"Smile. It Could be Worse."
* Seen on a panhandlers sign in Berkeley

I cant remember the quote exactly, but I understood it implicitly the moment I heard it.
It was written by a WWII bomber pilot describing how he and his mates dealt with flying into the face of certain death over and over and over.

You get past the point of hysteria, where the tension has stretched beyond the point of screaming, and all that is left is calm..

"..stretched beyond the point of screaming.."
I dont get mad anymore. I dont flip out, scream, throw things or yell.
Sure, my blood pressure goes up, I get stressed, I worry - but mad?

No.

I recognized I had gotten to this state of being somewhere on the cross-country bus ride, after dealing with one thing after another and another.

I think I relished the realization, that I simply had to face everything and just deal.

When I start getting to the point of being mad at someone or something, logic kicks in and I switch the channel to calm down.

Heh. More Jedi mind trix.

Power is indeed within.
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The past 3 years have stretched me out past the point of hysteria pretty good as my adult fears have been realized.

When I became an adult:
Didnt want to pursue being a writer, because life in the garret of poverty didnt appeal to me.
Check.
Didnt wanna be a photograper, because that condemns one to a wretched life of toil for little reward.
Check.
Homelessness.
Check.

Abject poverty. Scorn. Toil for no immediate reward.
Check, check, check, check.

No point in getting mad. Ive chosen all this.

So, I hardly get mad.

Successful people have rage inside of them. To be successful you need that inner rage.

Im starting to wonder if being this calm isnt somewhat detrimental.

One needs a bit of rage for motivation, and there are things Im doing that demonstrate Im not doing all that I should for myself.
Because Im being calm, and thinking things will all work out.

Or is it another, deep hurdle within myself that I need to clear to get to the next level?

He told me several times that he didn't like my kind
'Cause I was a bit 2 leisurely
Seems that I was busy doing something close 2 nothing
But different than the day before

- Prince
Raspberry Beret

Ive been told over and over, that Im the lackadaisical sort, unwilling to get moving until the last minute.

Am I the driven sort?
No. Money, sex and fear hardly motivates me, to the frustration of all.

That what *does* motivate me, is it enough?

Is merely dealing enough?

Or am I asking the wrong questions at the wrong time?
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Ive learned more in this past year or two than I have in all the previous five combined.

And yet, I feel as If I have not even begun the apprenticeship.

Heh. Reminds me of what the Sicilian Ladies said to me on the 37th birthday..

"Ach. Youre a young man, still got a long way to go."