and seperate the idjits ... now its getting clear that money itself is sterner stuff to deal with.
----------

Hm. The sicilian folk are really warming up.

I get a VERY hearty welcome when I go get coffee now.

Granted, some of the ladies faces would shatter if they cracked a smile - but "Good morning!" and "Have a nice day!" is pretty damned close to "Come over and meet my daughter!" for sicilians.

Or so Ive heard. :-)

I think they approve of my thrifty ways.

"Yes, he too gets-a thee day-old... he's smart.. thatsa thee best way." is what one said to another customer.

"Thee italian cookies.. DONT buy-a them fresh. They SOOO much better when they bout a week old."

"Dont-a worry.. I'll throw in another for free."

Goodness.

Even the mobsters give me a perfunctory nod when I go by now.

Wow.

How old is your daughter?
--------

I was grumpy and well on my way to 'Fuckit. Screw Everybody.' mode.

I was nailing that chip on my shoulder but good....

So, I took a timeout and got myself some green tea.

Odd. Havent had any in weeks.

Mebbe Im trying to ration the honey Fred sent me...

When I came back the princess was trying to get my attention.

By the time we got disconnected, I wasnt feeling as combative.

She was there when I needed it, listened and steered me to somewhat more positive ground.

Although Im not removing that chip off my shoulder (its useful for motivation), I needed a little reassurance today when there was few there to do that for me.

Thanx, G.
----

Im being a right Virgo about now.

No no no... not that stereotypical "clean everything" shytte.

(Most Virgo's I know arent particularly neat anyways, dunno where they got that crapp from.... prolly from those anal-retentive Pisces people).

Im restless. My mind is going a mile a minute and I cant focus because my emotions are all over the place.

Im bouncing off the walls.

I want to NAG somebody.

Nudge somebody. Get something done. Cause chaos for the fun of it....

I know, I know - I need to focus and deal with one thing at a time.

I want to get the equipment I need RIGHT NOW to start my venture.

I want The Artist in Brazil to ANSWER HIS MAIL so I can get this t-shirt and posters stuff started.

I want to talk to the database guy so that we can get the specs down so that he can get his coding started, but he IS at work, so he wont have time till later.

*$^%&#&T^.

&#%$%# hurry up and wait.

Shit.

Hm.

*look around* I guess I SHOULD clean up, the place is starting to look particularly messy....
------------------
*SNEEEZE*

Shit. The pollen is getting bad again.

Where did I put those meds?
----------

Sitting on my sister's porch fence out in Countryfied, NJ, I looked over in the corner.... and WHOA.. there was a blooming strawberry patch!

In fact, it had taken over the whole corner, with the distinctive yellow flowers and red buds.

Exactly what I was looking for... so I asked if I could get a cutting.

She was like, "Oh yeah, go ahead.. I was trying to kill them last year because they were taking over my grape vines. But theyve come back."

Kill those beautiful things????

Hey, she's a Virgo too. Along with the earth sign green thumb, she can be coldly logical as well.

She's not into eating strawberries and they do grow wild when theyve settled.

Heh. Soon EVERYBODY at the BBQ were getting me to dig up strawberry patches with strong roots. Except for LilBro, who is so much of a New Yorker, thinks its pointless to grow anything if you live in an apt.

Thats why he's so hyper. :-)

Eh, everybody else went home with strawberry and lily bulbs...

Hopefully, he'll understand why it feels good to garden....
-----------

"... and the whores are us."
- PJ O'Rourke
Parliament of Whores

PJ O'Rourke, the conservative political writer and satirist, came to this surprising conclusion in his hilarious tome on power.

This book, along with his "Holidays in Hell" as well as Mike Royko's "Boss", Cole's science fiction drama "Sten" and Machiavelli's "The Prince", should be on the bookshelf of any poli-sci student as well as anyone who needs to understand how power really works and affects us.

O'Rourke's point was that.. essentially, things are the way they are, because collectively we want them that way.

If we want things to change, we will make the changes, by any means necessary.

I'm grossly simplifying, but thats the essential point.

Im starting to get the point.

When I tell young folk that, before they know it.. they will be in charge, they pooh-pooh the idea.

Unless power is their ambition, they never realize or appreciate that they will become The Man.

Most people fight it. :-) Some people dont.

Some all their lives.

You can fight The Man all you want. The irony is, eventually, it will be your turn to be The Man.

When I see former flower children of the 60's and 70's struggle to hold on to their ideals, and yet eventually graduate to becoming capitalists, while denying that they sold out.

I believe most of them now.

You grow up.

You start to appreciate things.

You take your place. Do your thing. Make your choices. Assume your responsibilities. Whatever they are.

But at some point, you have to face what is.

".....and The Man, is us."

Actually, I think PJ O'Rourke is more accurate in his choice of words.. but I think I will fight a little bit longer before Im there.

Homeward bound.
Route 440 North from New Jersey, about to enter the Staten Island tolls...

"Ive got a disease
called
'Leave me the FUCK alone'
and
its already full blown"

- 'Mount Up' by M.O.P

There was a pause inside the SUV... and then everyone busted out laffin...

LilBro: Them Brooklyn folk are SO creative...
----------

When LilBro went to my grandfathers funeral a month ago, basically as the only representative from his oldest daughter's family, he came back having met family members we were only vaguely aware of.

Hence the BBQ today at BigSis's house where I met an aunt and her children and grandchildren for the first time.

I kept looking at my aunt.. seeing my mothers chin, height and build, my late Aunt Ellen's East Indian hair and asian single-fold eyes, and my late Aunt Cherry's bosom, light skin and thin lips and face.. and all of their voices and Runaway Bay accent.

I just kept staring. At the face of my family. All descended from a wandering half-indian man I never knew, never met, and occasionally saw riding his bicycle down the road.

No-one fully answered my question about how many children this man of 90 ended up having. They mentioned 4 girls and 5 boys.

I suspect there are more, as they did not mention names Ive heard.

But at his funeral they announced him having 35 grandchildren.

Holy....

And FIFTY-FIVE great-grandchildren.

Whoa.

There is a running joke in Runaway Bay, that you dont get enamored of the pretty boys or girls .. cause it might just be a relative.

Whoo.

He took it a bit far.

I stared into the face of a daughter of a man I never knew and who my mother always called Mr Gooden.....
-------------
BigSis loudly complained.. "I only have one niece and no nephews. When are you men going to do something about it?"

LilBro and I looked at each other and went.. "Uhmmm..."

Youd think we'd get credit for being responsible.

But we never told her why. Really.

Being the children of divorce and grandchildren of a grandfather we never knew... we do know why.

We want a *family*. Not just kids.

Not just kids to have a family.

She'll have to wait.

We might have to wait.

I might have to wait.
-------------
I have to go see my grandmother, who never seems to age, but wont not age forever.

She always asks for me, I hear.
-----------------
I left the house this morning feeling old and tired and in pain.

I came back tonight having laughed loud and freely all day.. feeling fine.

Damn, that's good medicine.
----------------

No, I dont sound Jamaican.

Neither does lilbro, having been here since he was 4.

By the way.. he's grown and 25.

Anyway, although I rarely flash any Jamaican patois, it sometimes catches my Born Jamerican sibling by surprise when I do, specially as he tries hard to feel like a native Jamaican.. which he is, but not really.

He was born there, but his formative years were all in New York.

His feeling like an outsider often shows when his older siblings do the Pennant thing (long thing about us outwardly quiet and reserved folk displaying a surprising -until you get to know us - gift for the gab)and start talking about shared childhood and teenage things that he wasnt a part of, using language thats not in his vocabulary.

So, when he emailed me to make arrangements about coming to pick me up in the morning for a BBQ at BigSis' place in Wherethefuck, NJ.. I used a word in patois, because I couldnt think of an apt english colloquial equivalent.

I said I was going to 'wedge' and have the front door open for him to be able to come up to my apartment, as my intercom and buzzer is still busted.

So, I wrote in colloquial patois "Im goin' to kotch the door for you."

I swear to god, he was SOOO chuffed when I used that term.. that he wrote back "yeah cotch the door for me. that sounds good".

He hasnt stopped using that word since, prompting BigSis to ask him, "what IS it with you and the word 'kotch'?"

I dont know, I just find that funny and endearing at the same time. :-)
-----------

OOOoooh. Thunderstorm!

Havent had many (cept mebbe that one night in April I got soaked going home) in the New York area all year.

Turned out the lights.. to enjoy the sudden reddish-darkness of a thunderstorm at sunset.

New Jersey sunsets, specially seen from New York... its like the sky is on fire, cloud edges burning fiery gold.
I have some pictures taken from a roof in Chelsea looking over the Hudson in my pennantspages diary from October or november 1999....

I remember my first thunderstorms in America.

Not like the ones in Jamaica, where they all occur high in the mountains. I heard 'em more than I saw them.

Noo.. these midwest rollers had flashes that would streak all across the skies, and you could see them for miles. They often produced industrial-strength thunder that literally shook the ground and rattled buildings.

This shit had BASS when storm fronts battle for hundreds of miles.

Talk about quaking in your boots when God went bowling. :-)

In the South, particularly in Florida when you could set your watch by the daily 4:30 thunderstorm, thunderstorms were up close and personal.

*Ka-boom-boom-booooom* was thunder high up or hitting a coupla miles away.

*KRA-KAH-BOOOOOOM* is what you heard when lightning hit the ground a few miles away.

*kra-kaka-KAPOW* is when that shit hit a few hundred yards away, invariably setting off car alarms all around. Sounds like Gods artillery.

And when you felt weird and tingly.. dont think..DROP. It is about to hit YOU.

It sounds like God has a personal beef wit you then...

Lightning is so endemic in Florida, pop up so quickly, and hit so many people, that the state and TV stations track actual lightning strikes minute by minute.

Here, by comparison.. it doesnt happen as often. There is no set pattern. You may get a sudden front and get a light show for a New York minute.. several fronts will pass through, setting off sudden storms or it'll pour for days. No pattern.

But fun when it happens.
------

A friend sent me some seeds in the mail to start my herb garden.

Im a little older, so I appreciate that more.

Now Im starting to understand why my father dreamt of growing stuff when he retired...

Should I sow them indoors or out?

All I know, is that a certain energy is felt when I deal with growing things.

Next, a bonsai tree.
---------
I decided to try cookin some vegetable risotto....

I like my rice richly flavored.

For instance, when you cook Jamaican rice and peas, to cook the red beans.. you almost have to stew the stock before the rice is added.

I used to get so impatient as kid when you the process started at 9am to have the rice ready by 2 or 3 or even 4 pm.

Oyah!

Now, as an adult, I see why its so important to take so much time on the base, the stock.

I boiled that stock of chicken broth, garlic, pepper, olive oil.. to which I added a can of vegetable, pasta and chicken broth soup.

I left it to boil for an hour, reducing the stock and intensifying the taste.

I then added the rice, putting foil beteen the pot and cover (paper bag paper works better for rice and peas, no really) and left the pot on VERY low heat for the rice to cook.

It was good. I didnt even miss making any meat dishes.

I didnt realize there was so much involved in making stock, the base for dishes.

Sublime.

Yep, the age of appreciation.
---------

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

- Yogi Berra

The pictures?

There is a point to all of this....

Heee.

*shit-eatin' grin*

Writing and thinking...

Things on my mind. Coming along.

A little art appreciation.... wowed by the linuxchix.org mascot, I went looking for other work by the artist.

Tom-B

Wow.













Man, I wish I had just the poster and clothing rights to his work.
---------

Flipping coin:

Blogspot is toast, or not?

(Written from the Bayonne Public Library)

I am broke. Flat-lined broke. But I am not destitute.. even though this is a nagging fear, as I have rent and bills to pay.

But, hey - I will always have bills and obligations.

Last night, going into the 33rd Street PATH station in manhattan, there was a woman, panhandling, who asked me if I could spare a quarter.

As I walked past her, instead acting like she didnt exist, I looked her in the eye, and said "Im sorry, I dont have it."

In fact, I dont. I didnt.

I had an unbroken 20 dollar bill in my pocket, that is going to have to stretch for as long as possible.

Her response was a weary, but civilized "Ok. Well, have a good night."

No. I wasnt traumatized by guilt. I wouldve been very justified to put her out of my mind as I would most panhandlers and be self-concerned by my own poverty. But she touched me by the civility, the acceptance.

Lumbering down the stairs, my feet barking from the uncomfortable dress shoes, I mumbled to her.. "Thank you. You too."

I went directly to the Hudson News newsstand to buy a 50 cent paper to break the twenty, spending a good deal of time deciding...

Not if I would go back up the stairs, but what to give her.

I got the change.. and counted out some bills.

I went back up, found her and gave her the bills.

When she saw I wasnt just giving her loose, ill-considered spare change, but greenbacks and a few extra shiners.. her eyes crinkled as she smiled at me.

No, it wasnt a lot.

Could I spare it? Yes and no.

I have no idea as to when I'll be good. I need every cent.
But the money I gave her, wouldve been spent anyway, with not as much thought as Id like to think.

No. It wouldnt have impacted me greatly.

And her eyes crinkling confirmed to me that her soul isnt dead, and I wasnt being hustled.

As I walked away, she said.. "THANK you. You be safe, ok?"

I smiled back and said.. "Ok. You too."

In retrospect, I now know what I wanted in return for doing it.

It wasnt pure altruism. I did it because I dont ever want to be on the streets panhandling. Even though Im only two steps away from it.

I didnt do it because it was the "right thing to do".

I didnt do it because I "understood what its like".

But I understood the genuiness of her thanks. The same feeling I get when my friends help me, because.

The people who I intend to pay back several times over.

They might think theyre just helping, and I used to consider it just a loan to be repaid with interest.

What I now appreciate is that it is indeed an INVESTMENT in me. I consider them, and legally, as investors in me and my dreams.

Yep. Investors. No less important than the wealthy folk Im trying to hit up for seed money.

And what I gave that woman was a small investment, a reward even, for endeavoring to keep her civility in intact while her soul is...... being tried.

What I now know I wanted, but didnt realize it because I was in such a hurry, was that I wanted to sit down and talk to her.

I wanted to see a little of her lifetime.

Not from pity, or feelings of charity. I am interested. Keenly interested.

If I had the money, I would buy her a coffee, some smokes and sit down away from the cold and talk.

Ironically, if I had the money right then - I doubt I wouldve done or feel the need this keenly.

If I had even a few hundred dollars in reserve, I wouldnt feel it as keenly to start this little venture Ive been turning over in my mind for years.

I would be waiting on the 'right time'.

To act on what I know, what I expect, and what a lot of people see as a venture which will enrich me materially far beyond my expectations.

Even though I absolutely expect it to.

Yes, I am flat broke, and it is NOT fun - but thank god that I am.

It is a million dollar experience.

Literally.

I truly believe everyone should have the oportunity to be there, at poverty's door, at least once in their adult lives.
------------

Simple Pleasures:

(Homer Simpson guttural voice of pleasure)

"Mmhmmmm.. Potato Bread."

Although this isnt like Staten Island, Potato Bread is readily available in every store in Bayonne.

Its not bad at all. At all. Soft, delicate yet flavorful, even slightly sweet. If I may say so, its actually better eatin' than yer typically gluten/wheat bread.

Goes well with everything.

I noticed I couldnt find it all in San Francisco.

Where I didnt notice most people eating sour-dough bread either.. :-)

- Morning Mail

To me, thats a sign of being in a good place. Your mail is there by 10am.

Regular fedex delivers before noon.

I dont know why, but I like my mail being there in the morning.

Oh yeah, and the mail is actually efficient here. I send something and by the next day or two, its THERE.

Great googly moogly.

(Although that means when I send a check, I'll have to make sure the funds are available..there is no 'kiting'.. there is no time. The check isnt in the mail.. the check is THERE. :-) )

This morn, I was in line to pay for my coffee and donuts (jelly filled cake kruellers - 2 for 1), biz plan in hand, deep in thought...

counter lady: "Oh, you were next.." (to man in front of me) "he was here first.."
Me: "Nah, its no problem.. g'head. Im in no rush."
Man: "Heh. Thats alright, Im in no hurry either."
Me: "Eh, its just nice to stand and think... I was in The City last night.. kinda recovering from the noise and the energy."
Man: "Oy. You dont have to tell me. I did my 13 years there."
Me: "Heheh. Sounds like you did your Time."
Man: "I wouldnt trade Bayonne for nuthin. I cant stand commuting, going back and forth into the city."

I havent heard anyone say "I HATE Bayonne" yet.

Ive heard other things, but not "I HATE this place".

I think along with the peace and quiet, its the simple things.

Maybe this wouldnt be a bad place to start a business....
---------

The sun is shining, there is a cool breeze, the *%$#&$% pollen is low.

Not a bad day so far.....

And my horroscope for today isnt looking too shabby either...

A chance of a lifetime is being presented. Make sacrifices to get opportunities. Remember, first impressions count. A Scorpio has helpful advice. Take it.

Believe it or not, you have what it takes to succeed. So why do you have so many doubts about yourself?
Someone in authority will encourage you to be more ambitious today.
He believes in you, so isn't it time you started believing in yourself?


If you need to ask a favor of someone in authority, do it now. Planetary activity at the midheaven angle of your chart makes it easy for you to approach important people, and if you flatter them, they'll give you what you want. Make the most of it. It won't always be this easy.

Hmm. Okie.

Excuse me, Im off to Manhattan to go talk about money with folk who make more than I do.
---------------

My horrorcope in the current TV Guide...

Before you back out of or go forward with an opportunity, ask yourself exactly what result you are....

Before I finished, I closed the TV Guide and put it back on the newsstand.. the newsstand owner giving me a friendly, but quizzically puzzled look as I stood there shaking my head.

I gave him the money for the morning papers (one Jersey, one New York) and left for the rest of my balanced, but simple breakfast of coffee and donuts, still shaking my head.

Ever had the shortness of breath, dizzyness, chest-pains kind of fear?

Yes?

Good.

Fear of Success is real, ladies and gentlemen.

I am scared out of my ever-lovin fuckin mind.

Earlier today, I was idly ruminating on many things, talking to myself in an empty room, so I decided to take a walk around the block.

When I came back a mere two hours later, I had a proposal to write, a business plan to craft and flesh out, a partner/business beard, a financial advisor, *signed* non-disclosure agreement forms, appointments set up for *very real* investors to get seed money for my dreams.

Yes, it can happen just that quickly.

It started with me idly talking about dreams with a man by his Mercedes and now Im hunched over my laptop with a headache.

Gah.

All I have to do now is write out a proposal for prospective investors, and draft a business plan.

And I have not a clue how to write a proper biz plan, proposal or how to pitch/ask/beg investors for money.

Other People's Money.

Oh shit.

What.. the... *fuck* did I just step into?

It was so much easier when I was merely talking about my dreams and pondering if I should go with my gut.

Gah.

My life was simple a couple of hours ago.

Fear of Success is the desire to make it simple again.
----------------

Blogschpot is still down.

I shouldnt bitch and moan about because its free, eh.

You know the ol' maxim tho..

Dont get mad, get even.

Or get away. :-)

Heh.

If I keep posting ether-like messages out into the ether, but no-one is able to read 'em.. do I exist?

*muse*

Deep thoughts.

It does *feel* like Im talking to myself. Interesting.

Better go for a walk.
---------

Aint no sunshine when she's
Gone...
Anytime she goes away..

The name and artist of this song escapes me...

George? Poo? Belle? Anybody?

This rainy, foggy weather puts me in the mood to sing those kinda melancholy songs. Not becuz Im feeling so melancholy.. just in the mood to sing 'em.

According to the radio, should clear up a bit today.

Ach. Blogspot icht der down.

Ah well, Im updating in the dark then.

Heh.. I was just telling Clint.. the difference between old, grizzled veterans like us and the young, grizzled newbies running these operations...

They continually fall for it when when someone tells 'em "99% percent uptime guaranteed." :-)

Heheh.

What was I pondering... hmmm.. oh yeah.. simplicity.

What with the machinery Im putting in here, Im afraid of having 'ginormous" (is that rilly a word, em?) amounts of machines, desks and monitors all around. I really do want that laptop life with a minimum amount of machinery visible and the wiring tucked away discreetly..

The server that clint sent me, I'd prefer to just wanna load Solaris and Slackware on it, and put it in a closet out of the way, never having to reboot it, it quietly sitting there routing and filing and serving, with nary a beep.

I may face the reality that I'll prolly have to build some ground-pounding Win2000 machine.. but do I really wanna?

I like the simple and the old school, thank you.

No, its more appreciation rilly.

I dont want to have to THINK about the machinery. I just want it to run.

And not be seen.

Where has that ideal, that aesthetic gone?

Call me a luddite. I just may be one.
----------

The weather system is hanging around, bringing us another day or two low-hanging fog and rain.
And its cool.. like Im living in the mountains.
Cool.

What we needed.

Plus, I aint gotta drive. :-)

Id had plans to do a lot more than I did yesterday, but I sat in and wrote, caught up on some back mail.... perfect day for it.

And I didnt wake up with allergies.

The rain is washing out the pollen.

Lub lub lub this rain. :-)
-------------

Marn, who I think of as the Quebecois version of my ribald Canuck-based pal Poo (Poo? Her IRC nickname at one time was WitchyPoo, thats why.. geez, pay attention) just turned 50.

Her writings entertain many much.

She had something to say about the counter turning to da Police (50. Five-Oh. Hawaii Five-Oh. Urban slang for da cops. Jeez, pay attention.)

Ten years ago, I doubt I wouldve even grasped the significance of what she's talking about.

Now I might have a clue.

Um, where was I? Oh yeah, The Birthday.

    Will, the trainer down at my gym, turned 27 on Friday. He's still in the "I'm invincible" part of his life, the part where you can't conceive that you're not going to live forever, that you're not going to be able to make your body do exactly what you want it to do whenever you want, that you have endless time to chase down all your dreams. That part.

    I was watching him and his friend working out yesterday morning at my gym as I worked my way through my own routine and I couldn't help but get a twinge about the sheer strength and raw optimism of him.

    It's no accident that this year I'm marking my birthday year with hours spent trying to push my body back to levels of strength I had when I was much younger.

    Marn, the princess of procrastination, is coming to grips with the novel idea that time is finite. I am trying to change the tense in my life, to go from "someday" to "now".

    It's odd, hitting this milestone birthday. The woman who looks back at me in the mirror is no Cher--all the years are etched there on my forehead, around my eyes, and in my hair which has been white for a few years now.

    Even you know what?

    Inside I'm mostly the same, which is kind of scary, when you think about it. Yep, I may look grown up, look as if I have a clue or two accumulated after all this living, but the sad truth is that I haven't. Except for finally stumbling on the idea that I won't live forever, I'm pretty much as I was in my late teens.

    Except now I'm a white-haired, somewhat wrinkly teenager.

    Ewwwwww.

Heheh. I get it.

Before we were disconnected abruptly, I had someone run things past me to see if I was missing something in all this.

She said I didnt seem motivated, as well as other things.

But she also said, not to let things and people distract me from my ideas and my work.

Hmm.

I am trying to change the tense in my life, to go from "someday" to "now".

Hmm.

Maybe its not just about the job.

... that you have endless time to chase down all your dreams. That part.

Hmm.

Maybe I should go wish the woman a belated birthday.....
----------

Warning.. this is a rant.. Im gonna be letting loose because I cant take this kinda silly shit anymore... no names are named.. if you feel a bullet coming that possibly has your name on it.. duck.. because it likely is not you and probably doesnt concern you... and this is what this rant is about....

The actor Rip Torn was recently quoted as saying: "When a woman graciously shares herself with me, I return the favor and keep it private."

I paraphrase. I understand.

Now, I dont talk to many people or online about my sex-life, partly because there's not much to tell, partly because Im embarrassed that there's not much to tell and partly because what there is of it.. I keep private.

As verbose as I am, I AM a private person. I dont talk about everything.

Yesterday, I got an ANGRY letter from a woman.. basically telling me I needed to get my ass in gear.
Hmm. I didnt like the tone, even though it was valid advice.

But, this was far angrier than warranted... I had seen it before..

Ahh, yes.. this letter was in response to a letter I had sent to two people, one of them a young woman prettier than she was and had been interested in at one time.

She did NOT like the young woman. And apparently still didnt.

If I had blind copied that letter.. she wouldnt have been in the 'mood' she said she was in.

Jesus. Not even platonic friendship is immune from psycho jealousy???

Now this is where people would start 'assuming'.. that I read too much into it.

Dont assume. I dont make snap judgements.

I may misread the level of intent, but no, Im quite good at recognising patterns.

This woman and I have had a slight history, and because of the paucity of privacy in New York it didnt become a history.

Plans were made, promises were made, bedding was bought :-)

But it bothered me that she showed intense jealousy to even women I knew only online. Think about that for a second.
To this DAY, she still remembers who these online people - most of them Ive forgotten.

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention she was, and is still with the father of her daughter?

Her jealousy, from someone who wasnt even MINE, was the reason I called the whole expedition off. She agreed that her jealousy was rather insane.

I used to hate being the nice guy, the big guy, the black guy. The guy young woman liked the attention from .. but be with? Sleep with? *shudder*
After being resentful of women liking pretty boys, rich boys, white boys, bad boys.. I grew resigned to it, and found there was a wonderful flip side to it all.

I was free from most of the drama! I could have as friends beautiful women, young women, old women, bright women, even gay women! I could be myself, I didnt have to play games, dress up etc etc.

And I could avoid the drama that comes with being involved.(Except when lending an ear as the agony aunt.)

And if I like you beyond that, I could simply tell you.

Even better, as I grew older, I found that I didnt have to be lonely if I didnt want to be. There are a lot of women who like big guys, black guys and yes.. even nice guys.

Cool. So I could be alone and not have to be lonely. Wow. Cool beans. :-)

Almost the best of all worlds.

But that jealousy...

Recently I was walking down the street with my not-yet-faded Puerto Rican beauty of a neighbor when I bumped into a local woman who, I'd had lunch and coffee with, I had thought, had come to the agreement that we were friends. What with her estranged hubby, estranged boyfriend and kids, y'know.

Hey, if yer over 30 - youve got a history.

"Why havent you called? You couldve stopped by... Oh, I didnt realize you were with..."

"Oh. Nah. My neighbor. This is *****, my neighbor. ***** meet *****. **** meet *****"

And then I noticed much shade was being thrown on both sides, distance being kept, wary pointed looks.. Oh jeez.

I concluded that interview, promised Id write and we said our good-byes.

Ive always assumed that if things are platonic, you live your lives and I can live mine.

There should be no need for drama. Or jealousy.

There shouldnt. It all about respect. And on my side, peace and quiet.

I understand the emotion. I dont get the intent.

Oops. Gotta cut this short.

I gotta go get ready to have lunch with someone.

Who?

A friend.

I am not going to discuss it.

Its none of your concern.
------------

Been raining steadily since midday.

Good.

In addition to liking rainy days, there has been less than an 1/8th of an inch of rain in the New York area all month .. not since march has it rained like this.

So. We need this rain to wash all this &%%%#&%(#^% *#^%^#*(#&%^ *cough* ..pollen.. outta the *#^%%#&( air.

It was getting ridiculous.

Plus, I like rainy days.
------

While in high-school, one of my part time jobs was that I did gardening for rich folks in Evanston and Wilmette.... very nice folk. Wish I had bothered to keep in touch.
I still regard those seasonal gardens I "built" as 'mine'. :-)

In fact, it was so lucrative, that even my father got into it and helped out for the extry change. :-)

I found out I have a green thumb, even though I never really cared about gardening afterward because I was on the move so much as an adult.

So, with my interests reawakening, I nearly died laughing with Marn's "rumble in the jungle" piece.
Brought back memories of stinky gardens, maintaining active earthworm colonies in steaming compost piles and drowning earwigs in traps of .. beer.

In fact, I used to use that same growth mixture she used.

I'll never forget the smell of it. You cannot go wrong with it and Miracle-Gro. :-)

Oh yeah, and specially for the folks wit penis envy.. check out her Port-A-Penis (aka PocketDick) piece.

I can imagine that'd be useful in gardens too... :-)
----------------
2:30pm

JPennant: aright.. the server came! :-D
Now I gotta scrounge up a monitor.
rich: cool...where'd you get it
JPennant: friend of mine had a dual pentium box lying around. sent it to me. gawd bless him. :-)
rich: cool
JPennant: trying to see if someone wants to send me a Sun box. :-D
rich: heh what's a Sun box?
JPennant: Sun Microsystems.. expensive hevvy-duty server grade machines.
rich: heh
JPennant: Most web servers run Suns
rich: uh huh
JPennant: which is specifically what Im trying to learn right now.
JPennant: lotta financial firms run them too.
rich: Any luck with the job hunt yet?
JPennant: no, im still waiting. time to shift to plan b.. go work at Blockbusters
JPennant: plan E rather :-)
rich: heh
JPennant: Everything below what Im training for has gotten muy scarce...
rich: uh huh
JPennant: in fact...
JPennant: this is from a recruiter
rich: ?
JPennant: Dear Candidate:
This is a very hard market at this
time. There are 500 candidates for every one position. I do have some opportunities but the market and demand is drying up.
JPennant: Keep in contact with me through time, I will eventually be
able to help you out if I cannot at this time. Please forward a non text format of your resume.
Keep your chin up!
rich: A non-text format?
JPennant: Yeah, in Word rather than just text, so he can print it out.
rich: Ah
rich: That sucks, man...glad I got this new job (now I'll just have to make sure I make it through my 3 month trial period!)
JPennant: True dat..it's bad out there. Its not just me. In fact, on dice.com... all the below Unix admin posts were being pulled from the database ON THE WEEKEND.
rich: yeah?
JPennant: Which means either the jobs were filled that quickly or that theyve been inundated with candidates
rich: ::nods::
JPennant: yeah.. right now is no time to be unemployed
rich: Nor is any time for that matter...
JPennant: even up to November.. it wasnt this bad
JPennant: but since January... whoo.
JPennant: My mothers place.. (global insurance firm)
JPennant: just let go a lot of their techs.. replacing them with cheaper people just outta school.
rich: That didn't make it better to be unemployed in November, just easier to get employed...
JPennant: quite true
rich: yeah, I guess that's the downside of being in a "hot" field, always someone younger/cheaper they can try and replace you with...
JPennant: yeah.. thats the upside of everybody believing the hype and getting their MCSE... not as many people saw unix as the place to be.
JPennant: but thats changing...
rich: ::nods::
JPennant: Heh. I wish I had the matrix learning machine :-)
rich: LOL
JPennant: "I know kung-fu.... and Unix!"
rich: I just watched that yesterday
rich: "Show me!"
rich: One thing about The Matrix, though...when they're getting set to go in, why not grab a tank while they're loading up with guns??? Let's see what those military folks do when they crash into the lobby with an M1 Abrams battle tank and shoot 'em up!
JPennant: portability :-)
JPennant: gotta be able to hide the fun under them sleek, stylish leather jackets :-)
rich: So, climb out of the tank with your coat full o guns after you break down the door and blow away everybody in the lobby...
JPennant: that ranks as one of the five best movie gunfights ever. :-)
rich: ...and why not some of those "gattling guns" under their coats, too? Even "agents" can't dodge those suckers!
JPennant: heheh
--------

I was just telling someone... right now it would take only about three weeks of work at tech wages to pay the bills, take care of my needs and pay all my debts.

That's it.

Of course, at the start of the year.. it wouldve taken a little under a week.

So, its not really that good.

And of course they reminded me.. "Yeah, you gotta just gotta get it."

Yepyep.

Heh. Maybe I can do some gardening.. :-)
-------

Sunday? Not much.

Nah, Im not depressed - although tisha thinks I really need to get out more and be around people.

Actually, I do get out and about in this little burg and talk to people.

Just costs money to go back and forth between here and New York... so its cheaper to hang out.

Depressed? Nah. Frustrated? Much.

Ive been cooking more, getting my stock cooking and meats preparation techniques down.

Jerked chicken and spiced rice was on the menu.

Not bad. Im learning.

Im having a greater appreciation for old techniques and what effort it takes to produce the sublime...

No HBO, no Sopranos.. so who got whacked?

Thank you New York Post:

Like Big Pussy last year, you knew Jackie Jr. was going to get it. Nice touch, though, having fat Vito Spatafore do the honors. It proves he can do something besides eat.

Heheheh. I love that newspaper.

Da last time, I was really this poor (about - yeah, almost EXACTLY 10 years ago), I had to make some painful adjustments in who I was to become who I am.

It paid off. But as a war veteran once put it about being through war "A million dollar experience I wouldnt pay a plumbed nickel to go through again."

Heh.

If I were a rich man.. azuba duba duba duba duba duba deeeee....

For the first time for a long time, I met folk for coffee and conversation.

Astor Place starbux natch.

People around us were listening to our wide-ranging convo, specially as we talked about one of the great works of the last century.. The Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy.

One guy even stopped by our table, waiting, until we stopped, looked up at him.. as he grinned and said "I just have to say, I agree.. those are the best books Ive ever read."

Then he grinned a grin of pure joy and walked away.

Of course, now that he (Doug Adams) is dead, I have to pay tribute and read them again.

"..and thanks for all the fish", indeed. :-)
--------
One of the most heated topics was...crossing 30.

Heheheh.

I might have been a tad condescending. My bad. :-)

But I knew how they were gonna react. I did the same thing back then.

Since I was talking to twenty-somethings.. I tried to impart that ..yes.. crossing the age of 30 is indeed a big deal.

You wont appreciate just how much until yer a few years past it.

Not anticlimactic at all, either.

When I was younger, I listened, and tried to get it. But I was a bit indignant.

These elder fuckers were talking down to me! YES, I could understand. And here's why...

Shit, they werent THAT much older than me!

They would chuckle and say.. "Just wait.. you'll see."

And.. sure enough.. I said the same thing this night.

We got into the Saturn Return, life cycles, the wisdom of cliches, the art of acceptance and appreciation of time and our place... all that.

Since these werent yer average dumb bunnies, they pressed me and disputed points.

Very cool. :-)

At least they wanted to know, even if they were a bit dismissive as to the importance of crossing the age of thirty.

Their point was.. it wasnt that quantum a leap. Theyve lived and kinda been there. Its just a number. Not a definitive age.

I gave that to them.. its different for different folk.

But it IS a different level. On all kinds of levels.

At least they listened. They'll understand later.

In anycase, I told them what I could.

Because I have my own concerns.

Ive still got hurdles.

Forty and fifty is upcoming far too soon.

This time, Im just hoping I'll get there.

Not just through it.
-----------
The Venti Mocha didnt really affect me..

Good. Either not drinking a shitload of coffee daily is helping or my tolerance threshold isnt as acute.. but its good news.

The other night in the supermarket, I stood pondering at a coffee maker on sale.

I want to, but I shouldnt.

I dont drink a whole lot of coffee anymore. And having a carafe available and around..this would get me back in the habit.

Plus, Id have to buy filters an coffee an chit.

Yes, I would save money.. but not having enough for a 10 oz New York cup occasionally.. no, thats not a bad thing.

I wrestled with all these sisyphian thoughts before I finally chucked the rock and left the coffee maker on the shelf.

But its still on my mind.
--------------

For a couple of reasons, I havent been on AIM much, if at all these last coupla days.

I think its the prudent thing to do.

People are in a ... mood.. lately. So have I.

Things are chapping our hides, as it were.

Normally, thats not a problem and it happens regardless - but this time the timbre is slightly different. Escalation is happening quickly.

Vociferously talking *at* each other, not to each other.

Its just not me. Im noticing it with a lot of folk in general lately, online and off.

And if people are reading personal things into this, this has nothing to do with folk pissed at me and whatnot.

Really.

No, this is a general thing.

I'm on a short fuse myself.. and I find myself talking and talking more.

Ive even noticed that in my own entries lately.

Since brevity is the soul of wisdom, its better for me to shut up until this bad energy passes.

But not here on the blog. Just on AIM.

This here is my release.
------

Uh-oh.

I send Rashid a letter, and he sends me back a compliment:

You hit the nail on the head, one blow and into the plank.

Did I ever tell you that the crisp, clean economy of your writing sometimes makes me envious? Don't make me have to tell you again.
:-)

Zis is why I am now in a bothered state.

(wait for it, wait for it....)

I AM A STARVING WRITER!!!!

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!

(Sam Kinnison and Charlie Brown moment.)

If I didnt appreciate it before, I do now.

All through my young adult life, I avoided even thinking of writing a a living.

Being a starving writer is not a kind fate. Suffering for your craft, with only a lottery chance of actually making a decent living from it.

I didnt wanna go there.

And now...

AUUUUUUGH.

Id like to fight it, because I cant. I write even when Im not writing.

And Im fucking poor.

Yes, I know this is the wellspring of creativity - where poverty gives you inspiration and material.. but.. noooooooooooooooo...

I didnt want to admit to it.

Aarg.

Ah well, time to go get me a job at Blockbusters.....
-----------
Writing exercise:

Often story material is all around you.. use that as a starting point...

Lessee:

I live in an apartment over stores.

One of the stores is a hair-dressing place owned by a minor sicilian mobster.

He is FROM Sicily.

He has a bouffant, drives a mercedes that still has snow tires.. and yes.. wears pinkie rings.

The other store is a club called the "Dawg House", painted black with giant eyes and a bone under a wide half-moon opening.

It is owned by an itinerant son of the local police chief.

My buildings neighbors are: a young egyptian couple with a newborn, a man who is a foreman at a bra factory, a man who is never seen, a not-so-faded Puerto Rican beauty with her children who brings me food unexpectedly every so often, and a young, anti-social geek who is the superintendent of the building.

The geek super has an on-going feud with the club, calling the cops every week.

The super also has as a life mission of harrassing spammers.

He doesnt have many close friends.

He is afraid the musicians who want to meet him in a dark alley.

The building is owned by a very well-connected lawyer.. who is jewish.

There are 3 banks, literally in front of my building, right across the street.

There is a pool hall on the same block.

There is also a nail parlor on the same block, housed on the former premises of a jeweler, the letters of the jewellers name still in a multi-marbled mosaic in front of the doors on the sidewalk.

There is a karaoke bar a block away.

The nearby catholic church rings its musical bells at 6am every morning, several times a day on sundays.

The puerto-rican beauty's boyfriend is a minor celebrity.. a musician. He tried to commit suicide on New Years day. He is a NJ Transit bus driver.

The nearby newstand/gift store is owned by expatriate Ugandan/guyanese Indian immigrants.

The lady working there has six fingers... a thumb split in two.. all her nails painted bright red.

The deli around the corner is owned by two egyptian brothers.

One owned a disco in california in his youth.

As far as I know, I am the only black man living on this block.

There are several motorcycle clubs in this town.

Every weekend, there has been an "incident" involving members or even between rival members of the club.

The man who had the apartment before me.. left leaving all his belongings.. including his birth certificate.

His girlfriend, who smashed the intercom so I cannot hear my buzzer.. has been missing for several months.

No one knows where he is either.

Both are presumed dead.

*ponder*

Damn. You cant make *this* shit up.
----------

(This entry is a day late.
Dont bother me.. I flipped a coin.. MechWarrior or write?...answer: Female Voice of Mech computer - "Planet: Baker 3. Ambient temperature: Neg-ative three four point five four degrees. All systems: Nominal. *Enemy powerup*...detected. *Enemy powerup*... detected.".. Im ready to go to war, furiously entering cheat codes and targeting incoming threats, my ridiculously over-armed four-stories high personal TimberWolf coming to life and already stepping out with extreme prejudice...Call Sign: 'Fool'...)
---------
Around the online world..

JettaGirl, as usual puts it well:

Now, with that in mind, I just feel like not talking to people for awhile until I can completely reaquaint myself with myself.

Frankly, I dont feel like arguing with folk, so Ive pretty much been chilling from everyone deliberately and 'not' (loong story..).

"The planets" (and yes, I do know the significance of when Uranus makes a square angle to another major planet) are in alignment where a comment will ignite a fued where it normally wouldnt.

Belle will back me up on this. :-)

People think Im arguing with everyone.. heh.. no. Just a few folk.

On the flip side of this.. this kinda tension-filled energy induces change, pushing and exposing things that would normally not be said or exposed.

Its not all bad.

But lets just say, particularly with folk who are inclined to be slightly high-strung already, the finer side of diplomacy, would best be left unsaid.

Cause we cant always plead 'planetary insanity'.
--------
Im madly in admiration for my personal unix queen.. zannah of /usr/bin/girl.

I may not read her site(s) daily, but I damned well learn something every time I do.

By following her own interests, she tends to be slightly ahead of the curve.

Got a secret.. if you want to see some of my future technology plans, watch her ... (she's why I started to blog and why Im learning Perl, php and mySQL)..

She tends to hand code, using unix utilities.. and wit some folk, it pays to spring into 'view source' just to read code....

And in her code lies the following..

[!-- * my name is not merv griffin * --]

[!-- * the world needs more pants * --]

[!-- and hi. blogger is so pissing me off right now. --]

Yeah, she my kinda goil...

Although Im also madly in like with the sublime writings of Belle, Cosmic Amanda, Aiyah chica, JettaGirl, CubicleGirl, Will Santos (esq), Young Son, Jamie, Em, George and the others who inhabit my links list...

They allow me to see another lifetime without without all the hassles of reincarnation.

They do feed my soul.
-----

Joey. Honey.

BRUCE Hornsby and the Range.

Yas don't mess wid my Bruce.

- Belle

DOH!!!!

This is why I need her as my editor.

This points to something Ive been noticing recently.
Things arent coming to the fore as quickly as they used to..

Names, apt words, facts, details..

Im usually almost savant-like in my ability to quickly retrieve this stuff from the maisma of my mind.

But, increasingly, specially after doing tech work, where you have to keep tech minutae to the fore so as to troubleshoot quickly - I am now finding myself without the facility to remember quickly the little things.

Like BRUCE Hornsby, not MIKE Hornsby. Gah.

This is why Im feening to do a substantial brain dump of werk-related shytte.

One of my little idiot trix is I do the daily newspaper jumbles and some of the crosswords in my head, just as exercise. I dont have to write it down.

Except last nite, instead of my allotted 30 seconds to solve the 4 or 5 jumbled words, I spent the entire 35 minute bus ride from midtown New York City to Bayonne staring at one 'word'.

For the life of me, I was in a brain fuzz.. I couldnt unscramble it.

Still cant.

'L-E-C-E-R'

I KNOW what it is. But I cant remember.

This worries me.
-------------
(...."Enemy Mech .. destroyed. Reinforcements... en-route...Sensors indicate...Incoming friendly dropships.... Dy-Do and Vic-tory. Return to Firebase for shutdown. All enemy mechs.. destroyed.
Mission: Successful.")

I knew before I finished eating, I had made a mistake.

I had promised myself that I wouldnt buy ANY prepared takeout food.. and Ive been good this last coupla months.

I wanted to save money, eat right and keep my steady weight loss going..

But when I saw the little chinese takeout right next to the laundromat last night, and smelled the aromas - I gave in.

I was hungry.

From when I paid the higher than listed price to halfway chewing the untasty meal, I knew I had given in too quickly.

Now, all I have to do is remember that over-priced, crunchy, burned, greasy chicken to keep on track.
--------------
I stepped out the door lugging my little cart to go late-night grocery shopping.. and stepped right into a scene of flashing lights, parked gas utility trucks, police and fire vehicles, the sreet cordoned off with yellow tape, and 50 fire-fighters standing around looking concerned.

Hello.

I got the attention of one of the firemen..

Me: Uhh..did I just step into a gas emergency?
FF: Well, there was a fire under a manhole cover. We're just waiting for PSG&E to check things out.

(New York, by law, runs most of the electrical and assorted wiring underground to keep them protected from storms and whatnot. Its the norm in the New York area..)

Me: =o. Oh yah, I remember seeing what I thought was steam coming from the manhole earlier this evening. Thought that was odd, since its too warm for steam.
FF: And you had the sense not to step on it, right?
Me: Yep.
FF: You're smart.. because... jesus..look at *this* #%@&*%#&..

(As we spoke, a young man had walked THROUGH all the tapes and emergency vehicles specifically blocking off the area, blithely stepping ON the manhole cover in question...)

FF: And *he* walks directly ON ... HEY! HEY!! GET AWAY FROM THERE!!... we're waiting around just in case there is an explosion and all the manhole covers blow off... jesus.. some people dont have any sense... YOU had the sense to avoid it.
Me: Uhh.. yah.

(I didnt mention that I normally dont step on manhole covers anyway, because having worked with them, I know theyre not always set properly. And then there have been the incidents where horses are occasionally electrocuted walking over the electrical conduit covers. It happens...)

Me: Awright, sounds like a good time for me to go shopping. :-)
FF: Good idear...

Although manhole covers flipping high up in the air would be a COOHOOOL thing to see.. :-)
------------
Being the night owl kinda person, I have always preferred to go grocery shopping late, late, late at night.

I think the habit started back in Chicago, when Jewel opened one of their first 24 hour supermarkets in the late 80's, and everyone quickly followed.

For me, it was a godsend - because, like going to the laundromat in a timely fashion.. it is just a PAIN to go grocery shopping during normal hours.

I think one of my unconscious criterion for a neighborhood, is a 24-hour supermarket near the house....

I dunno. I just like to take my TIME shopping without a buncha people around.
--
Ive always thought clipping coupons to be a massive waste of time, for the returns you get.

The coupons savings being usually too insignificant, and the products not what you'd normally buy, coupons expiring before you use 'em, as well as the coupons being for over-priced schtuff anyways...

I think Ive been lookin' at it the wrong way.

The other day, someone told me to follow her example and shop from the store circulars... so I took my time and did.

ZOUNDS!!!! A full shopping cart cost me almost HALF what I thought it would!

Okay... that got my attention... specially now.

I always thought I was a careful, if undisciplined shopper... but this saved me more than I ever thought it would.

The next time I shopped, I brought along some coupons from the Sunday paper, for basic stuff I would buy anyways.

ZOUNDS REDUX!!!! ANOTHER third off the same bill. Oh my god.

I had read in "The Millionaire Next Door" that many of the folk who had and quietly sustained significant wealth... had a habit of clipping coupons, even though they really didnt have to sweat the small stuff anymore.

You know... Im starting to GET it now....
---
Yeah. I look like a little old lady.

Pushing that cart around.

I got a little hand cart the other day because A) I dont relish lugging a duffel bag fulla laundry around and B) Walking five blox (the distance from the house) with a weeks worth of groceries isnt fun.

Even in New Jersey, specially this close to NYC.. most people dont drive.

And even then, I honestly think its ridiculous to fire up the sedan to go one block to the laundromat and five blox for groceries.

Thats the thing about New York and its environs.. almost everything you need is within WALKING distance.

So, I bit the bullet and got me a cart the other day.

Yeah, I feel like an idiot.

But it sure saves wear, tear and pain. In just a few days, this thing has become a TREASURED possession.

I dont know how I did without one before. Even if I were driving.. Id keep one in it.

Those little old ladies arent stupid....
---------
I miss my music.

Shopping in a quiet supermarket you can really hear the muzak.. which has come a LONG way in sophistication and selection, reminded me of it...

Ever since I started moving around years ago, it was a pain lugging my record collection around. And since the majority of it got stolen from storage, Ive never really made it a priority to have music.

But now, I miss my jazz albums. Hearing and singing along to old favorites like Ruby by Donald Fagen of Steely Dan, from his solo Nightfly album, "The Way It Is" by Mike(?) Hornsby, a Tuck & Patti selection, some George Howard solos... I used to have all that.

Now, I dont even have a stereo, because it wouldve been too much trouble to lug around.

I need my music back.

Yeah, thats another thing I need to do....
---------
I got home, I was feeling a bit peckish - so I heated up some garlic pita bread.. quickly seared some eggs with grated parmesan, pepper, garlic and two slices of American cheese (not cheese food).

Mmm. Man. With some soy milk, that was excellent.

Looks like I am definitely weaning myself away from takeout.

While scanning Dice.com for work..

Dear Candidate:

If you are not a greencard holder or US Citizen I
cannot help you. This is a very hard market at this
time. There are 500 candidates for every one
position. I do have some opportunities but the market
and demand is drying up.
I would like the opportunity
to be an added resource to your search for a new
position. I have no guarantees, only a hard work
ethic and a love for people as a whole. We have some
great opportunities but not everyone has the skills.
I would like to take a look at your resume so please
email it to me so I can see if I can help you out in
anyway I can. I mostly work with full time but I do
have consulting opportunities from time to time. Keep
in contact with me through time, I will eventually be
able to help you out if I cannot at this time. Please
forward a non text format of your resume.

Keep your chin up!

I showed it to Nancy, who deals with recruiters daily... who just went.. "Wow".

Yeah.

Rare to see something so honest. From a recruiter.

From my experiences this year, I knew it was bad, but.....
-------------

The running theme through the movie Risky Business...

"Sometimes in life, you have to say 'What the Fuck'..."

- Risky Business

The older I get, every time I see that flick, the more layers I see. I see more and more and understand what Marshall Brinkman, the writer and director, was trying to say about growing up.

The older you get, the more WTF moments you have and the more significant they become.

And the more you GET it.

I'll explain what this has to do with anything in a bit.
------------
When I said it, she shot me a look.

Id never really seen that look before, and wasnt quite sure how to react.

It was a look of anger?sadness?indignation? No, but yes, but no. I didnt know what to call it.

What I said was "I dunno if I wanna go to The Bronx up where you are."

I didnt mean anything by it.

I had been in New York only a couple of months, and she had told me I could drop by her place anytime, I think this was for a do she was having.

And I said what I said.

And she shot me that look.

Now I know.

My friend.. probably ex-friend now.. said she didnt understand why I was picking on her.. making her an example.

I kept saying it wasnt about her. She hadnt done anything wrong. No one had.

It was about something greater.

Although, to be honest, it was indeed something she said jokingly and in passing that, in addition to things people had said during that time period, catalyzed into a "What the fuck" moment a day later.

I didnt even understand WHY I was writing that rant.. but it was powerful.

She said she wasnt really angry, but she was ... disappointed at me.

YES!!

THAT'S the word that described that feeling I was having. A combination of hurt/indignation/sadness/anger. Disappointment.

That describes exactly the look I got four years ago.

I tried telling her that it really wasnt about her, and SHE didnt do anything wrong, really. NO, REALLY... but after awhile I got tired of it and stopped.

I didnt, and I dont wanna argue about it, because the feeling comes from something that made me tired.

I got tired of arguing because what I feel isnt so much indignation or anger.. and its not really about race.. but .. .
But it IS about how people treat people.

Its about the many pinpricks of disappointment when someone wont come to where you LIVE because.

Because they dont wanna go in a 'bad' neighborhood.

Because they dont have the time.

Because its too far.

Because they dont want to be mugged.

Because they dont feel like it.

Because. Because. Because.

Like everyone, Im guilty of it too.

I have ridden through the Bronx, once dropped someone off there, taken my niece to the Bronx Zoo once..

But have I really been there in 4 years? No.

Even though Ive been invited many, many, many times.

And why havent I gone?

Because. Because. Because.

I have used any and all of the above reasons.

Its not about race. Or, not just about race.

Here is the real 'because': The Bronx has a horrendous rep. EVERYONE in New York and beyond knows that. No one wants to live there.

Fuckin' Fort Apache: The Bronx.

I aint goin there. Nor seriously consider living there.

Wrong. Millions of people live there. Usually because they want to.

And thats why I got the look.

I pissed on where folk actually live, like its a lower place to be.

And for the folk, that reflected on them.

When I didnt want to go to Staten Island to visit Carol.. I got the look. When I declined to go to her halloween party, because I didnt wanna be stuck out in SI, she took it very personally.
She is STILL pissed about that.

When I didnt want to haul out to Washington Heights to visit LadyK and Rashid. I got the look.

In and of itself, saying "because, because, because" is not a crime. Nor is it morally wrong.

No one is doing ANYTHING wrong. (And people seem to miss those words even when I say it a million times. Yes, I mean you.)
There is nothing WRONG with saying "because, because, because".

In fact, the reasons are invariably valid.

The reasons are always valid not to go 'certain' parts of NY, Chicago, LA, Oakland, Miami... anyplace. Even when the people who live there assure you its a lot safer than you think. Because they live there.

Because, because, because.

No one can dispute them.

But say it enough times. Hear it enough times. And you get these little pinpricks of disappointment every time.

Eventually, after feeling that little "twinge" every time, but shoving it away because, maybe after a coupla years like I did, you get a "WTF" moment.

It aint just me.

A lot of folk are 'disappointed', having HAD their "WTF" moment.

So, when someone who lives in a 'ghetto' part of town, or out of the way, and you give them "because, because, because" when you say why you cant/wont go there.

And they shoot you the look.

"Because" theyve heard it a million times.

"Because" *they* know what real "because" is.

And they take it personally, even though -logically - they know there is no reason to.

Hopefully you'll understand.

Because, because, because.
----------