Friday, November 07, 2003

Others

Other personal
favorites Im considering printing for exhibition





(I think Angeline and Poo suggested this too)













This.. Im sort of torn on showing. It seems almost too mundane, but I rilly like it.



And another 'maybe'



This, maybe not.. but its a personal fave.



If I did, I'd prolly lose the can of Bud in the background...



*squint* Hmmm.



Hehehe. Dare me. Double dare me...
--------
Who am I kiddin.. I miss having a camera in my hands.

If only for my mental stability, never mind staving off the boredom...

So, while Im being *cough* arg *cough* patient.. I dream, and dream some more...


Thursday, November 06, 2003

Willfully itinerant

People have often compared my wanderings and lifestyle to Jack Kerouac and his novel On the Road.

Ive never read it. Kinda proud of that fact too.

Why be influenced in my actions by someone else? Nah.

Me be me.

However, as the fates would have it.. I found a copy lying where I happened to camp out last night.

No kidding.

So, I guess I should read it...
----


I, Believe.

As someone pointed out to me, one of the cool thing about being in Berkeley, is that no matter who youre talking to here, from ditchdigger to governer, from housewife to homeless, you'll get good conversation.

So, as is my wont when I speak to the Sudanese security guard, I get good conversations on religion, spirituality and literature.

The subject was Faith last night.

What is faith?

Faith is belief.

No, faith is no mystery - but there are several components and steps to having faith.

Faith is.. trust.

Trust in what is.

Once one has trust, one can get to acceptance.

Acceptance is neccesary for belief.

Acceptance allows you to get to love.

Trust, acceptance, love, faith.

However, for one to believe - one has to trust and accept.

It is not mysterious, it is HARD.

Acceptance requires one to embrace and open themselves up to joy.. and suffering.

Thats scary.

Love requires acceptance.

Love allows faith to be transcendental.

Which is the point of having faith.
---------
It is hard for me to love.

It is hard for me to accept what is , as it is hard for me to trust.

I have good reason.

No one can tell me different.

However, I am now finding, if I want to get to where Im going.. Id better damn well get past myself and open myself up to love. To trust. Even to accept.

I'd better believe.

Otherwise, Im screwed.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Just now..

I dreamt I was in Hawaii. Blue waters, bright light.

Mmkay.

I was having fun, it seemed.

Funny, it seemed I was broke in the dream.

Thats not funny.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Annotations

Today's horrorscope
Youve been acting like you've awakened on the wrong side of the bed, have no fear. It's the fire in your belly that's making you cranky. You can turn this gnarled- up energy into good work.

Just be sure to clear plenty of space for yourself - you're like a bull in the china shop.

^ Yeah, the balls are rolling.

Im just antsy that due to lack of resources things arent moving fast enough..

I'll TRY to not bite anyone else's head off.
Your life is like a wheel - many areas need to be filled out for you to keep rolling along at a happy speed. But if it's all work and no play, or all play and no romantic commitment, the neglected areas of your personal life will scream for attention.

^ Dangit.

Me lone wolf. Why me gotta play kissyface NOW?

Dont need distractions.

I havent been able to talk to Le Girl in awhile, so having decided to be Mr Lets Not Drag This Out, Im more than ready to move on.

Usually, my tactic is to float a logic bomb so that I can detach from a situation, to make the other person decide to go.

Ergo, I sent an e-mail to LeGirl giving her a graceful out...

But no, she has to mess things up by being reasonable:

> i'm doing okay. just taking more time for me,
> myself
> and I, thats why i've been so distant.
> and i'm paranoid that i'm gonna fuck it up again...
> i'll see you around right?
>
> take care
> r***


And she wasnt the one being jealous and stupid.

Bah. Now I gotta be patient an' shit.

Hate that.

To profit from a new arrangement, you have to jump in with a full commitment. But you don't want to give up your freedom.
You'll be able to take advantage of financial opportunities when you feel better about where you're coming from. This is true both literally and spiritually.

Make small changes, and don't let up until you've accomplished what you set out to achieve.

^ Aright, aright.





Monday, November 03, 2003

Apropos of nuthin'

Perfessor, Undercover, The Journalist, FBI, Cha-Ching...

My new nickname is "Paper Man" as I appear each morning at The Hangout Spots with a minimum of 2 daily papers and the Wall Street Journal under my arm.

The guys then hand me a cup of steaming coffee, as they know Im ever so slightly cranky without it.

Last night I walked through the wind and cold with the LA Times and a loaf of challah bread under the arm (*pshaah* I dislike french bread and the other crusty crap they favor in this town, Im a sucker for egg breads).

(An aside: This town feels like Lady and the Tramp Land. I swear, if I see the guy delivering Italian bread in the mornings, he hands me a loaf gratis, all because I once said I love the smell coming from the delivery truck. Or the daily SF Chronicle or Oakland Tribune given to me the delivery drivers, who have gotten to know me. And in this town of gourmet eateries, Ive eaten very very well, as Ive gotten to know the natives who know me by name.

It pays to wander around and chat to people.

I said Im anti-social, but Im also quite sociable when I care to be.)


Anyway, as I walked past Au Coquelet, bread and paper under arm, with no intention of stopping, I glanced over and saw Mira who waved me on in.

Some people go to the coffee shop, conversate, study, play chess, read. She relaxes by making art. Heh.

She bought me coffee, lovely girl that she is (I owe her) and we sat back and complemented each other in business and pleasure.

Ive said more than once, that a primary reason for coming to Cali was to meet people. I have.

Some good, some bad, all interesting.

And so it goes.
---
MiraMira paid me a compliment, among the many that she does...

"Your pictures all seem to be about little things, but theyre not..."

Reminds me of that quote by Jon Karatt-Zinn
"The little things? The little moments? They arent little."

No, theyre not.



Saturday, November 01, 2003

How cold?
"We had summer on Tuesday, fall on Wednesday, winter on Thursday and snow on Friday..''


Now, I know this is because a LOT of people prayed long and hard for cooler weather and rain in the Southland (SoCal) to help with the fires.

And so it came to pass.

With the result that its cold as all getout elsewhere.

Helluva transition, said the natives, claiming theyve never seen such an abrupt change in weather in a place known for abrupt changes in weather.

I know, I know, I should be able to handle it - I grew up in Chicago.

Where it's warmer right now.



Friday, October 31, 2003

See?! See?!


Berkeley Today
--------------------------------
at: 4:52 pm PST

Currently:
50 º F

Feels Like: 37 º


------------------
Overheard all day

"Its fuckin' FREEZING!"

Aha! Now its so cold, we are in serious wind chill territory! Scarves, parkas and hoodies abound!

They cant deny that its cold here, huh? Huh?!

*grump* Fine, this 'victory' is phyrric at best, but still, this is a mighty fine cold snap we're having here. From 90 to 50 in one day.

PLUS wind chill!

Its COLD!

The Old-Timers werent shitting about how quickly winter would come around these parts.

*sigh* Although it is beautiful as the sun sets among cloud layers that look classically painted, bathing everything in a godly golden light, the denizens playing dress up (any excuse will do) to go out for halloween.

But did I mention how cold it is?

It feels like *Christmas*, I tells ya.


Yah, now lemme tell you about Chicago and The Hawk, and how closely this resembles both.

And bring Grampa some bourbon.. its freezing.
-------
A scream, then gasping, then ...

"Goot evenink. Your Berkeley Public Library is now closing.. *bruhahahaha*"

Heh.

Im starting to like this goofy little town.


Today's horrorscope
This is a quite wonderful time for you. So much is possible.

However, Saturn in your dominant sign is once again making you wonder if you really have what it takes to succeed, and if you let these negative thoughts take hold, you won't accomplish half as much as you should.

Keep telling yourself you're the best and the brightest - it's not far from the truth.

Whoo. Good.

I keep thinking Im not gonna do what Ive set out to do..

Of course, thas utter nonsense.

Ive come too far.

Thursday, October 30, 2003

A pet peeve


The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Yeah, but I like how Harvey Pekar put it in an American Splendor strip...
"I think I know the answer.

She had good intentions, but good intentions come cheap. It's easy to make promises, give assurances. Her execution was lousy, though.

A person with good intentions who promises things and is too lazy to come through is often more harmful than a malicious person. A malicious person is easier to spot. You can be on guard against him.

Plus, if he's interested enough in you to try to hurt you.. if you can convert him, maybe you'll have a friend..

They promise you things because they want to seem agreeable. They dont keep their promises because its too much trouble. They keep on breaking their word because theyre seldom penalized for it.

It's accepted behavior in our society, like being fashionably late for dinner."
- Harvey Pekar w/Robert Crumb, American Splendor comics

Hypocrisy disclaimer:

Ive done all of the above, Im sorry and I promise never to do it again.

Say that after me.

But the keen thing about writing that makes it better than arts and crafts at Bellevue..

"I was gonna write this jive woman a nasty letter, but a guy at work talked me out of it..

So I sublimated by writing this story... That's about what I can do when things bother me --

Write stories about them."



Wednesday, October 29, 2003

"You cant write about LSD if you havent tried it.

Of course, if you try it, how can anyone trust what you say?"

- Timothy Leary


"NO. You dont wanna do drugs. No, its not all that."
"Someone who is trying to kick the habit, said I should try it once.."
"No man... *heeeeeeeeeeeeeee*.. Ok ok, it is a lot of fun. But still.. DONT"

-------
"Problems? I have no problems with drugs. I have no problems finding them, buying them or using them."

I read somewhere today that users stay at the social age that they started using drugs.

I see that.





Winter weather

Winter weather, in Jamaica, happens around November, December, January.

Not much changes really, except that the temperature drops to the 60's and the wind gets real brisk (in the speed as well as temperature sense).

Sometimes, there is a hurricane or two.

In practical terms for me, it was sweater weather and kite-flying weather. An occasion to build bamboo and rice-paper kites (usually a hexagonal frame with a long stabilizing tail made of knotted strips of cloth, with a 'buzzer' strip). A winter tradition.

Flying your kite in stiff breezes, hundreds of feet high, running to get it aloft (sometimes hopping aboard my schwinn to get the necessary speed), our faces burning in the chill.

The stiff chill breezes that have returned to coastal california must be allaying the fears of the people afraid of a conflagration in the hills. They turned on the air-conditioning in their vehicles in celebration. (America, trust me, I didnt misquote. Dont ask me why.)

But for me, it brought back memories of sunny days, chilly weather and flying kites in the tropics.

Summer is over.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Indian summer sweats

I love this weather. Forest fires and earthquakes, the threat of them not-withstanding.

Hot days. Warm nights. You know, weather thats *normal*.

Give me three months of this, and Id like it here. But feh, it only lasts a short while.

"God, the heat is killing me."

These fog-house flowers wilt when the temperature gets above 80 degrees. America, laugh if you will, they do.

Weather that is normal elsewhere is aberrant here.

They like to think of this weather as "mediterranean", but when true mediterranean weather comes, they freak.

A warm, balmy night will have them in fucking histrionics, I swear.

*sigh* Its not gonna last.

Feh
----------
"Im leaving the Bay Area as soon as possible."
"Why did you decide to come to Berkeley?"
"I was tripping."
"Hahaha! Why do you say that?"
"I was tripping. I thought this would be a cool place to live. Now I know better. Im going back to America, where I know the rules."

Heh.

"Im going back to America, where I know the rules."

Hee. Great line.

Oh yeah... he's moving back to *Utah*.

Hee.



In a mood

"Joe.. everything awright?" they asked, backing me up.

"Fine", the lebanese guy, stood up and left.. our cordial relationship ended.

They had never heard me raise my voice before. I dont, usually.. but no one blamed me for this. The guy was being an ass.

Normally, I avoid displaying my temper - and in retrospect, I coulda handled it better. I thought.

"Nah" said my friend, "you were being way calm for a long while, so much so I walked away.. but then I heard you growl from all the way across the room, oh man.. I had to come back."

Ive had to growl at a few people the last week or so. I dont tolerate silly shit.. but I still try not to lose my cool.

I just need to be around people who dont piss me off.

Im not in the mood.
----------
Bah.

Daylight Savings Time is messing with my laying out in the grass in the park time.

Gah.

The sun is setting before my tootsies have time to get all warm and toasty.

Bah.

*sigh* Soon, the Cold and the Wet ('winter' in Bay parlance) will soon be here.

Bah.


Monday, October 27, 2003

The Bottom Line

"While I wrote in poverty, my Ph.D pals and Baccalaureate buddies were wearing J.Press suits and gargling with Tangueray Gin (or at least Beefeaters), while I was maintaining vital life signs in blue jeans, paisano wine and all the other good chemicals grown in sunny California.."
- Oliver Lange


----------

----------
There are only two ways to escape the system. One is to be super-rich, the other is to live economically enough that you dont need a lot to live.

Otherwise, we are naught but pods feeding the maw of the matrix.

The trick is to combine the two..
----------
"If youre a fool you may not want to make money. The whole notion of struggling and being poor to do art is a myth. I have desires in my life other than my art.

I think living well or living the way you wish breeds the best art. Being poor inhibits the making of art. Its simply not true that success makes artists less hungry and creative..."
Rodney Ripps, 1981


---------
Breakeven Formula

Find out your overhead expenses and gross margin

Your Gross Profit would be your Total Sales minus your Cost of Goods Sold (COGS) - or Cost of Sales for Services - and add your direct costs.
Gross Profit = Sales - COGS


Your Gross Margin would be your Gross Profit as a percentage of your Sales

Overhead

Add all OTHER expenses, indirect or fixed (rent, utilities, insurance, benefits, etc).

Breakeven Overhead = Gross Profit

Gross Margin = Gross Profit / Sales

Gross Profit = Sales X Gross Margin

Therefore

Your Overhead is Breakeven Sales X Gross Margin and your Breakeven Sales Figure is your Overhead divided by Gross Margin
--------

"But, at this stage of development you must have a plan.."
"I do"
"but youre supposed to settle down, have a place, take care of your family"
"That isnt my plan."


Ive started...


Saturday, October 25, 2003

Summer is here!

Berkeley Today at: 4:52 pm PDT
---------------------------------------------------------
Currently:
90º
Partly Cloudy
Hi: 92
Lo: 57


Whoo. Joy.

Of course, the natives are whingeing (thats word, cyn?) about how bloody and unbearably hot it is.

*pshaah*

Ive waited a whole bloody year for this. To walk around without a jacket at the ready.

But..

"Youre not a California native are you?"
"No ma'am."
"Well, weather like this at this time of year creeps us out.. this hot weather causes forest and wildfires, as the hills are dry."
"Oh."
"Also, this is what we call earthquake weather. Earthquakes tend to occur during this time of year in this type of weather."
"Really?"
"Yes. This type of weather wouldve been a blessing in August, but in October and November, makes us nervous."
"Oh."


Although, later StonerDude would snort at this and say:

"Maaan, if the Giants and the A's make the World Series, these people start worrying that the Big One is coming."

He isnt a native, natch.
------
The old man, when I asked how long he expected this warm spell to last replied..

"It could be a week, it could be four minutes.. you never know around here."

Heheh.

Friday, October 24, 2003

Talkin bout it

Horrorscope

Being flexible isn't usually your thing, but today it benefits you tremendously.
Love insists on doing it one way, not yours, so you'll have to decide if you'd rather be together or be right. Outsiders may misunderstand the dynamics of your relationship, but don't bother explaining.

Normally, Im fairly circumspect about the personal stuff - but Im writing this down...

Because I think I have to.
You need to put a partnership or relationship on a firmer footing, and the sun in Scorpio over the next few weeks will make it possible.
But it won't just happen out of the blue: The effort must come from you.
Make sure those you interact with on a one-to-one basis know what it is you think and feel.
Communication is the key to success.

Maybe this is another fear to confront?
---------
One of the most important rules of goal setting is to put them in writing.

Written goals are a tangible sign of a promise that you intend to keep. They can remind you of that promise when time is short and other priorities press in. They will also help you track your progress, make your accomplishments more obvious and help you identify problem areas that need more attention.

Sadly, only 5% of Americans write down goals and objectives, but 95% of those who do succeed.

------
"Hey. Hey."

I reluctantly opened my eyes against the sun and the green of the reflected grass and sky, came out of my inner world and prepared to be social.

"The photography coming along?"
"Non. The camera is busted."
"Is that a reason?"
"Huh?"
"Is that a reason to change what youre doing?"
"Nah, Im replacing the camera. I am a photographer."
"Good."


Id been thinking of getting around to writing down my affirmations (Make 5 mil a year! EVERY year! Win the Pulitzer! Get a Macarthur 'genius' grant! Make the NEA wonder who do they have to sleep with to get me to take their money and positions!) to make my dreams real, and at that moment, I decided..

"Its time."

So, I started writing, and then I stopped.

I couldnt put down all the things I wanted. I knew when you do it, it manifests and all the things that happen, good or bad, you have to deal with, come what may.

So, all I have written down is "Get my cameras in 3 months."

Thats it.

Nothing else.

Whats stopping me from writing down the other executive orders?

Fear?

Or do I have to think some more?
-----------

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Announcement at the Library

6:25pm Pacific

"Attention Berkeley library patrons, enthusiasts and sunsets lovers.

Outside the third, fourth and fifth floor west windows, there is a glorious view of todays sunset going on for the next few minutes. Please feel free to stop what youre doing and take a look.

Thank you."


Any wonder why this place is growing on me?




Going through my 'pics'

Other pics that are personal faves, but I wont be printing in 8x10...











Hmm.. well, maybe...



Maybe



















I just like the painterly quality of this one.. no one seems to agree.



Ditto here.



I shoulda started the tattoo project a long time ago.



But what do I know.. Im just the photographer. :-)
Today's horrorscope and other predictions
You want your freedom, but a nagging voice is saying no. Saturn holds you duty bound.

Arg.

No, its not money thats holding me back.
----------
Ah Poo, remind me never ever ever try to anticipate what you tell me.

Lets put it this way.. losing someone over jealousy? That it would be sad?

Right prediction, wrong woman.

Gah.
Romance requires a lighter touch. Rely on your natural attraction and don't feel you need to force things. Focus on a partner's strengths and they'll grow. The opposite is true, too, so don't point out a partner's weaknesses. There's no reason to argue tonight.

No, I'll try not to.

This one, it would indeed be sad.
----------

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Workin' it


Virgos
, often seemingly humble and generally circumspect in public, definitely have a strong streak of vanity and exhibitionism, although theyd be loath to openly admit to it.

(If you live with a Virgo, check out how often they pause to check themselves before a mirror... )

Mine comes out with the glow of pride I get when people admire my gear.

The cameras I had were all impressive looking, and I purred from the feedback I got from my shiny things.

But you gotta know your audience, and this is Berkeley, home of innumerable small presses, writers and frustrated writers.

Hoo-boy, the atention Ive been getting walking around, either reading or prominently displaying it from my backpack, The Publish It Yourself Handbook.

Heheh. Youd think I was carrying around nude posters from the whiplash reactions and questions I get about the book (although the nude poster would cause far less of a reaction, this being Berkeley after all), people talking about the books they want to publish.

Yep, Im in the right place.
--------------
"Well, we were living on this hilltop, and I was writing, and we were living this life that was frequently lovely, but also was often grim."

- Oliver Lange, "Kitchen Counter Publishing" from The Publish It Yourself Handbook


Marn, one of my literary heroes, wrote me today:
It seemed to me you were bottoming out there a bit,
Joe. Are you feeling better now?


The short public answer is, yes - yes I am. But probably not to the naked eye. :-)

As an ex put it, Im living a "sordid, nasty life" living poor and homeless (I forget nothing).

But, I chose this path, this life. And, as the man said, the life is frequently lovely (as hard as it is to believe), but often quite grim.

Ironically, thats life.

Now, this being Berkeley, there is an odd twist to this.

It seems Im earning a badge of honor.

Homeless in Berkeley.

Ive joined esteemed company here. Many, many people have this on their resume.

Lets list a few: Whoopi Goldberg, Tom Hanks, Timothy Leary, Jack Kerouac, Allen Ginsburg, Jay Ward (think Rocky, Bullwinkle, Boris and Natasha), Jessica Lange, Alice Walker, etc etc.

All were "Homeless in Berkeley", hands down the place to be if shipwrecked in California.

The list of people who have couch-surfed, "camped-out" or have had no definite address through Berkeley is simply mind-boggling.

Its a rite of passage.

Personally, Im not fond of this. Piss on holy poverty. I HATE being broke. Without computer. Without camera. Without cooking facilities. All of the above.

It sucks.

But, as I said - the payoff is turning out to be incredible.

My work is respected, and the people with connections are connecting me.

Plus other perks. :-)

My dreams are definitely unfolding to full length.

But, it aint easy.

No, you dont wanna be me, but I like this ride.
---------
By the way Marn, one of the pleasures I indulge in as often as I can (before the cold and rainy winter comes), is to lay out in the grass at the Park by Berkeley's city hall.

Yesterday, as I snoozed, not worried that anyone was gonna molest me, a pit bull puppy bit me on the chin.

Since this puppy knows me, he didnt break skin, as he was issuing a playful challenge, the little spaz.

I took the leash and walked the dog, - err, got pulled along, barefoot in the grass.

Then he lay by my side chewing on things that American Yellow-eyed Staffordshire Terriers like to chew on, as I read in the sun in the park on the grass, until his mommies came to pick him up.

Other people joined me until the sun faded over the Bay and Golden Gate Bridge.

No, not so bad.





Tuesday, October 21, 2003

"My name is Joe, and I dont technically qualify to be here. Yet."

I dont use drugs. I hardly ever drink.
Cuz, I have the personality. Im scared of diving off the deep end.
Im afraid I will LIKE it and never come back up.

My life-long reputation is that of a sober tee-totaler.

So, this isnt a trivial thing for me.

"That day when we talked, I was gonna go buy and use. Heavily. You saved me, man."
"I did?"
"Yeah, I was gonna go get fucked up THAT DAY, but you talked to me and told me I was fucking up and realize that its time to go into (a local Berkeley recovery program)."
"Wow. I didnt realize that."
"Yeah man, thank you."

"The irony about that is that..."
"What?"
"Remember I told you that this year, I set myself about learning to surrender?"
"Yeah, I remember."
"So, this year.. Ive surrendered to my fears, to love, to suffering.."
"Yeah?"
"Now, Im wondering if it isnt time to try some of those stuff that 98 percent of Californians indulge in."
"Why?"
"I dont know, something I may have to do to go beyond myself... Hell, Ive always wanted to know what those acid trips are LIKE."

"Oh. You know..."
"What?"
"As an artist, I highly recommend it."
"Ah shit. :-) "
-------------
"DONT."
"Hm?"
"Man, Ive tried pretty much everything.. it aint all that. Dont do it."
"Yeah. Still, when I was in South Florida.. and people were like.. 'man, ya gotta try things at least ONCE'. There's something to that. I think its the next step."
"No, dont do it."
"Hm, still..."
"Look, people around here RESPECT you because youre not like them. You dont indulge.. And if you did that, they would lose respect for you, big time."
"Yeah, my reputation. I know. Still.."
"No, Joe. Dont."


Surrendering aint easy.

Maybe I should just grow dreads, eh..


Yeah, thats it

From the NYTimes:
As Opposed to Numbness, Pain Is Good

New Yorkers did not shrug. They grieved for the 10 who died on the ferry, almost as if they all knew the victims personally.

"They got retraumatized, is what happened," said Phyllis Cohen, a Brooklyn psychologist. Sept. 11 is never far from from people's minds. "Each time something happens that is a reminder of the original event, even on a smaller scale, we get traumatized all over again,"

For sure, the calamity in the harbor is special for several reasons, including a "there but for the grace of God go I" factor. But no less important is the ferry's iconic status.

"Those symbols of our city are kind of embedded in our lives in a way that we treasure," Dr. Walton said. "Any damage or injury to them or around them adds to the grief that we feel.


Yeah.



Ah crap

Happy Birthday Nance.

I DID remember your birthday was coming, but due to my exposure to the California chemicals and advanced age - I didnt remember to double check my reminders.

Which happens to be on my dead hard drive, not my Yahoo reminder (which Im starting to suspect is munching my stuff.)

Ah well.

Happy Birthday dear.

Always good wishes, always thinking of a helluva person.

Monday, October 20, 2003

Growing on me



I like the way the man in line at the Au Coquelet coffeeshop put it.

"Im originally from Detroit, and I left Berkeley in 1992 and came back.

You see, Berkeley is a growing place. By that I mean, here in Berkeley, you dont have to fit in, you have room to be yourself.

Whenever you leave and go back to where you came or to other places, you find that youve grown outside the box, and from there on - you look for places where you dont have to fit inside a box.

So, you come back to Berkeley."


Yeah, its a growing place.

And Im growing in ways I didnt expect.



One of Kate's favorite pix...


Taken as we were walking from dinner at The Stinking Rose in North Beach..

Any others, hon?

-----

Offhand, some of MY favorites...









George and A. when they took me on my first trip to Au Coquelet..





















(Eh, so Im sentimental. Shoot me.)






Sunday, October 19, 2003

No fear

"What do you think is the one thing that holds people back.. laziness or fear?" Mira said.
"Fear, hands down." I replied.


I know what I want now.

Im not so afraid of the ambiguities anymore.
-------
In the park

"Whats your name?"
"Joe."
"Mine's Courtney, Joe."
"Right. You take care, Courtney..."
"I WILL see you again, Joe."


She smiled and walked off with her bicycle, her blond hair showing beneath her cholo rag.

I hear a chuckle behind me. Without turning around, I knew what it meant, as he had seen me and LeGirl laying in the grass and sunshine yesterday.

"Im a shy guy at heart, man."
"Uh-huh. Right. The white girls like you intellectual types.. "
"Oh lord, Im just minding my own business. Nuttin to get excited about.."
"Riight."


He chuckled again.

------------
"Have you seen a woman named Sandra, black female in her 40's?"
"No, although I think someone was asking about her earlier."
"Ok, someone who is concerned for her is looking for her. Thank you Joe"


For a second I thought I misheard the police officer, but no - she DID call me by my name.

I dont know any cops who know me by name. How the hell did she know mine ?

Berkeley/Oakland IS a small town, but someone else offered an explanation..

"Berkeley cops always have people undercover here getting information, figuring out who's selling dope. They know who you are for sure."

Wow.



Thursday, October 16, 2003

Shortz

Oh god.

You get to know people on the boat.

Again, more people gone.

Oh god.
----
"In three months, we've come a long way, made a lot of progress."
"Yeah, we are very different people than we were several months ago."
"Yes."


-------
These are the last straws.

My stuff was gone, and in a crystal flash... enough.

Im done with this.

It has truly sucked. Its been incredible. Ive changed in ways I anticpated but couldnt envision.

Ive met the people I came out here to meet.

I dont want to go through this again.

The payoff has been incredible.

But, enough.

Or as Le Girl put it:

"Now that youre done whining.."

It came in a flash

Wow.


For the first time in memory, I realized that I can relax.

I dont have to be a Virgo.

I can stop the analyzing, second-guessing, being on guard, take my foot off the brakes and leave the gas alone.

Whatever happens, will. Its not my turn to drive.

All I gotta do is enjoy the ride.

Its a nice feeling, lemme tell ya.

Finally.
-----
Cyn knows what I mean.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003


Hell wont freeze over after all

*sigh*

Ah well.
---------------
If he thought people hated him yesterday...

Brokenhearted Cubs fan apologizes for deflecting ball

'Truly sorry from the bottom of this Cubs fan's broken heart'


(excerpt)

Bartman apologized to Cubs fans everywhere, adding he was “truly sorry from the bottom of this Cubs fan’s broken heart.”

“I ask that Cub fans everywhere redirect the negative energy that has been vented towards my family, my friends, and myself into the usual positive support for our beloved team on their way to being National League champs,” Bartman said.


Angry broadcasters castigated him. A local newspaper found in a Web poll that thousands of people blamed him for playing a role in the Cubs’ loss. Even the governor weighed in.

“Nobody can justify any kind of threat to someone who does something stupid like reach for that ball,” Gov. Rod Blagojevich said.

In Florida, Gov. Jeb Bush said an offer of asylum to Bartman might be a good idea, and an oceanfront retreat in Pompano Beach offered him a free three-month stay if he needed to get out of Chicago
.


I think he should take that offer.



Preparing for the worst

or
Baseball is like life
or
Loving a drunken suspect
or
I WANT them to prove me wrong


"The Marlins are going to win tonight."
"What??? I thought you were a Cub fan."
"I am."
"Man, Im a diehard A's fan.. I would NEVER hope that my team is going to lose. I will always expect them to win."
"Me too. Florida is going to win."
"You mean you WANT your team to lose????"
"I didnt say that. You dont get it. Im a Cub fan. "
(Other person) "Ohh, I get what he's saying. He's using reverse psychology. He wants his team to win, but he's not going to say it."
"Exactly."
"No no no, that doesnt make any sense. Why would he want his favorite team to lose?? I would NEVER say that."
"YOUR team has won several World Series. Mine hasnt in 95 years. Generations of Cub fans have had their heart broken in innumerable ways, innumerable times.
I dont expect much anymore.."
"I cant believe you want your team to lose."
"I dont. But Florida is going to win..."
"Man, youre making no sense."


He obviously has never seen generations of grown men cry.


Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Feelings

Now
, LilBro is offering either:

- World Series Cubs and Yankees at Yankee Stadium (I never ask how he does these things)
or
- a laptop

(Aint NO way would we be able to get in a game at Wrigley, sheeyit.)

Im leaning toward the laptop. It'd be cheaper.

but more mercenary.

> I GUESS IT WOULD BE EITHER OF 2. COME SEE THE CUBS IN THE
> WORLD SERIES, CAUSE U KNOW THE WORLD IS GONNA END
> RIGHT AFTER ANYWAY


Heheh. Thats IF the Cubs make it.

--------
Sitting in front of the coffeeshop, late last night, in sequence

Talking to a Capricorn

"So, whadya think now youve met her?"
"Umm.. ahh, now that Ive seen her - hold on to her, man."
"What??? YOU were the one who told me I should let her be and concentrate on what I need to do!! Thats sensible advice!!"
"Uh, yeah. Well. Now that Ive met her, Ive changed my mind. Hold on to her."
"Why?"
"Just dont let her go."

-----
Talking to a Virgo

"So, Im torn. Im doing the virgo thing, you know.. being emotionally detached to keep myself from being hurt..."
"Yep, its sometimes a good thing to be."
"But earlier, she came by and said I seemed distant. I lied and said no no no no, I was just thinking. "
"Uh-huh."
"OF COURSE I was being distant! Im trying to protect myself."
"And sometimes, you can have something slip away by being that way.."
"Yeah."

--------
Talking about movies

"Oh, and Trainspotting. I liked that too, although it was full of drugs. I can deal with the drugs, but after awhile - the cocaine and the needles and the dying gets old."

I dont think I phrased it the exactly the way she said it, but I laughed out loud.

I dont know why, her humor just tickles me.

I dont think or analyze or fake it or go 'hrmm'.. I just laugh.

I think I laughed out loud when I first met her and she told me I'd warmed up her seat just the way she liked it...
--------
I saw an editorial cartoon this morning, where in a department store, the Devil is looking at sale prices on snowblowers as the caption reads..
"Just in case the Cubs and the Red Sox get to the World Series"


Heheh.

Here's hoping hell has at least a snowstorm...




Friday, October 10, 2003

Age-old patterns

"Why are you telling him the family secrets??? We dont know him!!"

- Inebriated woman on a late night bus objecting to someone telling me about the people in the East Bay



Every lunch hour, the seagulls congregate on the tall white tower of the Berkeley High School, above the park of Berkeley's City Hall.

Waiting.

As the waves of students head back in after lunch, they start taking off one by one, circling and then landing to partake of the food left behind by the teens...

Once the feeding frenzy is over, the gulls take off and assemble in formation, wheeling over the area once and then flapping as one out to sea.

They only do this on weekdays. And only on mid-days.

I used to think that the gulls had developed this in recently, but Ive come to realize that traditions run deep in this small town (Oakland/Berkeley). This has probably been going on for decades.

When I first got to Berkeley, the people I got to know where overwhelmingly of the Burning Man bohemian type.

They made me uncomfortable, frankly. They seemed to embody the hedonistic, anything goes mentality Id thought was the apparent ethos of the San Francisco area.

Their preoccupatioin seemed to be the searching out for parties and events, particularly group sex parties.

There was one anamoly that made me especially wary.

People of color and other ethnicities were strikingly under-represented in the group, even though the folk are seeming inclusionary.

The people Ive met over the summer however, are different.

Seemingly disparate at first glance and encounter, you find after awhile that they are CONNECTED to everyone. Of all different ethnicities, they almost all grew up together, hung out together and stayed in the area.

Guam, mexico, the phillipines, Indian, Korean, the South.. they knew each other.

And after awhile, the ties that bind seemed far more permanent than the flashy bohemians, most of whom were not FROM the area.

I like these people better.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Mini-envy
Ferris: It is a piece of shit! Don't worry about it, I don't even have a piece of shit! I have to envy yours.
Cameron: Oh, thanks.


You know Im jealous, right Clint? :-)