Ugh. The Jerked Chicken effect has worn off, and Im having trouble breathing again.

Guh.

Hey! Product idea!

Jerked Sauce nasal spray!!! SinusEverclear(tm)!

No?

You're right. A lot of people would be suffering from pepper burns ....
------------
Internet Cafe: Times Square

The muzak playing is now ALL Mariah Carey. WTF?

Incongruous moment: Track with Ol' Dirty Bastard comes on.. and suddenly 20 guys spontaneously become The Internet Cafe Hip-Hop Chorus, singing in perfect time and tune with ODB.

The Whole Track. A chorus of Urban Young Men singing along with Ol' Dirty Bastard.

They know all the words to ODB's guttural growl.

Incongruous moment II: As his part fades out, it becomes clear that 3 guys are also singing Mariah Carey's part. In pitch-perfect falsetto.

Three Young Urban Men singing along with Maria Carey's falsetto, in perfect tune.

I kid you not.

I dont know the words meself.
----------------------
Coffee and a buttered bagel from a breakfast cart in Midtown. A buck.

A GOOD bagel, mind you.

Cant beat that.

New York.

Made an executive decision this evening..

I got a Jerked Chicken dinner from a local joint on Nostrand Avenue in Brooklyn. Whoo, it was something.

Cleared my sinuses sumthin fierce, washed down with some... astringent.. ginger beer. (Made by D&G, the Red Stripe Beer brewers).

More money than I want to spend around now, (and more food than Ive eaten inna while) but Im not gonna have access to Caribbean goodness for awhile, so hey.

MAN. I forgot how spicy this schtuff is. Spiced, slow-grilled chicken, long cooked rice and red beans, pepper-marinated vegetables.. oooh.

JPennant: Man, Im gonna miss the patties and rice peas being out there...
george: Well, you'll find some other stuff to get up on, grubwise.
JPennant: wha's good?
JPennant: guess I'll grubbin on mostly asian fare?
george: I reckon. Curries and such.
george: Went to Berkeley Bowl today.
george: They do sell Red Stripe.
JPennant: heh, naturally :-)

JPennant: I do have a prejudice for where I eat out tho
JPennant: how to put it...
JPennant: It has to be a 'regular folk' kinda joint. nunna that 'doin it for the esoteric experience' crap.
george: I don't know of any joints on that tip, West Indian/Caribbean sadly.
JPennant: Oh, I meant in general.. not specifically Carib
JPennant: I can do without Carib until I get back. :-)
george: So, like a diner?
JPennant: yeah. unpretentious, neighborhood joints.
JPennant: Like, if you asked me for a great place for Jerked Chicken
JPennant: I wouldnt send you to some frou frou place in Manhattan
george: I get that.
JPennant: Id send you to specific neighborhoods in Brooklyn or Queens.
george: yeah, I understand what you mean.
JPennant: yep. same difference
-----------
The Daily News had an advertising section, to get people shopping and eating in the downtown area again..

What drew my attention was a full page ad featuring Jackie Chan, for ChinatownNYC.

I have NEVER seen chinatown advertised as a cohesive place before. Its been pretty vibrant and self-sustaining before...

Never needed it, really.

Hmm.

Nothing' really...
-------------
Decided to expedite the process a bit and prep ye olde laptop for road duty.

@%^#$$%$ microsoft. Reminded me why I turned away from IT.

All I really wanted to do was make Eudora roadworthy. And that was two days ago.

(Adventures with IE, PPTP, memory conflicts, oh my..)

Came to the belated realization that even trusty Eudora has its limits.. (my inbox file is 3 years old and 7 megs in size..)

*sigh*

Common sense sez I shoulda tossed Ye Olde Laptop (A Toshiba 4900CT.. Pentium 75/800 meg drive/16 megs of RAM, circa 1994.. you get the idea) but GODDAM it still runs good.

Eh, it was free.

I just flipped it off. It can wait.
----------
WTMI Dept..

LilBro was looking at me funny the other night..

LilBro: Dont take this the wrong way brotha....
Me: what?
LilBro: You look so.. I can see your NECK again.. Man, you look .. you look so DIFFERENT now.

Yep. Weight loss continues.

Of course, there is bad news to this.

You know stretch marks? They appear when you gain?

Well, when you lose... the stretch marks un-stretch and become these.. guh.. wrinkles.

Not a pretty sight, as I discovered this morning...
------------
One of the things you dont discover about NY until you get here.

Dust.

This is an old city, with old buildings... and it generates a lot of dust.

The detrius of humans, machinery, animals, vermin, nature. And it accumulates.

Go outside, and you breathe in a lot of dust. Go inside.. and you breathe in even more.

Living outside the city made me forget this I think..

People were looking at me funny as I wore a towel over my face in the house.

Dust.

Guh.
--------------
I had the sense of waiting for other things to happen.

Well, even when the offer came out of the blue, I was far from surprised.

Changes my plans only slightly. (I'll tell ya later, fred... IF it works out.)
------------
Heh. Had my ego stroked this afternoon during my daily walk.

After much loud honking, they finally got my attention.

What? You hear horns all the time in the city.

F**: Boy, didnt you hear us HONKING at you???
(She turns to her friend in the drivers seat..)
"C****, this is Joe. Joe, C*****. He's single too. He is a SWEETHEART."
Me: "You gonna move with me out west, C*****?"
C*****: "Oh no. You mean Im not gonna see your pretty face around here?"

Oooohhh. I'll take the ego strokes where I can get 'em. :-)

Grey beard an' all.

What am I waiting for?

I glance at my horrorscope today, and:

If you try too hard to solve some kind of problem today, you'll miss the obvious answer, so relax your body and clear your mind of irrelevant thoughts, and before the sun has set, you'll have reached the right conclusion.
If you're hoping to travel some time soon, now's the time to make plans - but leave yourself some wriggle room

::nod::
---------------

Funny how its the little things you miss..

With Ma ill and not here... Its sunday morning, and there is no one here serving up Ackee&Saltfish and Tea..

Funny, I never even liked the dish growing up.

I could go out to any of the local caribbean places and get some.. but its not quite the same.

I wonder if I'll be able to find patties and ackee on the West Coast.

Doubt it.

A misnomer about New Yorkers, is that theyre plain unfriendly.
There's truth to that, but - nah, not really.

You just cant be friendly to 10 million people at a time, thas all.

*Fez voice* "Theyre just people!"

Heh. Anyway. Im standing in line at the neighborhood PO this afternoon, and I join in the griping about the long lines and slow service with the guy ahead of me.

You never know who youre talking to in NY. This one turned out to be the president of National Assocation of Physician's Assistants (I have the card), and the conversation turned into a business contact.

Go figure.

So why leave NY if all that I need is here?

Actually, I think today proved to me, that I definitely need to leave.

So that when I DO come back, I will have things in place to be able to REALLY take advantage of what NY has to offer.

Some people get it, some dont, that you often need to go elsewhere to live somewhere.

Being the anti-social bahstid that I am, I dont usually do lists.. but this one I like.
(From Friday Five via Em, who always has these really good *layered* answers.. :-)

1. What was your first job?

At 12, being a stock clerk in my godfather's shoe store in the Parade Square in downtown Kingston, Jamaica.

I miss that man. Mr. Abe Zaide.

Only when I became an adult, did his Syrian Jewish heritage mean anything.

2. How old were you when you had your first kiss?

Nine. With Althea Wilson, the younger of the Wilson twins, who was developing her man-eater persona back then.

Why do I remember it?

Because that kiss produced my first ever SERIOUS hard-on. Surprised and embarrased me, and Althea didnt know what to do with it. Heh. Neither did I. :-)

Not long after, the twins emigrated to Canada.

3. What was your first car? What happened to it?

MY first car was a hand-me down from Pops. A 79 Audi Fox.

Now that I think back, it was slow and unreliable, but sweet to drive.

That started me on my german car jag, owning several Opels, Volkswagens and a Beemer. ...

It got towed after Pop's estranged second wife poured sugar into the gas tank, not realizing it wasnt Pop's car anymore....

She apologized without admitting guilt. Idiot.

4. What was your first concert?

I honestly dont remember. Oh wait.. I do. It was a mega-concert at some arena in Kingston with a bunch of reggae all-stars (except for Bob Marley). Burning Spear headlined.

I was a snob. I didnt care for reggae growin' up.. so I hardly remember anything about it.

5. How do you plan to spend your weekend?

Since 94, with flexible shifts (two days on, two days off), the consultant, unemployed (voluntary and involuntary) and itinerant lifestyle.. traditional time blurs for me.

So the weekend doesnt have much significance for me - unless it involves other folks itinerary.

Sooo, nothing I wouldnt be doing *during* the week....

Horrorscope from the latest Village Voice. (Indulge me)

Let's count your blessings.

While it's true that you were recently obligated to launch an expedition to Hell, the only truly painful part of your trip has been the salt that got rubbed in your wounds.

And that isn't so bad considering that the salt has acted as a cleanser and purifier.

Anyway, I'm ready to welcome you back to the bright, cheery surface.

Or is it so interesting down there that you want to hang out a while longer?

Heheh. No. Im ready to move on now, thank you. :-)

Bugger.

I had a great entry drafted in my mind as I walked up from 14th street to 42nd tonight .. and now its just bits and pieces and flotsam...

Shit.

Something about not being able to walk this distance without fear, apprehension and loathing. Not so long ago, I woulda reflexively caught a cab or train.

So.. I walked. Briskly.

I did this partly because I wont waste the money on a cab. I dont even remember why I considered them so essential. (Laziness, primarily) Heh, partially because I wont/cant afford to spend the money now.

I want the exercise too.
Kinda proud of myself walking that distance and not breathing hard or sweating. Of being able to do it.

What else?
Ahh, not buying something to eat.

I want to continue to lose weight. Not to eat to be full.

Its not a diet. Its a test of discipline.

Its a hard to do here, walking by everything from Burger King to Bagel Places to the zillions of tempting restaurants all over.

Egg Bagel and Lox.. *drool*

And ever since Dave Thomas died, Ive been cravin' Wendy's sumthin FIERCE.

I dont care if all I get is from the 99c menu.

Must. Resist.

But no, this was to be a piece on .. congruence.. synchronicity.. instinct...

Oh yeah...

For some reason, I went from Times Square to Union Square... for Starbux, I thought.
But why?
I passed 8 of them on the way down Broadway. Why, if all I wanted was some Starbux? I dunno. But I did.

I picked up a cup of Venti Mocha (thanks GG), then went to the Barnes&Nobles. Why? Dunno. But I did. I had to.

I searched for books, found some... and then searched for a table to sit.

Somehow, I found what I was looking for. Not a what, but a 'who'.

The poor man thought I was .. strange. But, he was who/what I was looking for. I asked the question, even though I somehow already knew the answer.
"Are you a designer?", I asked.
"Yes.", he answered.
I was clued in by the graphic design magazine in front of him. But still.. I went directly up several floors without hesitation.
So, he is a graphic designer editor, who does print production, with the life experience and choices Im looking to accomplish. And I asked him things. I asked for advice from someone who had the experience I was looking for.

We talked for several hours.

I got the clues I was looking for. Exactly what I needed to know at this point in time.

Connecting the dots.

Like I said, Fred - I dont know what Im looking for, but I know it, even if I dont know what 'it' is.

I dont consider trusting my instincts strange anymore.

And then I walked, briskly, back up to 42nd Street.
--------------
Him: "How long are you going to live out there?"
Me: "I .. dont know, frankly. A few months, maybe longer. Its open-ended. But I do intend to come back."
Him: "Ahhh... you know, I know a lot of people who've come back from being out there. They got tired of having to.. deal with being there, and came back to New York.."
Me: "Exactly, Im going out there.. Im not sure for what yet...but, I have to. Then I'll be back."

He understood, even if we both didnt know exactly why.

The Venti Mocha... err, overpriced mud.. was excellent, by the way Sun.
-----
Hmm. What was the typical New York moment today?

Did the cabbie yelling VERY LOUDLY at the guy who stepped out of his cab in front of the Starbux at 17th and Broadway count?

Hmm. Odd.. shouting matches, in my experience arent a normal and usual occurence in New York.

Maybe people talking to themselves, or shouting to the world at general, as New Yorkers tend to be quite opinionated.

But heated, full-on shouting matches? I find them to be rare actually.

Most people are just trying to get around with a minimum of fuss and bother.

So, maybe that wasnt a New York moment. Not in this kinder and gentler New York <.end sarcasm>.

Oh wait. I have two....

A) Construction worker, tonight, agitated, walking back to the huge subway construction project at 42nd street... talking loudly.. yells friendly ethnic slurs at his colleagues...

Guy walking by.. hears this.. and shouts down the hole "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!"
(As I said, New Yorkers are opinionated..)

The first guy answers back... "NO, *YOU* SHUT THE FUCK UP!!"

This pleasant exchange continued until both were out of earshot.

New Yorkers consider this friendly banter.

B) While waiting in line for the Ricki Lake show.. a construction worker riding by on his bicycle, leeringly shouts at several young women... "HEY SWEETHEARTS, I"LL SEE YOU ALL ON TV."

Everyone looks around, see's him, realizes its his job as a construction worker to say this and laffs.

One guy comments.. "Heheh.. he's got his Hard-hat turned backward too."

That made us all laugh again.

You might have had to be there. :-)
---------

Chelsea Studios
26th and 7th Ave
The Ricki Lake Show
Studio B
Show #9107
Ticket number 98

If you didnt know where the studios were, you would absolutely miss it, even with the big Ricki Lake banner above the doors.
Although all the television trucks outside mightve provided a clue.

- Joined brotha Omar in line. Told his bosses in Queen that his car had broken down, and he was waiting for a tow.
Was aiming to get into work by 3pm.
He didnt make it.
His comment "Man, if this show is whacked, Im just gonna bounce."
Tourist couple behind us.. "What is 'whacked'?
We translated.
They seemed to get the concept of 'bouncing'.

- They checked ID's while in line. When the guy asked me, I busted out laffing, pointing to my grey beard.
He wasnt impressed. I hadda show ID. Damn.

- They gave us snacks. I took a KitKat and TWO pax of Chocolate chip cookies, even tho the sign said 'one'. Eh.

- Metal detector. I was clean.

- Omar on phone while sat in waiting area "Yo Man, you gotta come DOWN here sometime.... OOOOOHHH" (.. he exclaimed as I pointed out some of the sights) "MAAAAN, Its a HO-FEST down here!!!!".

No more than on your usual NY street corner...

They told us the rules...

- Dont read along as Ricki reads the teleprompter
- Dont mack on the show guests clothes.
- Check your hair, makeup or weave. Make sure you look good, as the show will be in re-runs worldwide for YEARS. Damn my homeless man beard.

- Omar still on the phone: "I aint gonna lie brutha, there's some GHETTO chicks down here...real P-J's.."

- The studio is smaller than we expected, the rows only go up 5 levels.

Oh the show.. eh.

"Teen Sex Confessions" or sumthing like that.

It was whacked. Omar didnt bounce. He had a good time.

Some people REALLY come alive when they know theyre 'on stage'.

I was on camera a LOT, as Ricki kept bouncing into our section. Right behind, slightly to her right, hand over my face.

- Omar put his hand up, Ricki put the mike to his face... and mildly admonished the wayward uncle.

- The 'Relationship Doctor' sat beside me. Wearing leather, leather, leather. Red included. I had my hand over my face.
Ricki gushed at her.

- We wondered why Ricki wasnt doing the show with New York teens, who tend to have far more active sex lives than these teens from South Texas.

- The father (step-father), being a southern, church-going man - had his jaw on the floor as a clip rolled of the young teens's BLACK thugged out boyfriends.
He was a bit shell-shocked. The producers (all seemingly older and jewish) nodded in approval.
The mother was prompted to oh.. yell a bit at the girl.
The teens seemed more clued in than the elders.

I noted I was older than the mother, who became pregged at 15 herself.

Fast forward...

- The show ended, they had us do a few extended "audience shots", Ricki came out with her child, we ooohed and ahhed. She asked us to come again. They asked if we wanted to stay for the second show.

I hate clapping. I bounced. Omar too.

He got a t-shirt for dancing on stage (forgot that part), I got a key ring as I left.
---------
There were staff from "Change of Heart", in the same studio complex, looking for audience members.

I declined. Omar signed up for a show next week.

He wanted to be one of the guests.
-------
(From a flyer given to me as I left)

SINCE YOU WERE SUCH A GREAT AUDIENCE MEMBER...

YOU'RE INVITED BACK TO A SPECIAL ADDED SHOW!

If you cant make it, please pass this flyer along to a friend

(Doing it now)

Also, as a thank you to the audience members, we are now giving away some great prices (sic) such as Sony Walkman, Discman & VCR etc. You could be the lucker winner of these great prizes.

You do it, Em. I dont have the heart to say anything about the grammatical abilities of some of the staff. No concept of proofing either.
It continues..

RICKI'S AUDIENCES ARE THE GREATEST!!!!!!WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16TH
3:30pm ARRIVAL
(DRESS YOUR BEST)

FOR FREE TICKETS
CALL
212-352-8600
To reserve your seat a.s.a.p
Studio Address
221 W. 26th St
(Between 7th and 8th Ave.)

ONLY A FEW SEATS AVAILABLE FOR OUR SPECIAL FRIENDS LIKE YOU!

You have been warned. :-)
-----------

Judy T goes all "Itinerant in Vietnam".
And while she was there, wrote.....

People in Vietnam have a ritual of eating every single freeking meal of the day - dinner-sized. So on the days I wake up at say 10:30 am (late), I may have to eat my breakfast right away, and at 11:30, have a dinner-sized lunch. Talk about being stuffed. After lunch, they like to feed dessert. Dessert after lunch. Crazy. For the next few hours, we'll have episodes of snacks and such and at 6:00 pm, dinner - even more dinner-sized. I'm surprised I actually lost weight while I'm here.

So my question is... how can one be eating dinner-sized meals constantly.. AND LOSE WEIGHT???

What was she eating??

The country wants to know.

No, NEEDS to know.
----
Today, fellow virgo Dori wrote:

today i have a job interview at the one magazine i'd whore myself out for...

see, i pretty much hate everything as far as employment is allowed... i hate my marginal employment right now because it's so cold, i hate the idea of working in a beaurocratic office system, i hate the idea of doing something that plain don't mean a goddamn thing... still, there are things i just can't do anymore... if at least one remote part of my heart isn't behind it, i can't work there...

there comes a time in someone's life where wasting too much of your time on something pointless is too much to do... if i ever look back on my life, something more than 'lived in new york and worked a pointless job' has got to come out of it.

Hear, hear.
-----------------

Today's horrorscope:

Everyone else will be marching out of step today. You, of course, will be marching in perfect time. That's just another way of saying that you'll be on your own again; that your thoughts, especially, will be focused in a completely different direction from those of people around you.
And what's wrong with that? Absolutely nothing. The world needs mavericks like you.

Apparently.. :-)
--------
I noticed the ticket half-hidden, tucked away.

Gah. I had forgotten about it, so - figuring it was invalid, I took a look at the date.

It was for today.

I had an hour to be there, and I made it, half an hour late - with the studio already full.

Crap.

Lets see what a little begging and pleading will do...

Me: "I ordered the tickets almost a year ago!!!!"
Show staffer: "You're gonna havta wait a year and a day then.."

Grabbing the ticket from my hand, she pencilled me in for tomorrows taping of the Ricki Lake show.

Should be good.
-------
I fling out several zillion resumes last year, and I hear zilch.

Bupkis.

Now, Im getting calls, as Im preparing to blow this popsicle stand shortly.

NOW they wanna talk. NOW?????

Its a test. Im tellin' ya, this is a test.

Every time Im preparing to leave a place - *in the actual process of packing even* - this kinda nonsense happens..

Chicago, it was a job offer. Jacksonville, it was a girl. North Carolina, they wanted me to stay on with the firm. Badly.

And now?

Although in the previous cases, all it did was delay the motion.

The Chicago job wouldve kept me as a glorified clerk, the girl in Jax.. who initially looked like a smart, sweet thang - revealed herself as truly psycho (a term I dont use lightly), and the company in North Carolina went out of biz not long afterward as they couldnt handle the projects....

So, eh.

Sitting in a Starbux this afternoon..

Guy walks in, see's another, starts insisting that they know each other.

Other dude looks at him puzzled at every prompt, desperately trying to place the face, until he's forced to query ..

"I dont owe you money, do I?"

Heheh. New York.
-------
I havent had my Starbux Venti Mocha in months.

I took my time this evening, sitting back in a wingback chair, sipping insteada gulping, reading the Post and New York Times from cover to cover.

I dont know what they put in their schtuff, but I felt good.

And in not having a taste for so long... it felt.. nourishing.

Yeah, thats the right word.

I felt nourished.

Not full. Or sated. Nourished.

And that felt... better.

Later on, LilBro asked if I wanted something to eat, if I were hungry.

Sure, I couldve grabbed a snack, but I declined. I didnt really need anything else.

Thanx.

Nourished. Instead of sated, full or satisfied of food/sex/love.

Nourished.

What a concept.
---------
For prolly the first time in about 10 years, Im growing a beard.

From the looks of it so far, its almost all grey. Even my mustache only has flecks of grey.

Although my family has premature-grey tendencies, mine is far advanced beyond most of my cousins.

From watching presidents visibly age from month to month, I think mine is advanced due to stress.

That seems to accelerate the gray.

So, Im kinda hating it.. the scraggle looking like a homeless affectation, even trimmed and edged.

But it takes about a month for a beard to fill in... so, I'll let it grow in, see if it acquires a little color.

But, at this stage, Im inclined not to wait. I might just sweep it off before then.

Grey beard. Damn.
----------------

Cold, cold cold this morn. Ice and brutal wind chill.

Walking out of ma's place this morn, Lilbro met me on the stairs..

LilBro: &#%$. ItS %^$#% COLD OUT THERE.
Me: Welcome to Chicago.
LilBro: Heheh. Thats real.

Ive been using that line all day.

gabz: wassup, shug?
JPennant: yo yo fishy. wass goin on?
gabz: nada
JPennant: hows the weather in SF? :-)
gabz: tis rather foggy
gabz: sun is supposed to show itself. but, we'll see.
JPennant: Feels like Chicago here.
gabz: oh dear
JPennant: (been using that line all morning)
JPennant: impresses new yorkers no end. :-)
gabz: lol

Makes me sound witty an' gritty an' shytte.

--------------
I havta admit. Wandering New York this morn had me fired up.

Kinda good to be back in da city.

Good times.

Of course, I still have nary a dime to my name, which aint good in this city.

Good times.
-------------------

I inquired recently about shooting digital pix for a real estate firm...

I got a reply today. To wit:

This position has been rented.
Thank you for your inquiry.

Heehee.

"This position has been rented."

Heeeeeee. :-)

I could say more.
-------------------
I have a sign on my apt door from the Hudson County Court of New Jersey that says that the apartment is no longer mine.

Never had one of those on my door before.

I should take a picture.
-----------
God bless fred. :-)
----------
About the cross country train ride, sistah cyn writes:

travel while you can joey.
i've only now learned, tied down as i am,
that it's a luxury. and one never knows
when s/he'll be tied down!

She is *absolutely* right.

Who know when or if I'll get another chance like this.

I think I just wanna cross the Rockies in a choo-choo. :-)
------------
Its snowing.

Gives a certain poetic quality to my trek outta Jersey.......

To those who've clocked on..

Right now, its just an expeditionary sorte. Basically, Im going for a look-see to gain some experience and exposure.

But it is open-ended.

With Ma having to be in Miami until later this year, there aint no compelling reason for me to hang around.

But. Its all open-ended, as I cant tell the future.
------------
I guess one reason Im hating this Chicago/Canadian type weather pattern is that normally around the New York area, it doesnt STAY cold for extended periods of time..

An indication of how cold it feels is even in the middle of winter, New Yorkers to try to be stylish. (Even if the color happens to be yer all-purpose black).

Right now, its too painful to be stylish. Most everyone is bundling up in hats, scarves and mufflers.

Well, I'll take that back. There are always some folk who will BE fashionable, no matter how much it hurts.

But, I havent seen this many parkas out in a long time. Some folk just arent used to this.
----
Heh. I'll be..I DID write down my resolutions for 2001.

... if I live through this year, I endeavor:

to make improvements in my health, wealth and loves.

to continue taking steps to be a better man.

To resist my fears and to make anger unimportant.

to continue rediscovering my dreams.

to improve my creative bent.

to continue to learn love and acceptance.

Not bad at all. Worked out, cept for the love and acceptance part.
Although I did start appreciating that the love and acceptance has gotta start wit me.
Cause with some folk, it often isnt JUST about who am, but what I have. Or dont have.

With that in mind, I do have another resolution for 2002 and beyond.

Im gonna try to be nicer to people and make more of an effort to make them matter.

With that I hope to live a healthy, wealthy, loved and creative life.
Hopefully, a fulfilling life follows.

Heh. Still working on that wealthy part.

Oh yeah, and not to dread the coming of St Valentine's Day this year.

Heh. Well sheeyit. THAT lived up to expectations.

It doesnt look like I'll havta worry about Valentine's this year.

Although one really cant tell the future, can they....
-------------------

"You've got to..
Know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run.."
- The Gambler

Almost ten years ago, I picked up a book entitled "Know when to leave", a slim paperback on figuring out the best time to leave your job.
Because it was in the bargain bin for 50 cents, I picked it up - even though I *thought* I didnt really need it, what with the "well-paying and secure" job I thought I had at the time.

Good thing I picked it up. That book, long gone, really opened my eyes.

The reason I mention this, is that of all the things I regret most in hindsight, the most deeply felt is..

"I shoulda left that (job/relationship/place/situation) sooner."

It BUGS me when I reflect afterward and think, "I SHOULDA left earlier. I *knew* it back then too."

That is one life skill that I wish I could hone, as it requires one to reconcile gut feelings with clear reasoning.

The two are often incompatible.

My point is... I think its definitely time now.

Im not in the mood for regrets.
----------
God, Ive ALWAYS wanted to take a cross-country train trip.

That would mean Id be cut off from the Internet for five days tho ... hmmmm.

Yeah, my feet are definitely getting itchy.

I was reading the current issue of ESPN magazine, where they recounted the tale of a kid who HITCHIKED from Philly to San Fran with naught but 20 bux in his pocket.

Hell, I drove around the East Coast once starting out with less than 600 bux, ending up with money to spare.

So, sheeyit...

With the cold, I almost wish it would just snow and get it over with.

I said "almost", Em. :-)

People commented on the difference in my pictures when I came back from SF in 2000..

Different energies...

September 2000


6th Avenue and 4th
Thats a man.

Yes indeedy.


Modo ads.
Had em all over NY in the summer of 2000.
I was taking pictures of them because they were funny.
Blew all their cash on the ads before they even introduced the service in NY.
Their backers pulled the plug.
I think one of the first of the spectacular Dotcom casualties.



Funny ads tho.



Sixth Avenue and West 4th


Wall Street in front of the Trump building

The blonde was embarrassed.
And I HAD to take the picture.

Nowadays, I dont think you see that sorta flamboyance around NY.


Canal and Broadway, Chinatown


Cab going up Amsterdam Avenue, Upper West Side

Yeah, different energies.
I had changed when I came back from SF.

Different time too.

Helping LilBro clean up Ma's apartment a few weeks ago, we came across a picture of all three brothers together, taken I think in 97 or 98.

I cringed at the picture of us together arm in arm, smiling.

"My god, I didnt appreciate just how big I'd gotten over the years."

I think I wouldve felt worse if I hadnt lost weight this past year.

That brings us to the year end review:

Do you feel the past year has been a waste?

Hell no. A lot of worthwhile things happened.

So, the entire year did NOT suck?

In retrospect, it sure has.
The poverty and uncertainty, yes, does indeed suck.

But, I also accomplished a LOT in the last year.
Not as much as I'd like. but *shrug*.

See, thats the thing about all this...

Im going through tough times because I NEEDED to make changes. I dont think I would be as driven to make those changes if it were not for the hard choices that limited means forces upon you.

So.. the good things:

Yes, Ive lost quite a bit of weight this last year.
Partly because of the poverty.
The daily walking helped too.
I just hope I have the will to keep it down when times are good again.

My only regret is that I couldnt afford to partake of Bayonne's and Staten Island's fine dining establishments.. but if I had.. *sigh*

My health is a LOT better than it has been, partly for the reason stated above.
Partly because Ive been away from the stress of living and working in New York proper.

The time spent in the outer provinces has definitely helped.

I am hell bent following my dreams and inclinations.
This past year, I had the choice to go for the 9-5, or work toward what I feel I should be doing.

Im making the stubbornly hard choices, and Im paying for 'em.

But... I feel this is a test.How badly do I want my dreams?

Badly enough to endure all this. So bad I can *taste* it.

As I said to someone just now.. bad things often happen for good reasons.

Last year around this time, I knew I needed to make changes.

I wanted to lose weight and start a new career.

Did that. And much more. And thats good.

Lets hope this year gets better.
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I check my mail daily.. and normally it merely dribbles in.

I dont get to check my mail for the holidays.. and I have 45 pieces waiting for me.

Im not complaining.. but whoo.. Ive spent most of my precious library time answering mail.

But its nice.
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Where am I going? Where will I be?

Still up in the air as I write.