JPennant: Now, today I gotta go eat shit for what I wrote yesterday
McClint: that's the risk of being a writer

Normally, I try to be considered and careful in what I write and say.

While still being direct.

You risk stepping on a million mines when you write in a public forum.

You hope folk understand where youre coming from, but sometimes it blows up.

Thinking back, did I take ALL due care and precautions? No.

Did I know what I was doing? Yes.

I said what I said, I did what I did and I said I was sorry to those I hurt.


Was I wrong? Definitely.

Specially in holding up as examples people who normally have no ill-intent toward others.

Not in their makeup.

Now.. I take responsibility for what I wrote. And I tried to modify what I wrote. And I didnt want to hurt anyone make them angry, or lose friendships.

But. That feeling that came over me wasnt random, accidental and meaningless. What I said expressed it.

I am not dreaming, nor am I misunderstanding people.

I meant what I said.

When I say something, it might come out the wrong way... and it may on occasion piss off and wound people.

But I mean what I say.

Someone said I pissed off people and said unfair things about them and others before.

Called it rude and unfair.

It may have been, but unfortunately - ESPCIALLY in reference to the people and circumstances in question, EVERYTHING I said was validated.
So I was right.

Sometimes its no fun being right.

But you have to be true.


So, if I gotta eat shit and deal. Fine.

Ive learned over the years.. if you mean it, you only say youre sorry once.

After that, you owe no-one any apologies.
----------------

7:35pm

bigY: Whew, on the hot seat today, huh?
JPennant: yar :-(
bigY: I wasn't surprised to see peeps getting bent over that...
JPennant: well, im taking down ***** thing in a bit
bigY: i can't imagine ***** would be too happy either...
JPennant: and take ***** name out of it
JPennant: She has a point about that.
JPennant: ***** didnt do anything
bigY: oh, i understand. i don't think people like to have assumptions made about them
bigY: no matter how much of it may be true
bigY: or not
JPennant: this is true.
bigY: heh-heh, did you see you horrorscope today?
JPennant: for whom?
bigY: Virgo
Tue May 15, 2001 by Astrocenter.com
The square between Sun and Uranus warns you to be careful about what you say about other people. If you are speaking about someone who is not present, act as if they are. What is your motivation for saying the things you want to say? Is it really necessary to speak in such a manner? A negative comment about someone else is going to resonate throughout the cosmos and will come right back at you. People will also lose their trust in you.

JPennant: Wow.
bigY: Hmm, shoulda read that before posting today... haha!
JPennant: Gahhr.
JPennant: Im putting THIS up. :-)
bigY: heh-heh.... ;-)
JPennant: Trust me to be in tune with the *$^$)#& universe *today*.
bigY: apparently... :-\
JPennant: ah well. guess it was gonner happen
bigY: yup, i guess you didn't have a chance 2day
JPennant: Weird. I bought four papers this morn.. and I didnt even read my horrorscope like I normally do...
JPennant: *poof*
bigY: it's funny, i don't really follow those things, but for some reason, when I read about your "troubles", I just instinctively went to check yours out...
JPennant: heheh. good instincts
JPennant: i was already actually editing stuff, but you kinda helped me to appreciate i was in the wrong.. righteous indignation or no.
JPennant: thanks :-)
bigY: your welcome!

bigY signed off at 7:56:59 PM.

Nancy was born and bred in and all over Brooklyn. She may live in the suburbs now, but she still thinks of herself as a Brooklyn Goil.

Plus, she always gives me her unvarnished opinon.

She is always fair.

JPennant: tell me your opinion on (previous entry).. Am I over-reacting?
Nancy: k
Nancy: are they from brooklyn?
JPennant: No.
JPennant: Even tho they live in Brooklyn.
Nancy: i am and parts of it are scary - but you don't know that until you've been thru them.
Look at what happened at the carnegie deli last week. That is mid-manhattan! tourist central... seconds from penthouse apts that overlook central park... that's scary...
JPennant: Im not saying parts of Brooklyn isnt...
JPennant: but..
JPennant: the place is smack dab in the middle of downtown brooklyn by fulton and flatbush
Nancy: well, I don't think I'd go there by myself at night... but i've been there before...
JPennant: hell, there are parts of her block that are just as scary at night
Nancy: can't push people to do something they don't want to...
JPennant: we both love jamaican meat patties
Nancy: did she think you were going there?
JPennant: sure.. the patty places ar on my way to my mom's house. no big woop.
JPennant: steps from the subway stations even
Nancy: i know - but she wouldn't venture there herself
JPennant: not even in broad daylight.
JPennant: Even tho areas of Chinatown or Willimsburg or Fort Greene.. are FAR more dangerous neighborhoods.
JPennant: Whats the difference?
Nancy: people have comfort factors and most are unwilling to venture past them.
JPennant: I understand that.
JPennant: but
JPennant: perception is not always reality.
Nancy: very true... but perceptions create those comfort factors... real or not...
JPennant: These are folk who would rather go to Costa Rica than go to past the 'safe' areas of Brooklyn.
Nancy: true
Nancy: perhpas you can take her next time so she can see
JPennant: Heh. I would seriously doubt that she'd go....
Nancy: have you offered?
JPennant: yep, i do believe i have.
Nancy: then it is her choice - and loss...
JPennant: If she isnt willing to go five blox from her house...
JPennant: These are folk who would rather traipse through Central Park at midnight, than go into Crown Heights.
Nancy: you're over-reacting.... its their choice...
JPennant: i dunno. i used to think it wasnt a big deal.. their fears were understandable...
JPennant: but after awhile... it grates. I didnt think it would but it does....
Nancy: not worth it...
JPennant: Around Park Slope and Prospect Park.. you are seeing signs saying "NO MAS Yuppies" and "Yuppie go home"
JPennant: Normally I would see that and think .. thats just a reaction to people coming in and pricing previous residents out.
JPennant: Now, I think its more...
Nancy: ?
Nancy: like?
JPennant: they are regarded as foreigners invading the space, who would rather have it be like manhattan instead of integrating WITH the people who are there.
JPennant: does that make sense?
Nancy: yes but i don't think that is entirely true. My grandmother was in prospect park residence by grand army plaza... while the apartments are expensive many of the little shops and restaurants haven't change - actually gotten a chance to better themselves. I think it is unrealistic to believe that people would not put their own influence into an area where they live. It happens both ways... good for bad and bad for good. My old neighborhood is turning Russian and Korean to reflect the people moving in there.
JPennant: I know.. stuff changes
JPennant: But I go to Sunset Park, Bay Ridge, Park Slope.. like anybody else
JPennant: Crown Heights is no worse.
JPennant: It all a part of Brooklyn to me, good or bad.
Nancy: me too.... if there is something I want I will go where I can get it... just mind my own business and keep my eyes and ears open...

Nancy: don't let it eat you - its really not worth it. Just hope one day people will learn better
JPennant: well, I started a little trubble anyways. Its usually quite effective :-D

---------
Yeah, well.

Lets just say folk got pissed
Whoo.
------------
Now. Let me STRONGLY emphasize, so that people dont misread this:
No one actually did anything wrong. Nor did anyone else.

Its not really ABOUT them. (Reread if youre not sure I mean that.)

I think people have the impression Ive always felt this way. Uh-uh.
It just kinda came over me. It seems that its only.. no, there are exceptions.. primarily black, hispanic or jewish folk would go into that neighborhood to even buy a patty or a loaf of bread.

These are MY feelings.

But after awhile, hearing - "I dont wanna go ' there' " .. and the place isnt near as dangerous as *anywhere* else in NY....

After a couple of years of hearing it, for some reason the refrain *bothers* me now.

People are wary of much of Brooklyn because they think its almost all black.

Let me say this for all my folk to hear:

Just because the majority of the people you see in an area are black, does NOT automatically make it a bad neighborhood.

In fact, if you walk around, you may see more 'white' folk than you think.

Perception is not always reality.


A friend hasnt gone much beyond her view of Brooklyn, because of what I state above.

The perception is, if it aint Manhattan, Queens, Bay Ridge, Willamsburg, Park Slope/Prospect Park/Cobble Hill, Ocean Parkway or Brooklyn Heights.... it's 'scary'.

Case in point:

She loves beef patties as much as yer average Caribbean folk.

If not more. :-)

I tell her there is a decent patty place a few city blox from her on Flatbush Avenue. Walking distance.

She has not gone. In nearly a year.

I tell her it is right outside the Nevins Street station.

She doesnt even know what train goes there.

Never mind that it is ONE (or two, depending on which train) stop away from her normal station that she hops off.

At this point, I have more than a sneaking suspicion that once I mention the term "Flatbush Avenue".. that is code for "mostly black folk".. and is therefore 'scary'.

Press her on it, and the excuse "I just dont have the time" will hang in the air.

Nevermind (and I stress this for folk who are not from New York) that it is less than a mile from her house. IN the neighborhood.

Now, Im not bashing her or anyone alse as being racist or bigoted. Theyre not. At all.
I wouldnt wanna know them if they were.

But it might give them an idea of why there are recent signs of "NO MAS Yuppies" or "Yuppie Go Home" graffiti'd around where they live.

They move to Brooklyn. They grow to like it, and yet act like most of Brooklyn is dirt.

Because too much of it is 'scary'.

Even tho much of Oz (Manhattan), where theyd rather live, is far scarier.

You dont need a passport to wander your own neighborhood, shit.

If you're gonna live somewhere.. LIVE there.

*sigh* This entry didnt start out as a rant.....
-----------------

Doctor: "You wont catch him, he's too smart."

Marshalls:
"HEY!!OHhoho....
- ..We're pretty smart..
- ..I always thought I was..
- ... last time I looked..."

Deputy Gerrard: "Well, ok... he may be smart. Is he as smart as you?"
Doctor: "Smarter."

- The Fugitive

My fatal flaw is that I tend not to do things unless Im motivated.

As Debbi Kempton-Smith put it about about us Mars in Cancerians " ..their worst habit is they let opportunities go by because theyre not in the mood."

But I dont think Im worse than yer average bear.

Like this blogger thing. Its always been flaky, but like most people, we've learned to work around its quirks.
But its not conducive to actually getting stuff done if its not working, as it increasingly isnt, which is why the smart folk are abandoning blogger in droves as they look for more reliable alternatives.

For years, Ive always been interested in publishing solutions that blogger neatly addresses... but I figured someone else would do that.

The talented Noah Grey actually whipped up an elegant Perl Script and called it GreyMatter.. which is growing to be the preferred remote publishing tool of choice for the cognoscenti of the blogging world.

When we talked about doing this years ago, Eric and I thought of the parameters that became one of his tools.. Edgar ..which he uses for publishing to the Intranet at work.

Eric and I looked at the source code of GreyMatter.
Nice.. but we thought we could make that industrial strength.

Something that combined the power of Vignette StoryServer (without the price and consultants), with the ease of use of Diaryland, with the features of blogger.

I always thought I was pretty smart, and if this isnt an opportunity to actually learn something the hard way,I dunno what would be.

I was just never really interested to strain brain cells on doing actual programming..

Not in the mood to ferk wit all that.

But my growing irritation at the flakiness, unreliability and growing unsuitability to cross-platform publishing that blogger has become.. is prodding me to do something home-brewed for my current and future needs.

Out of tragedy, often comes opportunity. And Im in the mood.
-------------

Hm?

Nothing much.

I was gonna do laundry this weekend... I mean, I am...

I was damned tired yesterday... tisha didnt try to wake me up, judging by my long bouts of silence. God bless her.

I got coffee. The ...what's the word.. novelty.. of buying my coffee from a decent bakery only a block away is wearing off.

Their shit isnt all that great, even tho the famous sicilian wariness to strangers is wearing off and Im getting a 'hello-ah honay' when I walk through their doors now.

Plus, they were out of half-and-half the last few days. Shit, thas prolly the primary reason I get coffee from there.

Think I'll buy my own creamer.

If I didnt make such shitty coffee, Id have my own coffee maker. (Trust me.. Jack Soo on Barney Miller made better swill on his worst days than I ever will..)

Got the sunday papers... havent read them yet. Thank god Ive shaken the urge to buy the Sunday Times. So expensive, and I rarely read 'em. Hurts to have to throw out that big bundle unread, still in its bag usually.

I did pick up a copy of TimeOut New York. Because it was "The Apartment Special". I bought it cuz of the "Supersize It! How to maximize your tiny kitchen" teaser. I wanted to pick up tips on how to maximize my tiny kitchen.

Thats been on my mind a lot lately.

*sigh* Shitty.. wait.. no.. it wasnt a shitty article.. it just didnt really help.
It wanted me to shop at Zabars, Bed Bath and Beyond, and Lechters...

Nah, well maybe Lechters. Id like to check out what they have, seems like they have interesting schtuff.

Sun wants a picture of this place....heh... she must be bored. :-)

I play the radio 24-7 as the TV's the guy left are shot. I leave it on Bloomberg.

This is why I know Perry Como died.. and why I couldnt remember the name of any other song today. They kept playing "Poppa loves Mambo" during the newscast announcing his death.

I STILL cant remember the name of that Onyx song that I play when I feel like headbanging....

Man, I must be alcoholic. I want a beer.

I just had some alcohol.. one.. two.. two days ago.

I'll have some leftover risotta and baked chicken I made last night...

Ok. Now Im typing in the dark.

JPennant: <--typing in the dark.... risotta and parmesan to the side
tisha: what?!
tisha: why in the dark?
JPennant: it got dark
tisha: oh okie

Too lazy to get up and switch on the light.

Ooof. This futon is killing my back.

I should move the mattress in here and move the futon to the living room.

Ugh. I dont have any queen sized sheets for the mattress yet.

And moving everything around sounds suspiciously like work.

On a SUNDAY this guy is practicing guitar in the club downstairs?

I wouldnt mind.. if he were good.

Oof.

I should stretch.

But that seems suspiciously like work.


Laundry isnt gonna get done tonight.
-----------------------

I was gonna go into a speech about how I dont care and try not to care so I can deal with how people are.

Thatsa crock o' shit.

I do care.

I try not to because I will get hurt if I stay connected.

I have to stay detached, rationalize logically so I can think the hurt away..

Ive become pretty good at it too.

That attribute does come in handy as an observer.

Maybe thats the flip-side of a god-given gift.

But, it feels like Ive given up on feeling like I can feel free to care.

Maybe soon.

-------------------

I wish..

"I wish I was a little bit taller
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl
so then
I could call her
I wish I had a rabbit
in a hat
and
a bat
and
a six four father.

I wish I was a little bit taller, y'all."

- Skee-Lo I Wish

- I wish I had some quality pots and pans so I could cook more.

I have a saute pan, and two pots. Thats it.

I would love a couple of woks, cast iron pans, non-stick well built pots and a 'dutch' pot.

Hmm. Maybe I could use a pressure cooker too.

A pressure cooker. That was the last thing my Aunt Ellen asked me for. And she NEVER asked for anything.

And I never came through. :-(

- I wish we could have some rain and wash this pollen storm outta the air.

Even people who have never had an allergy attack are succumbing to this pollen storm.

We need some steady rains to abate the dust and bring some relief.

You can hardly think when you can hardly breathe....

- I wish I could relax.

Money isnt going to end all my worries (it usually brings up some other worries.. boys and girls.. let no one ever know you have money.), but I just wanna live and live my dreams.

Money would allow me to focus on them.

But without the motivation to think of solutions that poverty provides, I would prolly still be wondering why I'm vaguely dissatisfied with life.

I'm not dissatisfied with life, but I am tired of not having some long term stability.

Then again, as I told Jules of NY recently.. if I had to choose between being rich and dissatisfied and poor but focused - I would always choose the latter.

But still....

- I wish &%#$)*& blogger would work.

Ive wasted much of these last few days trying to simply publish entries and retrieve lost archives.

But apart from hating Ev with a passion he can only dream of right now.. its not so bad.

That boy is in over his head and distracted by the notoriety.

Anyways.

Blogger was supposed to be a temporary publishing solution until I got a semblance of stability back.

Well, I assumed that meant I would have the cash to have a laptop powerful enough to run Dreamweaver again...

But shit. I have all the tools to design or appropriate my own solutions right now.

And Ive been meaning to redesign my site properly and bring it out of the HTML 3 days.

Really, if push came to shove, I COULD put dreamweaver on this thing.. but nah.

Im learning the technologies behind the internet, so why not take advantage to learn more?

Its not a tragedy, its an opportunity.

- I wish I had some steady companionship.

A sex-obsessed (some call him a perv) piscean friend suggested the next time I swing by Berkeley, to come by and swing.

Not to dance..

Heheh. I admit, for a hot minute there.. I said "Hmm...." :-)

But Im still a Virgo. Anything beyond twosomes make me uncomfortable. :-)

I realized with a start, that in the year since I met Da Girl, I have not dated at all.

Yikes.

And yet.. Im in no hurry to do anything or be with anyone.

Things arent so bleak.

Ive been meeting women my own age, who know what they want.

These last coupla years, Id forgotten what that was like.

Its been a very nice change, but then - aint nuthin for free.

Right, B? ;-)

Ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends, CURRENT boyfriends, kids, expenses.

Whoo. All that.

(There is no term Ive grown to hate worse than "the children's father/aka the baby's daddy". That fucker is NEVER out of the picture, even if he's not around and never there. He's always on somebody's mind and everpresent.)

Heh. You know what, maybe what I have now.. peace, quiet and a lack of drama aint so bad. :-)

I should enjoy this while it lasts.
------
On the bright side though, I have and have had much of the things Ive wished for in my life.

As I said, Im not dissatisfied with my lot in life.

So, I guess - above all else..


I should give thanks.

----------------

Down Broadway and around Wall Street area mostly, there are street vendors selling books, and many (mostly indian and pakistani immigrants) have specialized in selling naught but technical books to cater to all the tech types making bank in the financial industry..

Their stock is pretty impressive.

However, Ive been on the hunt for Solaris books.. and walking down Broad Street yesterday, I found one.

But the vendor wasnt around, so his vendor buddy was watching out for him.

I picked up the book, flipped through it, saw that it was EXACTLY what I needed, and the price was clearly marked on it.. 20 bux for a 60 dollar book.

Cool. I tried to haggle it down further.

I NEVER pay full price on the street anymore. Ive learned. I haggle now.

Unfortunately, this wasnt his cart. So he refused to budge from the 20 bux.

He wasnt authorized to haggle. Shit.

New York rule #24:

Once youve opened your opening offer, unless its an exceptional bargain that you cant find elsewhere.. be prepared to walk. And if an offer isnt made, walk. You will find it elsewhere.

Dont lose face paying full price.

Remember the rallying cry of savvy New Yorkers..

"EVERYTHING in New Yawk is five dollahs."

I tried to cajole him into negotiating, but he had a code.

He couldnt haggle on the stock that wasnt his.

So I walked.

Ah well, I really dont have the cash to be buying anything anyway, even though this was important.

I gotta make everything stretch until I got cash flowing again.

If only he had haggled tho...
----------------
Ugh. Im jonesing for a patty.

Hell, I had TWO in Brooklyn yesterday.. and not the mass produced ones either.

The big ones. With properly spiced meat, flaky crust, and the ever so righteous cocoa bread to hold them in.

All baked on premises.

Mmm.

That shoulda sated me for a month.

But no Im craving.

If it werent for the allergies, I would go to Brooklyn right now.

Gah.

Damn, this craving might make me do something stupid.. like go out and buy a chalupa....
--------------

Under the category of if its not one thing, its another..

Now the electricity to my bathroom is out, and the breakers seem to be working.

Shit.

Gotta have electricity to read in the library and to idly check yer zits...
--------------
If its not one thing.. Part II

And now &$%#$%*% blogger is unable to update.

Between it losing my archives for most of this year and this...

Grr.

Hasnt he heard of redundancy and NOT putting changes on your main machines first??

Grr.

So what if im not paying for this. The community is STILL paying (indirectly and directly) his daily bread and contacts by using blogger.

Changes shall be made.
-------------

Randoms:

Walking down a Brooklyn street this past evening...

"U is a yahdie?"
Me: "Yeah mon."
"Irie."
(How the hell could he tell I was a Jamaican?)
"Wha' part?"
"Kingston. Duhaney Park."
"Ee-hi? Which school?"
"Kay-Cee"
(Kingston College. An institution known for spawning..umm..training excellent scholars, athletes and free-spirited.. err.. rogues.)
"Hahaha. You is a bad bwoy!!"
"Yeah mon."
(A rep we are proud of. :-) Fortis Cadere Cedere Non Potest, y'all.)
"Irie, boss. "
"Peace."
"One love."

If I had moved to New York when I was younger, I wouldve kept my Jamaican accent, being around all the Yard folk.
I wouldnt have needed to fit in as much as I had to in the midwest where I had to flatten my accent.

Now, Im only able to speak Jamaican to other Jamaicans.. and even then...
----------------
Wow.


Aiyah.Net

This is her going into her backyard aiming the camera and...

Wow.

Good good, the aiyah chica(like most pisces chicas I know) just has talents flowing...

:-)

---------
This I didnt know.

Lose your bank card in the ATM, and instead of sending it to the bank of the cardholder, the bank holding the ATM will now cut it up.

"Nope," said the teller when I went back there to retrieve it..."I am NOT kidding."

Itsa security thing apparently.

I wouldve noticed it missing if I wasnt talking to the pretty woman with me.

*sigh* I lost a company cell in a cab because I was distracted by a pretty woman.

I swore that would not happen again.

That'll learn me.
-----------------
"World famous"?
"Ohana"?

JPennant: whats an Ohana?
mars: family
JPennant: A-woah
JPennant: (Jamaican for "Ohhh") :-)
mars: heehee

Yeah, Sun.. youre definitely in the Ohana.. :-)
----------------
The pollen is so bad, Im rubbing my eyes trying to get the pollen that feels like boulders in my eyes.

Brooklyn, the borough of trees, totally overwhelmed my medication.

I had to flee as my eyes started watering and I couldnt breathe.

Im still suffering.

Jules of LA sent me a link, showing the pollen count, normally a high of 50 or 60 parts is currently in the 6000 - 8000 range.

Gah.

Me and Jules of NY both have big ol' hepa room filters on our 'must have' list.
-----------------

Happy Birthday, Sunshine.

Im not sure why I find this item from today's Jersey Journal interesting:

Thief returns cash to free accomplice

WEST NEW YORK - A local senior citizen lost a wad of cash to a pickpocket but quickly got it back monday afternoon.

Luis Garcia, 79, told police he walked out of the Hudson United Bank on Bergenline Ave and 64th after cashing a retirement check for $1300, where he was approached by a woman asking directions to an area hospital. While talking, police said, a man appeared and got involved in the conversation.

When the discussion ended, Garcia realized his money was missing and pursued the woman to a parking lot off 63rd and Bergenline and held her there while yelling for help. The other man then suddenly reappeared and handed Garcia the $1300.

The couple then quickly left the area, police said.

Hmm.

Ok. The chances are excellent that in New York, the old man woulda got him self sliced, roughed up or worse.

Did the guy feel guilty for robbing the old man? Or didnt wanna get his woman in trouble?

I dunno, the flavor of this item is .. different.
----------------

Nesting notes:

I just heated up some tuna... using some virgin olive oil, a dash dried herb flakes (basil, oregano), a pinch of garlic (coulda done without it.. ), a sprinkle of grated parmesan.., slap it on some sweet potato bread with a bit of melted cheese (not 'cheese food') and mmmm.

Woulda been better with fresh herbs though.

I'll go pick up the plants for my liddle herb garden soon.

Mint, basil, oregano, rosemary.

Yar.

Got the idea from the herb garden light tables near the kitchens at the better (read more authentic Italian) pizza joints in Chi-town.

Im not into flowers, I like hardy, useful plants.

The mint, specially if it's strong, will provide a natural deodorizer for the place as well as give flavor for my green tea.

Mint will also grow buck wilde and take over if you let them. I used to grow them wild by the hedges in Chicago.

Luv to pick them fresh and use a leaf or two for tea, slightly crushed, so as not to release the bitterer oils.

The honey from Fred has arrived, packed, insured (O_O!!!), methodical-like. Love that Leo attention to detail. :-)

Gawd. I need to like start sending money and postage and stop mooching off me friends.

Anyways, the herb garden should grow well.

If they werent useful, theyd be weeds anyway..

Following Rachel's example... I think I'll grow a strawberry plant. Just to see what it takes and what its like..

No tomatoes. I wont eat 'em all, and I think the plants look scraggly-ass.

No parsley. Im not cooking for presentation.

I might grow a few varieties of peppers.. although they WILL be outside.

As a kid, I learned pill-popping one or two fresh small chili peppers off the plant is amazing for indegestion.

One of the things I plan to do is to use the fresh herbs to make fresh marinade. Combine light olive oil, herb flakes, crushed garlic.. let it age in a bottle. Voila, flavored oil for salads (not hardly likely in my case) and pungent marinade to flavor meats.

No aloe vera. They grow wild on the drier plains of Jamaica. I dont consider 'em interesting.

SHOOT me if I ever get the urge to grow a banana plant. Tacky.

Palms are semi-tacky. So no.

I might put a simple trellis for morning glory outside. I hate that the blooms die after the noon hour, but they grow wild and flower daily.

Apart from a rhodendron cutting, I think thas it..

Im too lazy for much else.

Orchids? Nah.. sounds suspiciously like work. :-)

--------------------
New Yorkers, in a puff of civic pride, will say this when the subject arises..

"New York tap water is great!"

Uh-huh.

If youve been here awhile, you'll know only the most accepting will believe that.

Living in florida, and tasting the water the comes from the aquifer (seriously brackish and polluted) I learned to filter my water or buy bottled.

Unfortunately, I learned that lesson far too late.. now my body is highly sensitive to the quality of the water I drink.

Around here, stores make a brisk business selling water filtered pitchers.

For awhile, I drank the tap water - but based on the rust colored sediment Id see in the toilet bowl, I knew I wouldnt want to be doing THAT for very long.

While shopping awhile back, Kate got me to buy a water filter that fits on the faucet.. expensive I thought, but Kate covinced me it would be worth it.

Sho' nuff, it was. (I had bought it for Rich's place while I stayed there.)

I liked it so much, that I had it on my 'must have' list for when i moved.

At the grocery store the other day.. I found a cheap one.

Lets just say, I feel better about drinking water from the faucet now.

A little thing, I know.. but its important to me.

And to the other folk who dont dare drink New York's tap water.

Which would be most New Yorkers.

If they do, they boil it.
------------------------------

Until recently, I had been bemoaning the fact, that my dreams had little to do with me and my life.

Theyre still nonsensical, unless Im writing a screenplay, but theyre getting a bit more personal.

Last night, I dreamt I was driving around Jamaica, places I have not been before.

Even my childhood fear and nightmares of driving off cliffs recurred, although this time, being in control of my fears, I simply flew the car back to the road.

As a pre-teen kid, my father used to take me around different places, to people he respected.

I was profoundly bored the majority of the time.

Now that Im older, with things no longer the same and many of the people gone, I kinda wish I had paid attention.

I am now the age he was then. I know get what he was trying to do.

I havent been back since 1982. Lack of time, money and interest being my excuses.

Ma told me my grandfather died last week.

My reaction was the same as my siblings.

To wit: "Why should I go to the funeral of a man who didnt even know I was alive?"

Hell, I didnt go back to the funeral of ma's only living sister, my Aunt Ellen. I love her dearly.

Why should I go to the funeral of some man who had too many children to keep track?

Ma, who is all about loyalty, got quiet and said "Maybe he just didnt kno who you were."

Her father just died. Shit. Amazing I just thought of it that way.

LilBro, born over a decade after all of us.. doesnt have the same feelings, and flew back for the funeral.

My LilBro is also about loyalty.

With that dream, I realize I do want to go back - at least for a couple of visits.

To see the mountains, coasts and family I hardly remember after 20 years. To see that bright white midday sunlight, to smell the fog, cedar, willows and firs of the mountains and to see the deep, stunning blues of the morning skies and seas.
And to see a scissor-tailed hummingbird fly by the hibiscus again, in all its irridescent glory.

Although, I hope to gawd I dont see as many weirdos as I did in that dream.
-------------

I was reading a journal this morn about someone missing a guy and how she was sorry she drove him away..

I knew instantly she had said "it".

For all women... here is some advice in general:

Even if you think it to be true, or men irritate you, or you dont want attention from some of them, or you feel theyre easy to manipulate or you prefer women and think men are icky, or all of the above... try to refrain from EVER saying this to, or about men.

"You were a fool liking/caring or wanting to be with me."

Trust me, that ranks as about the worst thing you can say.

Say something else, dont ever say that.

Once said, you can never take it back.

Dont. Just dont. Your life will be better for it.

Because, when you utter it - you are declaring an unspoken corrolary:

Anyone liking YOU is a fool.

Those words are indiscriminate in who it hurts. Its truly bad karma.

My personal reason, when I was simply friends with my ex-fiance, she had done/said the same thing about some guy she was seeing, while she was seeing someone else behind his back.

I can remember the visceral reaction of our male friends and myself after she had related the story.

"Jesus, thats cold. I wouldnt ever wanna be that guy."

And eventually, for years, behind her back, even though were her friends..

"That BITCH."

Yeah, and I got engaged to her a few years after..

That made me a fool too.

Even though I didnt marry her. I think that was part of the reason too, not just that I grew to hate her perfume.:-)

To this day, nearly 10 years later, I (and other folk) still remember her most famous saying - even though she had never said that about or to me.

Anyway.

The girl in the journal is grateful the guy is talking to her again, because she loves him.

But, I can say this for an absolute certainty:

He will never forget it.

My advice to all women, if it saves someone, yourself, from regret and pain....

Dont... ever... say it.
----------------------

As usual, in her own way, she speaks the truth.

My mom has a vast
collection of Oprah Book
Club books. I'm sure
they're all great in their
own merit, but they all
are a little too
compassionate for me.

They spend hours upon
hours describing a lone
flower that blossomed in
a cold October night.

Who the FUCK cares!? I
like to read what's real!

I like to read something
that doesn't drag out, line
after line after line, like a
slow driver with their turn
signal on three blocks
before they actuall need
to turn.

I am an American
in the 21st century: I like
things to come quickly.

- JettaGirl

See?

This is why I like people who own and prefer Volkswagens.

Theyre grounded and yet know what a shit-eatin' grin feels like. :-)

Do Passats count? I dunno, theyre more like Audi's.

Heheh.

*duck*
----------------------
Some faces that I like....

She callz me Mr Miyagi every time. Luv dat. :-)

The sister Ive never actually met, cuz we're both anti-social.

It works. :-)

Ive got a soft spot for Leos, gawd help me. :-)

CRAX me up every time I see this pic on her IM....
-------------------

Friends.

She was pissed. So pissed, that normally she doesnt get into details, and Ive learned not to ask.. but this time she felt her friend had crossed the line.. and hoo.. she was nuclear.

So she asked me what would I do.

I knew how she felt. Keenly. I woulda done what she was feeling like doing, which was to take out the knife and cut - to show her friend just how deeply she had cut to the quick.

In fact, she used as an example a person who had done the same to me.

I quieted my own anger and told her this:

When I slept in my car in my youth, I had to lay out my priorities. What was it that was most important to me above all else when i had nothing else.

And these are the three things that I appreciated are my priorities:

- Me.

If I cant take care of me, I cant take care of anyone else.

- My family

When push comes to shove, no one else will care as much as they will. I gotta look out for them.

- My friends.

Friends may come, they may go.. but you cannot get anywhere in life without 'em.


Everything else is irrelevant. Money, status, sex, ambition... nothing else matters.

Which is why, I told her, when my friend cut me - I didnt automatically cut him off, even though Ive been sorely tempted.

He had been a friend to me, and I would never forget that.

I told her to let it pass. Dont forget what happened, but let it pass.. and I told her why.

I dunno how she resolved it, but I tried to distill in a few minutes the decades of what Ive been through.

You cant get anywhere without your friends.

Sometimes its hard to know who are your friends.. which is why I set a few rules, guidelines.

In this rootless age, if you look up and someone is still there after about a year giving a damn - count 'em as a friend.

Hold the gate open.

If they do things that make you upset. Hold the gate open. If they leave, let them go. Sometimes youre glad to see 'em go, sometimes you hope they dont walk away, sometimes you wish they'd come back, but hold the gate open.

Sometimes people walk through and away when you least expect.

Welcome the ones who come in, and let the ones who leave, leave freely.

But hold the gate open.

If you keep it closed, they may leave anyway.. and may not come back.

Be a friend.

When you look up and around and no one is around... just remember.. you have to be a friend to have friends.

You dont have to buy their affection.

And vice versa.

Your friends have to trust you to be loyal to you. They dont need your shit.

And vice versa.

I couldve gone on for donkey days about this, but wisdom is brevity, so I tried to tell her all this as briefly as I could, without preaching.

And I told her this, because she is a friend of mine.
--------------
Shit, lurking in Unix-oriented IRC rooms (they even have a Bi-sexual femme Unix channel!) and reading Unix for Idjits isnt getting me anywhere...

JPennant: Yeah, Im getting nowhere trying to learn Unix. I need to set it up from scratch.
Kid: thats how I learned. and stop calling it unix, it's linux or bsd :p
JPennant: heheh. Fine. *nix. :-)
JPennant: You see Im old
Kid: yeah, I know. :-)
JPennant: I remember when Linux was just a twinkle in someone's eye. :-)
JPennant: And it was ALL Unix. :-)
JPennant: I worked at AT&T Transtech when all they ran on was Unix V, because they invented it, few people knew what the hell BSD was and PC's werent at all connected.
JPennant: Shit, I learned programming in High School on keypunch cards and IBM 360 midframes. :-)
Kid: :p
JPennant: Now, go get granpa some bourbon. :-)
Kid: as if.
Kid: I only stock tequila.
JPennant: heheh

------------

Allergies.

Head has been stopped up for days... cant think straight.

Guh.
--------------

I dont read anymore.

I mean, I do the daily newspapers and all, but everything else I just scan.

Tired of seeing an empty mailbox every day (never fear, it'll soon be crammed with bills...), I decided to start subscribing to matgazines again.

Ok, lessee.. I'll setup PC World, MacWorld, PCMagazine, MaximumPC (nee Boot), Linux Journal... umm.. umm..

Hmm. Thats an awful lot of work/geek crapp.

Ok, I'll get Publish. Wait, thats werk related too.

Hmm.

Ok, what general interests magazines do I read and not online?

Car and Driver! Fortune! and umm... New York Magazine!! and umm... umm.

Shit.

Its not just that Im not well rounded.. but I want stuff I will actually READ and not let pile up.

Shit.

I guess National Enquirer will do.

What? Dont laff. You all read it too.
----------
Popular uber-geek term Ive learned, popular, but not yet picked up by Wired or popular media (ie: New York Times, Mercury News)...

*nix: The Unix world and all its variants.

Neat, and soon to be uncool once it becomes a general term used by the media and other folk who think theyre hip (ie: me).
--------------
From the online edition of todays NY Post

NYC Weather
59°F
Sunny; breezy, nice

I like that description.. :-)

Apart from the stiff nor'eastern breeze, It sure was.
-----------------------

Under the Department of No Shit Sherlock.

I gotta get organized.. so that my mind doesnt get cluttered.

As my place is getting.

Im falling back into bad habits.

Sun hadda shoo me off IM to go to the 99 cent store.

Here is what I forgot about those "Everything is 99 cents" store:

A) Its impulse buying paradise.

B) Not everything is worth 99 cents

C) You end up spending disproprtionately more than 99 cents.

So I picked up what I needed (mop, duster, dustbins), what I thought would be good (rugs, cork board, picture hooks, drawer organiser), and what I intended to get but hadda go back for (envelopes) and stuff I DIDNT need (refrigerator magnets).

At least I gotta lotta junk for the 20 bones.

Nesting.

Sun thinks it'd be a good idea to drag me and her friend over to Ikea to equip our empty and boomy places.

She must be bored. :-)

Nah, I dont see any Ikea stuff in here.. specially as I like the shaker inspired furniture at Gothic Furniture better.

I may go to ikea for accesories ideas.. but nah.. I saw almost everything I want at Gothic.

I should take a picture of this empty space....
------------------

On one of my AIM away messages:

"Coffee and Donuts - Breakfast Of Champions."

Its not just a slogan, its a way o' life.

Im starting to like this burg..

The blocks arent those long city blocks of Brooklyn or Queens.

Theyre bite sized, human sized, walking sized.

My coffee and donuts are a block away.

The well-stocked newspaper stand, 2 doors away.

Every morning, the musical bells of the local catholic church peal their melodies.

Walking to and fro on this crisp, bright morning was... memorable.

The properly-creamed coffee was excellent, the pastries were 2 for 1.

Righteous.
-------------

"... the black folk, theyre aright.. they understand.
But the Anglos.. nah, theyre fucking clueless about us."

- Teenager from an LA barrio
from an MTV 'documentary' on race

All around the world, no matter their actual race, darker skinned folk tend to be viewed as less than equal.

And often get treated as such.

Worse if theyre of a different tribe or culture.

In this country at least, black folk arent the lowest on the totem. That dubious distinction is meted on spanish-speaking immigrants from Central America.

'They' truly have to eat shit on a regular basis.

The subject came around from a CNN item, stating that the nations 'hispanic' population had increased 60% in the last coupla years.

Me: Yeah. Its not surprising. Just look around.
(I was thinking that Bayonne's hispanic population, for a traditionally italian place, was pretty large.)
Him: Yeah, its no wonder.. they have babies like bunnies.

What th'???

Me: Hey, watch that 'they' shit, son.
Him: Its like that joke from Mondo New York "I dont mess with Puerto Ricans.... they all come out HAVING knives."

He thought he was just goofing. I was surprised.
Yes indeed, I was. And I expect the worst from people.

I have never heard him slur on other ethnicities or cultures before.

Me: The used to say the same about Sicilians.
*pause*
Him: Yeah, well..... THEY come out with tommyguns.

And that pretty much ended that. A lot of the people he hangs with ARE italian.

For a person who thinks of himself as color blind.. he saw no reason not to slur entire cultures..

Central Americans to Puerto Ricans. Theyre apparently all the same to him.

Jeez.

One of my basic tenets is that EVERYONE is a bigot and racist in some form or another.

But that doesnt mean you cant get along with folk and give them the same respect and consideration that any other person deserves.

See them as human.

Not as 'they'.
-----------------------

Heh. Cyn is on a ruminative kick I think.

Because we share the same birthday and some of the same values and characteristics.. she oft plugs into some of my stuff.

And me hers.

She calls my life right now, "indulging my wild side", as she ponders things in her 5/2 entry...

Eh.. she might be transferring a bit tho.... :-)

>
>i read your journal and feel that you gave
>in to that /wild side/, joey bro.

?????

What wild side?

Just cuz I said "fuck" fifty times? :-)

Or are we talkin bout my stubborn life choices?

>
>and i slightly envy you for it.

A lot of people do, but obviously its not a choice for the faint-hearted.

I dunno, I cant imagine living much differently anymore.

For someone who is as averse to change as I am, loves being at home and would rather cuddle for days..

I like being itinerant.

Maybe because I always feel like an outsider.

Even among friends and family.

>
>altho, i think, like me, you would be happier
>with a love and a home and some stability?
>

Maybe.. although I dont feel Ive ever really had that.

I wonder if I really desire that anymore...

Its ironic. Ive had women tell me I look like the type who desperately wants that life, and then become non-plussed when they find instead I tend to run away from that ideal.

And would rather give THEM their freedom than try to take it.

I dunno. After years of often feeling relief whenever a relationship ends... maybe Ive grown used to the idea of not joining my life with another.

Its really gotta be worth it now.

>but perhaps i assume.
>
>i dunno.

Heh. Could be you see solutions that you think would take care of the discomforts of my life.

And I see some of those solutions as choices that exact a price im not willing to pay in the long run.

In life, it turns out its easier to make the hard choices, than to choose the seemingly easy route.

And I know *you* know this to be true, stubborn sistah. :-)

>
>/hugs/ cyn

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. much appreciated luv. :-)

Eh, everything will turn out the way theyre supposed to.

Much love

Joey

I think she DOES understand tho.

But for the forseeable future.. for me.. life isnt anywhere near being about love and marriage.
--------------------

She came in with him and cuddled up against him by the subway car doors, smiling and cooing.....

She leaned forward, closer, contentedly sucking her boba drink, chewing occasionally on the black boba tidbits.

His expression didnt change as he pulled out a napkin, and fastidiously started blowing and wiping, folding, blowing, wiping, folding blowing, wiping mere inches from her.

She tried to be accomodating, never retreating from him, but waiting and apparently hoping he could get it done.

Yeah, it was kinda gross, but she didnt want him to think she couldnt handle a little snot.

He was trying to be cool and discreet.. but the allergies were simply kicking his ass.

He HAD to blow to breathe.

Had to give it to her though... the only thing that tipped her discomfort, was that she tipped the straw of the boba cup away from him, so he wouldnt accidentally spray anything on it....

My allergies are kicking me ass just as badly.

I cant go within 50 yards of an oak tree without tearing up and clogging.

I wake up unable to breathe.

Of course, by my window - I have oak, spruce and ivy.

Its pretty bad in NY right now, as the trees are working overtime to make up for the long winter and cold spring.

Of course, there hasnt been any rain in the last month to wash the air of some of the pollen. Natcherally.

In fact, this is one of the few times I appreciate the urban jungle of manhattan, as I can actually breathe when Im there.

Never mind that the air is stinky.

Of course, I walk by a park like Hanover square, and Im in distress again.

Sudafed aint doin it....
-------------
It all started with an offhand comment about being hungry.

In an IRC chat room full of geeks, you wouldnt expect the conversation all night would turn into a discourse on gourmet cooking.

I was there to pick up unix hints, and all we talked about were cooking techniques, and the best pots and pans to have.

Yep, the geek diet has definitely moved beyond the usual fare of Ramen and Mountain Dew....
--------------------
Kate gave me a little knick-knack she had picked up in Chicago...

A graduated long shotglass entitled Chicago's Big City Problem Solver.

Heheh. The notches went higher up the glass, ranging from "Dog", "Job", "Ex" to "Money".

She laughingly suggested I could use me a coupla stiff shots. :-)

You know what? She's right. :-)
--------------------
Trust a New Yorker to notice this...

Riding up the busy World Trade Center escalators from the NJ PATH trains.. a man on the escalators next to me bitched.. "HEY!!! That escalator is faster than ours!!!

Yeah, it was a little faster as we glided past him.

New Yorkers never want to feel like theyre moving slower than anybody else.

I hadda admit.. my first thought was "HEEHEE! IM ON THE FAST ONE!!"

Tito is right. I may already be a New Yorker.
-------------------

The Chicago Metro area, loosely defined, covers 4 states.

(Essentially the contiguous states lining the lower shores of Lake Michigan: Illinois, Wisconsin, Indiana and Michigan.)

The New York Metro area, covers the states lining the Long Island Tidal Basin: New Jersey, New York and Connecticut.

Here's the thing though... you may regard a metropolitan area, for practical purposes, as defined by the area's dominant city. Everything revolves around it.

Then you hit hard upon the reality that these are different STATES with significant differences in the way they operate.
They could be different countries, the differences can be so fundamental.

Which is why I now have to leave the state to go to the closest local branch of my bank... which ironically, is a humungous GLOBAL bank.

*grumble*

Which means my checks are now out-of-state checks, with all the associated hassles and joy that designation brings.

*bitch moan*

Metropolis, my ass......

*crank*
----------------------------------
Geek, geek, geek............

JPennant: God help me, Im gonna become a hacker again :-)
McClint: hahaha how so?
McClint: you found a security hole in the pentagon?
JPennant: Kid is hooking me up
JPennant: remember Jon Y?

('Kid' is what we called Jon, as he was the only minor working at AOL. He was one of those supranaturally bright kids who, when bored, redline IQ tests. He hacked into the main AOL servers for fun within days of arriving. We are glad he's not evil..... )

McClint: yeah i think so
JPennant: he is running three unix boxes at his house.
McClint: damn
JPennant: He's setting me up as a user on one of them. I had my choice of
Slackware, Redhat or NetBSD.
McClint: hahaha
McClint: and he's just gonna let you tinker and poke around?
JPennant: yep. Heehee.

Several hours later......

Yeah well.
It's not like riding a bicycle.
Ive had my head in "Unix fer Idjits" for hours now, and I havent gotten beyond listing files.

No, Im nowhere near being able to blow up the world yet......
--------------------------

A New York optical illusion

Stationary lights in the night sky.

For some reason, its best seen from the Brooklyn Bridge or a clear vantage point anywhere in Brooklyn looking south over the Verrazano Narrows Bridge.

It will always be three white lights... stationary... impossibly high up... looking as if theyre attached to tethered balloons.

Only on rare occasions is the New York night sky clear enough to see the stars, so the lights really stand out.

Ive spent many a late night staring at those lights, waiting for them to move, but, they never seem to.

Looking from my bedroom window in Bayonne, directly across New York Bay from Brooklyn, I can see one of the lights.

It doesnt seem to be moving either.

New York gets a LOT of UFO sightings, Ive heard.

But this time I have time to track it.. it IS moving.. but incredibly slowly.

Even over five, ten minutes it hasnt moved by much.

Now I know what it is.

Bayonne is in the flight path for Newark Airport, the lights eventually moving faster and adding red, green and strobes to the display.

From Brooklyn, looking south over the ocean, where the view is unimpeded by the lights of The City, you can see the planes coming into land at all three airports, Newark, Kennedy and LaGuardia, but so far out gliding in slowly, they dont seem to move at all.

Amazing you can see the lights from 40 or 60 miles over the ocean, the planes coming in so frequently that you will always see a light in the same approximate position after looking away for while.

At night, due to noise restrictions, you can hardly hear 'em - just an occasional jet's whispered thunder over the water.

I try not to feel silly hoping that the explanation is somehow more magical or incredible.

But sometimes, I still stop and look at the stationary lights, managing to deny analysis and logic..... alluding to magic.
----------------------------

Tomorrow arrives... another day.

12:45pm

jules: btw, r u ok? re: your journal entry
JPennant: Nah, Im not about to jump off a bridge . :-)
JPennant: but it wasnt fun to see someone act true to their worst side.
jules: i know, but i find silence is better than discouragement
JPennant: Uh-uh. Im not discouraged
JPennant: It just made me tired.
JPennant: The next day I woke up and my worries were addressed.
JPennant: but i didnt want to get angry
JPennant: cause that would just distract me from what i need to do.
JPennant: One of my resolutions this year
JPennant: "Not to act from fear or frustration."
JPennant: "because that would make me act in anger."
jules: if it was that easy... i sometimes find it so difficult to control my emotions
JPennant: It really is not easy, thats why I felt so tired.
JPennant: because I AM angry.
jules: gosh.. is that why i'm so tired
jules: cos i'm so angry
JPennant: it can
JPennant: it can sap the energy outta you.
JPennant: and i need the energy right now
jules: sounds like yer getting back the energy
JPennant: yeah, im excited at the possibilities again. :-)

JPennant: Speaking of bridges, I was on the Bayonne Bridge sunday around sunset.
JPennant: wishing that I had time to come back and capture it.
JPennant: even though it was mostly a view of the docks, you could see for miles in every direction.
jules: u can always go back and capture it
JPennant: It wasnt a wish. It was a little prayer.
JPennant: While I was sniffling and sneezing my ass off with all the pollen. :-)

JPennant: How stupid am i...
JPennant: I got an IM outta the blue this morn from ******. Said we should to hang out.
JPennant: I would still get together with her.
JPennant: <-- wonders if he really learned anything. :-)
(Jules was the first one to give me a heads up about what was gonna happen with her, years before it did. She's good at that about people.)
jules: ::: shaking head :::
jules: hopeless!
jules: now i need a cig
JPennant: heheh
jules: :-D

-----------------------------
3:50pm

kate: urgh
JPennant: mm?
kate: mmmmm
JPennant: mm
kate: i want to be laying on a beach with a frozen cocktail in my hand absorbing rays!
JPennant: :-)
JPennant: well, i feel human again... they just took away my busted fridge...
kate: :-D
JPennant: and i feel even better today.
JPennant: J is lending me her old P90 for me to play with Solaris on it, so that I can say I HAVE experience
JPennant: and with that in mind - I just found a job I can learn and earn on.
JPennant: things are lookin up. :-)
kate: :-D
JPennant: but tell me about your sun-drenched dream again?
kate: hehehe

---------------------------------------
4:16pm

To: joepennant
From: fredlet

Subject: Re: honey

ok its in the mail-should be there soon

=: )

fredlet
http://www.fredlet.com/

*beam*

No, not a bad day at all. :-)
----------------

Why I do it

"I realized..early..that the power of writing my words would help me remember the things I'd been lucky enough to experience and to keep them safe within me for a long as I needed it.

It was much later when I realized that those same words would help me let go, help me put one well-lived experience behind me in order to move on to something new and equally important.

The act of writing is.... a way to look, touch, and savor all life's moments while they are happening, to make each of them count and not take any of them for granted.

It is a prayer of sorts, that that continues to help me attain and conquer my life without, in the end, being conquered by it."



- Kate M. Brausen

from Chicken Soup for the Writer's Soul


-----------

Im tired, and I want to go to sleep.

Its been a long day, lasting through midnight. I have walked and travelled far.

But Im tired because someone LAUGHED and said no when I screwed up the courage to ask.

I didnt want to ask, but I wouldve felt like I wasnt trying if I didnt.

I wont forget her kindness and help, and damned well wont forget that she laughed while she said no.

And kept on laughing ..

She didnt stop until I hardened my voice and said, thats fine, dont worry about it.

Is the friendship over? It likely was before this - although Im not going damn it with prejudice.

Made me tired, although I was surprised I didnt feel much else.

The overwhelming feeling was one of "Im relieved thats over with."

Tomorrow is another day.

Now, Im just gonna go get some sleep.

Im tired.
-------------------
Im sorry Cyn.. I did get it, and thank you hon. I know you do.
-----------------

My father, being of sturdy farming stock, felt he displayed frugal and self-sufficient values.

Except for his cigarettes, and his love for all things Sony - I felt he was one cheap bahstid.

He tried to cut the hair of all his male progeny.. and traumatised us for life.

Failing that, he would later send us to arguably the worst and most-hamfisted barbers extant.

Pops, drinkin' buddies and barbers who need steady hands......

The stuff of pain and nightmares.

My brothers now cut their own hair, and I, not trusting my unsteady hands and myopic eyesight, go very long periods between barbershop visits.......

My salt-and-peppered high-density afro needed to be civilized so .. it was time to go Brooklyn for an expert cut.

In NYC, the black barbershops are pretty much divided by language and culture.

Ive been to Dominican and Boricuan (Puerto Rican) shops. These guys LIKE close, razor-edged trims.
Aiyah.
Week old razor burns make me loath to go back, no matter how much Domicans might really like us Jamaicans.
I prefer the muy beautiful Dominican women over the barbers, thank you....

British West Indian barbers all share the hearty patois and their slow, careful attention to detail.
They spend a long time to make sure your haircut is righteous.
A matter of pride, you know.
Clipper, trim, clipper, scissor trim, edge, scissor trim, razor edge, talc, and a finishing scissor trim.

Before you know it, those two hours have just FLOWN by.

AND if you dont use the mirror to check and make sure that job is flawless, and then genuflect in sincere appreciation for the 2 hour effort.......

Oy.

Wears you out.

This is why I now prefer to go the Haitan places.

Somehow, they give quick, flawless clipper cuts.. using scissors only to smooth and edge.. and none have ever laid a razor on me.

No muss, no fuss.

If only my father had learned to cut like this.
----------------------

"See, this is why I like this
blog thing. I type out
whatever's on my mind
and soon enough, I have
a solution. It's just like
talking to someone, but
since I don't like to bother
people with my simple
problems, this is a lot
easier. Yeah, or
something. "

- JettaGirl

------------

Joe, why'd you move to NJ??? Lots of nice places in Queens (NEW YORK!).

N Train Babble

Sun?

As Joey on Friends would say, "Make me an offer." :-)

Nah, as you know.. to find a simple, decent apartment in New York is hard enough, as you have to fulfill a few requirements..

- You have to know someone.

You can never find the apartment you want, when you want.
You have to catch someone who knows of a place, the place has to be available, and it has to be the right price.
And you have to know someone.

I know the super of this place. He is an ex-coworker who has lived here for over 10 years.

And HE learned about from a friend of his living here.

Cant get any better than that.

- Upfront costs require bank.

First month. Last month. Security. Brokers fee (now standardizing on 12% of the yearly rent).

Oh yeah, and you may have to pass along a little grift to the super to make sure there are no 'last minute snags".

Admit it, you will require help from the 'rents/SO/good friends to make bail, er, rent.

Me? Pay the rent. Every month. No security deposit. Month to month lease.

Yeah, wow.

Pays to know the super and have a landlord who doesnt need this to make his monthly nut.

Even though Im having trouble simply paying the rent right now, still a deal....

And you'd hate me forever if I told you what the rent is.

-Location, location, location.

Finding a place WHERE you want to live in the New York area.. is a cut-throat endeavor.

Everybody seems to want to live where you would like to.

If it's convenient to everything, fuhgeddaboutit.

If its in Manhattan? Magnify rules, requirements and hassles stated above by a factor of three.

And you'll be lucky to find a rat-trap.

Queens is nice enough I guess. Apart from the Number 7 train, tho - I dont want to face having to ride the trains into Queens daily.

Oho, yes - I have ridden the N train into Queens before. :-) Not exactly swift, is it? :-)

And I wasnt taking it during rush hour.
---
Until you get to New York, you dont understand - nay, appreciate- that simply finding and having a place to live is a grimly trying experience, on the mind of everyone.

Your choices are limited.

You end up taking what you can get.

And if you find a good place, you hang onto it for dear life as long as you can.

So, Sun - this place is neat, clean, convenient and cheap. Even if its in the outer burg of Bayonne, right next to Staten Island.
It is not a bad little place.

And it IS New York. Sorta. A hidden part.

Its also absurdly over-policed. Them and the mob keep it quiet. Ask The Kid sometime.

If you can find me better in Queens? Make me an offer. :-)

Plus, the latte's and italian cheesecakes at the Italian joints here are incredible. You'd dump your Dunkin Donuts swill in a heartbeat. :-)
-----------

When I was in college, a blunt-speaking communications instructor tried to clarify things for me...

I paraphrase:

"Finish school as quickly as you can. Get it over with. Get your degree. What you learn in college isnt as important as you think in the greater scheme of things.
The real purpose of college is to learn how to learn."

Of all my teachers' advice in college, over 15 years ago.. that indeed is the ONLY thing that still stix with me.

Of course, being young and lacking the benefit of hindsight, I didnt do what he said, so I struggled to stay in school, until the process of living life made me give up in exhaustion without getting my degrees.

With the benefit of hindsight, I shoudve done all that it took to finish school.
Back then, I didnt believe that I could fight and be stubborn until I achieved.
Actually, I didnt know that I could fight and be stubborn until I got what I needed..

Thats why Im so stubborn about things now.

What he said was right on the button. I have done more bookwork and learning after I left college than I ever imagined I did IN college.

Particularly when I realized what it was I needed to do.

Thats life.
Cause we are still all students.

Thats why Im excited about getting back up to speed and learning.......
------------------------

There are times in your life when it hits you...

DOH!!

And you realize you havent even been using the brain capacity of your kidneys.

*bang bang bang* of head

Ive been looking in the wrong places for work....

Looking for the wrong type of work....

Wasted all this time.

JPennant: hey mark.. wassup
IO: whatcha up to
JPennant: heh.. im being forced to learn Unix boss. :-)
IO: unix is good stuff to work with
IO: one day i need to learn again more of it
JPennant: yeah, i sorta wish i had some of YOUR experience right now
(He was a Unix admin at a small Texas ISP awhile back)
JPennant: DUH!!!
JPennant: I AM stupid.
IO: not
JPennant: i am
IO: !!
JPennant: i needed to learn unix, right?
IO: linux at least
IO: easy to work between the two
JPennant: Off all the places, where did I NOT apply to work at??
IO: heheh
JPennant: An ISP. DOH!!
(The PERFECT place to learn hands on Unix and admin issues! ANY fool knows that!)
IO: DOHDOHDOH
JPennant: Jeez!!
IO: could be fun tho
JPennant: Yes indeed :-)
JPennant: Doh!!
IO: -)

I couldve been earning and learning a LONG time ago!!! AAAAAAARGH!!

I pop in "ISP" for a local search for work at dice.com - and sure enough..

A...... shitload.....of.....work.

I send out two feelers.. I immediately get two responses.

Oh lord. All this time. Wasted.
-------------------
Nancy used to be my boss at Deloitte.....

JPennant: You know my work..
JPennant: I tend to know my shit.
Nancy: definitely... and you learn quickly too

But now, Ive let my skills deteriorate to the point that recruiters were shit-canning my calls and resume.

Wake-up call. It's time to get my skillset back up.

So... Ive started. Solaris/Unix, Perl etc etc...

JPennant: I have to thank ya by the way
JPennant: made me realize ive been wasting my time these last few months
JT: i'm lost...what are you talking
JPennant: when you hepped me to the potential of learning and earning from Unix
JT: ahhhhhhhh
JPennant: i was looking merely at support jobs
JPennant: and hating the idea of it
JT: dude...there are some things that are dead obvious in life, you know? like where Im working...you are the one that told me years ago that content management/data management/etc would ALWAYS be a need...
JPennant: sometimes you dont see the obvious yanno?
JT: 'zactly

JPennant: today i realized i needed to earn and learn
JPennant: and since i needed hands on unix.. where would YOU go?
*pause*
JPennant: the one type of place i wasnt looking
* long pause*
JPennant: ISP's.
JT: *doh!*
JPennant: thats what *i* said :-)

JT: dude, UNIX admin skills are portable EVERYWHERE.
JT: banks, isp's, ASPs, software companies.
JPennant: oh god yes.. and not just admin
JT: feh, i dont want to write real code ever again
JPennant: management
JPennant: analyst
JT: valid point, sales/bus analyst with genuine UNIX skills would be a commodity.
JT: i know - we are hiring 40 of 'em a week
JPennant: oh god yes.
JPennant: I fgure 3 months of daily practice will get me to junior level
JPennant: 1 year and change, senior status.
JT: so....

...... so Im learning

Cris is sending me a crapload of reference material.

Cris: I will be real happy for you when you have skills few have again
JPennant: i think everyubody is waiting for me to get back to guru status :-)
Cris: put you back in *elite* status. hehe
JPennant: heehee :-)

Yep.

In answer to mars' and tish's query as to how Im feelin' now...

I'm feelin' better. With the help of my friends.

It really is true. You cant get anywhere without 'em.
-------------------

By the way.. no - Im still going to write, photograph and publish.

All this is still to help pay my ways to my dreams.

I will NEVER leave those behind again.

My dreams have become stories now, with little to do with me or my life except as an observer.

I had another dream last night.

It was sufficiently creative enough I guess, in a Lifetime channel kinda way (Olympic champion cyclist, racially mixed california style,with beautiful wife and kids, comic relief provided by a re-done Ralph Kramden-Ed Norton duo.. and a sufficiently dark sad twist revealed toward the end - the couple started off as mutual druggies, the wife had one hand and Ralph and Ed beat the shit out of each other as the pent up animosity of Ed boils over.. in a funny way as Ralph gets his come-uppance.. I woke up laughing)...

But the response of people commenting on my meece situation reminded me of a part I nearly forgot...

There was a stuffed, lifelike puppy that gradually came to life as the dream progressed.

What I wasnt cognizant of while in the dream was that the puppy as he evolved, became more and more cat-like as I became more affectionate with it.

In fact, thats the only thing I interacted with as I stepped out of the role of observer.. the puppy/cat.

Poo suggests I lay out some rat poison for the mouse. Jules of LA on the other hand thinks I should do a trap, as the poison often leaves the mouse dead and rotting in the walls.

I agree with both techniques, although Id rather lay out poison than handle squished, splattered rodents.

No, actually - I was thinking of bringing in a cat to patrol the place from time to time.

Not just to catch the mouse, but the smell of a cat usually makes mice wary of entering a place.

However, I think my real motivation is to have a cat for the company.

The blonde just got a kitten for her kids, that she - a dog person - is bonding with. I dont mind as it attacks my shoelaces, clinging to my shoe....

I really do miss the company, affection and antics of HappyCat, and he was probably one of the best parts of staying in Staten Island.

Down the road, I may just get a cat.
----------------------------
Hm. My honey is finished.. :-(

I gotta get myself to Cali this yar...
--------------------

Kate asked if I was mad at her.

No.

Jules wondered if she had pissed me off.

I didnt think that she had.

No, Ive merely been in a bad mood.

For all kinds of reasons, but Im not particularly mad at anyone.

In fact, I tend to avoid the people I AM mad at.

For all those thrill-seekers and adrenaline junkies tho - trying to get me mad is not a good, nor wise, thing to do.

Not right now, anyway.
------------------

10:32am

kate: hey:-)
JPennant: hey hon. wassup?
kate: nuttin- have massiv allergic reaction or something
kate: my face feels all swollen
JPennant: yeah, the pollen is all about. im sneezing and my eyes are watering too.
kate: :-(
JPennant: or were you out fightin? :-)
kate: heehee
kate: maybe in my sleep
JPennant: your secret life as a superhero...
kate: how did you know?
JPennant: i read the papers..... :-)

----------------------
Geek, geek, geek...

Spending idle time perusing Perl, Solaris x86 for Intel, mail structures....

My peers have been urging me to get into application development.. even if I dont wanna be a programmer.... or tech.

This stuff isnt so hard tho.

Geek, geek, geek... getting in touch with my inner geek again.

---------------

JettaGirl, as usual, often expresses it better than I do......

I hate these fucking allergies. Everyone all
over the world is complaining of having a
"really weird cold" that doesn't go away.
Hmmm no. It's allergies. Sorry to burst
your bubble. But in any event, there really
is nothing to cure allergies and it's totally
chapping my hide. Gosh darnit.

Its not like I can take vitamins for the damn thing to counteract the fucking tree pollen.

Oak and pine usually brings me down quickly, and I see neither around me here in nigh treeless Bayonne, so Cherry Blossoms? Shit.

As she said, chapping my hide and making me crankier than usual.
------------------
No phone.

I need to get in touch with recruiters and potential work.

Shit, shit, shit.

Because I now have neither, and because calling New York is regarded as a long distance call by Verizon (JUST ACROSS THE FUCKING RIVER) I have to trek to #^$%%#% Brooklyn to take care of business.

Poverty fucking blows.
----------------------
I'm reluctant to get my DL re-instated because of the costs and legal hassle I cant handle right now.

Thats why I live in a place with a world-class mass-transit system, so that I dont need to drive.

JT suggests I blow off poverty and come make six-figures for a company thats making madd money.

If anyone can get me in by sheer persuasion, he can.

In Florida.

You need to drive in Florida.

He understands.

I say, gotta be New York for now.

Fine, do they have offices here?

Yes. In *^&%$% central New Jersey to service the entire New York Metro area.

Where you need to drive.

Grr.

#%#*#^% californians think that a metro area is simply a metro area, and put their regional offices in the area.

They obviously cant fathom a place where MOST people dont drive.

New Yorkers would know better and put their offices somewhere IN, NEAR OR AROUND THE FUCKING CITY.

No wonder EMC and IBM is eating their lunch here.
-----------------------
Sometimes I know what I know.

A CPA in Bayonne that Eric often does business with desires to set up an office server.

He gives me some excellent tax advice free of charge, I figure I'll return the favor and spec him a proper workgroup server and walk away.

It's simple. All I'll do his give him the specifications, costs and vendors he'll need so he can make his own decisions.

I casually mention this to Eric, and his fucking ego gets threatened. Im treading on the turf of Mr Local Computer Guru of fucking Bayonne.

He wants 'us' to go discuss it with the guy. What the fuck, you idiot? Discuss WHAT? This doesnt even need to be a team effort.
Why?
He doesnt want me to show him up as the expert . And he wants me to share my expertise to keep him looking good.

No matter that HE comes to me with questions. And he is fucking clueless as to what it takes to design and run a reliable server and network.

This pisses me off.

Fine. Fuckit. I dont give a shit.

Fuck this, I dont need local grief.

This makes me appreciate I AM on a higher level and Im merely fucking around.

JT and Cris are right.
--------------------------
Fucking Microsoft.

For one reason or another, IE4 or 5 will NOT install on this machine.

It has to be their way or no way. That's why I didnt want to pursue the MS certifications. I didnt need to deal with this day in, day out on an enterprise level

Netscape and Opera will install, but Netscape, even with the latest versions, is shitty software, constantly crashing and unable to render things IE does with ease.. and Opera is NOT worth 35 bux if it cant handle the latest sites.

Now, coming from a background of having to support sites on widely different platforms, I know a well designed site assumes that EVERYONE is NOT running the same browser.

So why do motherfuckers design their sites that can ONLY be seen by IE?

Dont they WANT their sites to be seen?

Fucking retarded, no matter how you look at it.
-----------------------
A friend is pissed he got laid off in the latest round of dot-com panic

He blames another person for this, god knows why. That person wonders why Person #1 wont speak to him.

He sends me the vitriolic letter he intended to send #2, accusing him of undermining him with the higher ups, being an all round Judas and selling him out.

Jesus.

Theyre both acting like a buncha pussies.

Person #1 should suck it up. He was acting like a brat and made few friends upstairs, no matter how good he thought his political skills are.
And HE has had to lay off people himself.

Person #2 was indeed acting in his own self interests, and took the pieces of gold.

And hoped #1 wouldnt realize what he did.

Why am I in the middle of this fucking drama???

Fuck 'em.

I gots my own problems.
--------------------------------

No, Im not in a good mood.

And I got a fucking mouse in the apartment.

"I find romance
When I start to dance
In Booogie Won-der-laaand

(higher octave, quicker tempo)
I find romance
when I start to dance
In Boogie Wonderland..."

- Chorus to The Emotions' "Boogie Wonderland"

Im still humming this song, but now Im doing the backup parts of Earth, Wind and Fire - including their Wall of Horns.

When I left Jacksonville, I'd sold all my stereo equipment - and since then, havent replaced it.

Im partial to boomy Aiwa systems - but the new ones, like most personal stereos nowadays, are icky, *tacky* and cheaply made.
No-thank-you.

Now, in my decorating theme of spartan and stylish, I intend to be small and minimal in my electronics..

I figger I'll be buying used, classic chtuff.

However, lilbro sees my empty wall and asks if he could put a humungous entertainment center to store for him until he finds a place of his own.

*sigh*

That'll prolly take forever, New York being New York.

There goes my bookshelf space.

Of course Im not gonna refuse him - but that just fucks up my nesting theme.
-------------
Belle went on a nesting jag the other day.

Im in the same mood myself, so I had intense sympathy pains.

Ive got dreams of Corelle dishes, Corning Visions glass cookware, sealed masonry jars for my dry goods (rice, sugar, beans), a little herb garden, T-Fal pots, heavy duty woks, classic aluminum dutch pots, lightly stained classic wood furniture and chairs.. and thats just to start.

Basically, I want my place to be gay. :-)
-----------
Hm. I just saw my first mouse.

*sigh* Time to start putting away and sealing the foodstuff.

No Gabz, the meeces are not cute.

I may ask Rich to borrow Happy Cat from time to time.

I'll keep him hepped up on catnip if thats what it takes.

If it gets worse, Im getting a resident el bodega gato of my own to patrol.

*sigh* add to my shopping list - D*Con.....
---------

Like Rashid, I didnt like Mark the first time I met him while working at AOL.
Too tall, too arrogant, too handsome.
Like Rashid, over time, I found we were kindred spirits in a lotta ways.

Primarily, we are both determined to live our lives our own way, no matter the consequences.

He popped up on IM, havent seen him on in a long while

JPennant: YO MARK!!! Wassup, boss?
IO: naked dj
JPennant: nut :-)
IO: at unf for the art department
UNF = University of North Florida
JPennant: student, teaching, teching or modeling?
IO: how'r u?
JPennant: Oh, very broke, unemployed and happy.
IO: modeling... i'm much the same
JPennant: heheh
JPennant: hey, play to your strengths
IO: definitely so... been drumming and flying my kite a lot
JPennant: yeah, you gotta be who you are
JPennant: I just realized that my resume has gotten out of date. I need to overhaul it
IO: been ages since i did mine or sent it anywhere... life is so much more fun as such
JPennant: yeah, if i could find ways to pay the basics while doing that...
JPennant: just moved into a place.... cant figure out a way to pay the rent.. but Im here.
IO: few moments i must shower and head to unf for my next adventure as a naked spy
JPennant: LOL
JPennant: whats your current contact info. Im updating my database
IO: i'm between places.... pro tour couch surfer
IO: but i gotta new car
(He has grimly hung onto his 74 VW bus for years)
JPennant: oh cool! Wha kind?
IO: just look for the red ultra-pimp '59 T-bird
JPennant: you lie :-)
IO: got her on valentines day
JPennant: ummm.. aright. send me a picture :-)
IO: i'll take pictures sommetime
JPennant: righteous
IO: ULTRA-pimp even has fuzzy dice
IO: =)
JPennant: heehee
JPennant: whats your current email and IM?
IO: mark_*****@yahoo.com
****_smurf@yahoo.com
JPennant: okie
IO: rarely im... you're first this year i think
JPennant: hmmm.. aright. i'll keep this and myndgroov up then.
IO: phone is out at the moment, maybe back on later this week...
JPennant: so is mine
JPennant: but I'll track that
JPennant: aright pa.. I'll catch u on the upside :-)
IO: cool... i'm glad we could chat for a few
JPennant: yep :-)
IO: see ya soon Joe
JPennant: later mark
IO: :-D

Like my other Cappy friends, loyal and generous..

He has also turned me onto the most INTERESTING porn.. :-)
-------------------

A dream tonite:

Im in a Survivor type .. show.. I think.

Odd, since Ive never watched any of that crapp all the way past the first commercial.

A group of folk are given random amounts of money, and handicapped in various ways - and are supposed to survive, in various ways, in the remote but luxurious hideaways of celebrities.

The celebrities are a part of the game, hindering and helping the contestants they like or dont like.

The celebrities seem to be overly tanned former nebbishes, trying to act.. down to earth.. and managing to come off as affected toward the end.

I only remember Steven Spielberg and his wife - as I dont keep track of celebrities.

I manage to lose in the first game. Cause the rules were random and I couldnt keep track.

So I use my almighty power of owning my own dreams to get back into the game.

And do better. :-)

What was funny, toward the end of the dream, I walk in a hallway and bump into Barbra Streisand... and utter a pleasantry.

She stops, with a tray of hors d'ovres in her hands and snaps.. "Look, dont deal with me." And walks away.

Even in my dreams, she's a bitch. She cant get a break. :-)

I think i won the game.

I think I cheated. :-)
-----------

JettaGirl wrote:

my mom was walking behind me earlier
today and she said, "Your ass is looking
good!" hahaha What the FUCK!!!! Firstly,
my mom never says "Ass" and secondly,
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

Heheh. I know exactly how she feels.

Ma isnt usually free with compliments, although every time Im in Brooklyn nowadays, she comments on how Im slimming down...

Although back in the days when i lived in the weight room, she used to bitch and moan that my shoulders were far too wide. I was like "Where the *hell* is that coming from?"
That would irritate the living daylights outta me.

The other day I walked by her, she sighed and went "You used to have SUCH a nice butt."

I was like "WHOA!! What th' hell??"

She saw the look on my face, and innocently went "What? You did. Then you got fat and now its gone."

Then she sighed again.

Aquarian.

I dunno yo, my mother isnt serposed to be noticing that schtuff...
------------