Hm

Back in the day, when I felt like this, I would prep the car, throw in an overnight bag, grab a coupla bux and take off for states unknown.

BART doesnt go that far.
-------
Today's horrorscope:

Your usual self-discipline is sort of an automatic thing.

Be more deliberate. Tell yourself to do it, then do it. Simple. Changing your life means changing your habits. Habit is stronger than logic. The terrific part about habits is that once you've made one, it's harder not to do it than it is to do it.

Be mindful about what habits you'd like to create in your life.

Hm.
-------
Images googled off my site today:

Funny, the frequency is increasing..

In fact, several people a day are looking at this one now, bumping off "granny in leather" and "woman/dog hailing cab" out of the top spots.

Yeah. This one is begging to be a postcard and poster.



(UK)




(Austria)




(Argentina)

In fact, I think that might have been taken by Anna as we were taking turns with the camera at a SoHo starbux.



(Southern Cal)



(UK)



(Erie, Pennsylvania)



(Austria)



(Bay Area)



(Vail, Colorado)



(Honduras)



(Los Angeles)



(Spain)



(Seattle/Everett)



(Oklahoma)



Hm.

DooWhatYooLike *

"Ok Katy, gimme a good reason to blow off my responsibilities today."

"Heh. Ok Joe, you have been working SO hard, you DESERVE a break from those crushing duties. Go ahead and take the day off."

"Heehee. Aright, one more time with passion - so I'll actually be convinced.."

"Actually, I think you should take care of that stuff today."

"Youre lousy at this game, dear. :-)"

So, I just blew off what I really didnt wanna do this morn. Eh.

Let' see how the day turns out, if my instinct is right.
-----------
Like my archetype, The Dragon.. I will get irritated at The Silly People and promptly throw a growly, flame-thrown snit fit.

And I wont give a flying @^#^@ *what* people will think.

Soon after, I will wonder if I didnt over-react a tad.

The relationship between me and LeGirl never got back on track after I threw one early in the relationship.

After the snit-fit, my rational side re-asserts itself, perspective is regained achieved, and I will appreciate there was NEVER a need to get that mad.

WHY I got mad is usually valid. But GETTING mad usually turns out to be .. stupid.

Yeah, but pure logic isnt always satisfying.

A snit fit often is.

Le Gold Medal du Cuppa Joe

When I cant have real caffienated coffee, Im a very, very grumpy cranky surly serious asshole.

Im ugly warmed over faking the *@#^#%@^ smile.

Sometimes even, as Marn put it:

I'd describe myself as death warmed over, but that would be a slur on corpses everywhere.

Heh, I hadda find a good way to use that quote Marn. ;-)

But, it aint so far from the truth.

Ever since Ive hit Berkeley, the natives have been boasting about their homegrown gourmet coffee place, Peet's.. legend has it inspired the founders of Starbux (I dunno if its something to be boastful about, but could just be me..).

Oh, and by the way they claimed.. its the best cuppa Joe you'll ever taste.

*pshaah* "Yeah, right" Ive said to myself for nigh over a year now.

Well, I just tried it for the first time, as one is down the block from where Im staying, and...

No, it aint the best cuppa Joe Ive ever tasted BUT... it gets me properly wired without being bitter or overly strong, while being industrial strength.

A Joe Pennant Gold Medal winner, even.

No, it doesnt make me pretty - but I dont have to growl to be unnerstood in the morning either.

Man, art supplies are expensive.

So, it is with a perverse sense of .. well, pleasure... that I walk around West Berkeley (mostly industrial, can be cheap.. shhh) and read artists flyers selling artists supplies they dont need.

Heh. Doesnt matter. I cant afford any of it either.

Not right now.
----------
On the corner of Sixth and University:

One has listed on his/her's extremely well-designed flyer - "flat file furniture, drafting table, art supplies, rock..."

A rock?

Thats why I busted out laughing at a busy street corner this morning. :-)

Because Im lazy

Images googled offa the site just today...



































Yar, mostly da usual suspects - but then this one popped up on someone's search.





Heh, all things considered - kinda made me smile.
----------
And unlike me, Bruddah Brian actually found Jamaican patties on the West Coast.

Ok fine, so he hadda go to Canada to find 'em.

I'll keep looking..

Buck up fella

He comes up to me, worrying. Worrying that he doesnt have enough money before he gets another check.

I find myself having no sympathy.

I can make a buck stretch like no one's business, and Im proud of this. Hey, Ive had years of practice now. :-) (Let's keep my coffee addiction out of this..)

He freaks if he has ONLY fifty bucks for the weekend. That he ONLY recieves 400 bux a week from unemployment.

I am now sick and tired of tactfully suggesting that he MIGHT have an advantage, that he can live well at this level.

He has no bills, and apart from coffee and cigarettes - no real expenses. He can make his money STRETCH.

And, gawd-amighty, he still whines.

Mira, on the other hand says things like "Do you KNOW what I could DO with 5 grand???? I could turn that around, put on a theatre production, market the hell out of it, DEFINITELY make my money back."

Mira doesnt whine.

She knows the value of money. Respects it.

I respect her.

This guy, on the other hand...

Eh.

Of course, I used to be like him.

I'd rather be like Mira.

Today, at our noonish coffee meetup

Me: "Yeah, Im sentimental about things like that. Dont tell nobody."
Mira, *sarcastic*: "Didnt know you were sentimental, Joe."

Heh. Of course she understands.....

Mira and I are good friends.. partly because we treat each other with a weird mixture of detachment and intense emotion. We also motivate each other for the same reason.

That's how we are. Our motivations are very similiar.

If Im doing something purely for myself, Im totally lackadaisical. If Im doing something for others, Im totally there.

This frustrates folk who know me.

Its frustrating for me too. Id rather do for myself.. but Im not built that way.

I have to have someone else to help make THEIR dreams come true, then Im motivated to move mountains.

Otherwise, I aint motivated.

And of course, being poverty stricken - people think Im helpless and NEED help.

Um, not really.

I just need to be motivated.. and its not their job.

It's mine.

So, all Mira asks of me is to help motivate her. As well as myself.

And that *is* what i need.

This means nothing to anyone but me...

I am craving black tea, imbued with a crapload of cream and sweetened.

Sorta like what my ma would force on me morning, noon & night growing up as well as in New York.

I had something like that the other night at one of Berkeley's many all-you-can eat Indian restaurants.

It tasted like home.

If home used to be a part of the British Empire.

Today's horrorscopes

Forget about yesterday and the day before that because all that matters now is today and tomorrow and the future you are going to create for yourself.

You must leave your cares and worries behind you and act as if you are starting afresh.

It's not so far from the truth.

You know.. it really isnt.

---

Love: You may roll your eyes on the subject of romance. Sure, you've had some duds, but you shouldn't let that scare you off completely.

Jump back in because only the cream of the crop comes out tonight.

*eye roll* Sounds like work. Again.
---

Activities of the monetary kind will be much on your mind today, but you would be wise not to let them take over your thinking completely.

You would also benefit from reminding yourself that in the greater scheme of things, the number of dollars you possess is of no importance.

There are only three things that matter: loving, laughing and learning.

Well yeah, but bright shiny things DO count for something, dont they? :-)

When in Rome, California....

"Do you meditate?"
"Not really, just breathing exercises."
"Well, you know the mantras that accompany meditation.."
"Sure."
"Ok, instead of repeating 'Nam Myoho Renge Kyo', use affirmations like 'I am strong, healthy, open to life'.. stuff like that."
"I'll try that."

Before I came to California, I woulda humored him and just considered him some misguided hippy.

Now I find myself willing to try this.

As well as other things.

-----------
Just about every day:

"Yeah, I saw you at Peets in West Berkeley the other day"

"I saw you at the library computers.."

"I saw you in Chinatown yesterday at that restaurant on the corner.."

"I saw you in East Oakland.."

As a kid, my father would put me through his version of the favorite son routine and take me with him as he made his social rounds.

Invariably, I was profoundly bored.

Being a Libran, no matter how antisocial they are.. are born schmoozers. They cant help it. Theyve gotta socialize.

Not us Virgos. We might like people, but if we prefer to be around people, we prefer close friends.

Unfortunately for pops, he has a Virgo son, and I despised this being around people for the sake of being around people.

Getting me to a party is torture.

To center ourselves (ask any virgo), at some point in the day we need space and solitude. Dont give us this, and we start feeling unbalanced and then become MORE surly than usual.

Where we get our "hard to get along with" reputation.

Dont force us into being more social than we're comfy with. Trust me on this.

Pops never gave up, but he let me be more and more as I grew older.

Here in Berkeley/Oakland, its rare that I go ANYWHERE without being recognized and have to be social. Shit, its getting to the point where I dont even know them, and they know me.

No lie.

This... should be considered a good thing I guess, for (and Im necessarily generalizing here) folk here dont instantly warm up to strangers as people drop in on the California scene and dont always behave.

With this influx, there is a wary screening process, even if folk seem outwardly accepting.

But once youre accepted, you realize that the bay area is truly a small town.

It seems like everybody knows you and there is prolly only 2 degrees of seperation between you and every other denizen of the bay.

On one hand... great folk.

On the other... the anonyminity that is easy to achieve in New York is sorely missed.
---------
Im wearing sandals.

Tevas. They say you can trek cross country in these things.

They seem sorta thin and flimsy little thing, resembling roman sandals.

Whoo, the looks are deceiving. They are comfortable AND tough.

Im loving it.

My feet are loving ME now.

I used to kinda snicker at people walking around in these things. Not anymore. I consider them the height of practicality. (Although I keep a pair of shoes and extra socks in the backpack for wet weather.)

Im also wearing fleece.

Man, Ive changed.

Bingo.

Walkabout

Randoms from the archives



























Mm.

As a kid, going 'walkabout', meaning to stray aimlessly away from home, was considered a bad thing.

Its a good way to see things tho...

Its never just about the money, honey

Today's horrorscope

Two schools of thought are at war inside your head today:

1) Identifying with material things is dangerous, since ownership will never truly make you happy; the satisfaction you desire can come only from within.

2) You need stuff. It's part of the way you express yourself. You live in the material world, so why fight it?

The fact you are having this struggle shows you've matured past the impulse-buying stage.

Afford yourself some credit.

Well, Im very focused on the flow of money my way, and identifying gear and resources I need.

In fact, Ive got folk offering to invest seed money.

Bless their hearts.

Naturally, Ive turned them down.

Therefore Ive been accused of having control and pride issues.

Heh, theyre absolutely right. But prolly not for the reasons they think.

It's just not what I need right now, thats all.

Long story short.. I have to take care of the hard stuff first, and not get distracted by the pursuit of instant gratification.

To be truthful, there is a stubborn part of me that wants the freedom of getting what I need on my own.

Yeah, I realize this seems like self-destructive and short-term thinking .. but its not. Ive learned this the hard way.

Naturally, people are slightly peeved at me for turning down all these things being offered. They want to see me achieve my dreams.

Thas aright. Im not about to eat shit forever.

It's all about boundaries, and yet about freedom.

And power.

Over there

Watching the morning weathercast

"Hm. Ive gotten used to this place when I think 55 degrees and fog is #*$^$^#* warm."
"Where would you rather be right now.... here or in New York?"
"I happen to like New York."

But not right now.

Yipes.

---
From the NYTimes: an excerpt from Mark Allen's, Going Home Again, in a Worried Mind's Eye

From Texas.. I moved to a New York whose outer surface turned out to be a reflection of what I had dreamed existed beneath.
Behind that mirror, the city I had gazed at from afar was systematically canceled out, year by year, life lesson by life lesson, by a more complicated beast than I had initially conceived of, or was even aware was possible.

Not that my fantasies hadn't been realized, for the most part.

Some say that everyday life in New York is just too complicated for the average person.

After a decade spent jostled inside Manhattan's erratic embrace, every surface here is stained with a memory for me. I can't look anywhere in New York without a poignant recollection. My thoughts surrounding every surface have blocked my view of the surfaces themselves. The physical and imagined intersections of New York now have become a perpetual rerun to me.

New York City is godlike in that to inhabit it is to accept its omnipresence in everything around you.

And long after you leave, everywhere else doesnt seem quite enough.

Briefly, thoughts.

The effects of food poisoning is strikingly similiar to that of influenza. Your body goes into shock as the toxins spread, and it enters into survival mode.

It was the lamb.

(Funny how people nod knowingly when I say that, hinting that lamb is one of the foods - along with fish and pork- where disaster is just a microbe away if not prepared and cooked properly . *pshaah* Them's the same people who would tuck in with gusto eating raw versions of all of the above..)

Still have a residual headache, weakness days later. And my digestive system is still quite picky about what and how much goes in.

So, Ive been out.

Transitioning to a new environment.

I realized that Im not overly bothered by new noises and sensations if Im just passing through or travelling. But if Im laying my head down somewhere I might be awhile, then Im acutely aware of everything unfamiliar, good or bad.

It takes awhile for body and psyche to adjust.

Im so used to seeing movies by myself, that it often comes as a shock to me that seeing a movie through somebody else's eyes can definitely alter the experience.

Big Fish is a chick flick, I realized, when Mira started sniffling at the appropriate moments. (No spoilers).

Until then, I was more focused on the story and how it was being told, rather than the emotional impact.

The men around me were cued in as to what the emotional moments when the multiple sniffling started.

Sometimes it helps to be told these things.

Some New York socialite dismissed Oakland after visiting by saying "There is no there, there."

Truthfully, I thought that too upon the first, third and tenth visits.

I got that tidbit after reading Ishmael Reed's "Blues City: A Walk Through Oakland", his treatise on a long maligned city.

His point, after living there for 30 years, a New Yorker himself - is that there is a WHOLE lot more to Oakland, but only if you appreciate its sensibility.

Yeah.

But, I realized something after a year of being here.

To truly get Oakland, take the cue of all the people you see walking around Oakland with headphones and walkmans playing..

Tune in.

Oakland has a soundtrack.

Oakland is ALL about music.

Play it in your head as you go around, and watch the place come alive.

Lamb jokes that are still being cracked, have me doubled over in laughter.

What happens afterward

Patterns, Im all about patterns.

(Analysis, it's a virgo sickness.)

Fr'instance, what happens AFTER mercury retrogrades.
When a cycle passes, the circle of people Im around has changed, as either Ive left a certain group or come into contact with another.

The transitions are often dramatic, usually in restrospect.

When I first got to the East Bay, I hung with folk enamored of the hedonist/Burning Man/hippie lifestyle.

That rapidly got old.

Since then Ive been around a wide range of Berkeley folk, most transitioning or on the low end of their luck.

Theyve been fucking amazing actually.

Now, I find myself transitioning again.

The good part of this pattern is that out of each period, I get to hang on to a few Good People, who stick around over the years.

In the long term, thats the best part.

You know youre feeling creatively stifled when..

You do a flyer for your business, and it excites you simply manipulating typefaces in Word.

Shitza. Ive sunken low.

Ive got CD's with 10's of thousands of professional fonts, but no vector illustration program or computer to Have Fun With It in.

Bah.

Still, its fun.. figuring out the right copy and typefaces that works. (I'll send you text of the copy later lissa.. I think you'd get a kick out of it.. ie: "Is your performance lacking?" heee. Marketing CAN be fun. :)

Now, Id much rather be taking pictures, but this is a means to that end, sooo..

Heh, as David Mamet said on living your dream " You should have nothing to fall back on, because if you do - you will."

Zactly right.

Its a good thing I often scribble down notes when I wake up, cuz right now Ive got nuthin.

Col Jessep: You want answers?
Lt Kaffee: I think I'm entitled.
Col Jessep: YOU WANT ANSWERS?
Lt Kaffee: I WANT THE TRUTH!
Col Jessep: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

- A Few Good Men

Little did I appreciate that in opening my mind and trying to 'fix' myself so as to move onwards and upwards, that I would be opening doors to my psyche ...

Lets just say Im having a bit of a hard time handling the truth. Rather, my brain is. Digesting.

The Truth, with more coming every minute.

Im also appreciating that sometimes we have to be ready before we have our mind expanded.

Quite disorienting, it is.

But, exhilerating. In a weird, "I-will-understand-things-later-but-right-now-I dont-know-exactly-what-to-make-of-it-all-but-its-all-for-the-best" way.

Yeah.

Spiritual, not religious. Agnostic, but believes in God.

"You know Joe, for a man who isnt particularly religious, youre a lot more Christian than a lot of Christians I know.."
"How do ya figure that?"
"With the path youre on and what youve given up, youre doing a lot more than a lot of the folk who go to church, most of whom would be DAMNED if they had to give up anything in life."
"Eh."

I took that as a compliment.
----------
The other day I sent an email to a bunch of people on the question of success. It prolly had more than 10 instances of the word "God" in it.

Im usually way more circumspect than send off a tome that is overtly religious. Not my style, and I didnt intend to piss off anyone.

I apologize.

I appreciated this when a former marine sergeant bluntly asked me not to send religious stuff like that to him.

Still, when I explained what it was about (Does one deserve success and Does chasing success causes you to stray from a path of living right), he actually gave me some cogent answers on those questions.

The marine said: "You have to respect success. For some, when it comes too early or they didnt have to suffer for it, they take it for granted. But most assuredly, one DOES deserve success - if they respect it."

Others took the time to reply on length...

From Kim Scott, singer and actress:

I agree. A spiritual life and success don't have to
be in conflict. As for me, I think we keep getting blessings (of some sort) but at some point, our blessings (or success) won't increase until we have
shown (God) that we're ready for the next level or for whatever next is.

It’s no different than passing students on to the next grade level when they have not acquired the skills or knowledge to be successful at that level.

I know you get my point.

Heh, yeah I get your point. :-)


From Tracy J.

In the end....you reap what you sow.
Do I deserve success is like saying do I deserve life?
Passion is life.
It moves, it breathes, it speaks. It loves you back.
It is the step before happiness.
And without passion you can not be truly happy.
Isn't happiness the ultimate payoff from success?
Isn't happiness what we are all after?

Yeah.

Amen.

Dream machine

I walked across the street past the building where you pay the parking tickets and saw It.

It.

Perfectly styled, rakish, practical. THE scooter of my dreams.

I've always had a yen for scooters, even with my aversion to motorcycles (riding, safety, splat issues).

A scooter is the perfect get around machine. I dream of having one small enough to navigate a crowded city like San Francisco, but with enough oomph to get up the hills and zoom across the bridges.

Where a motorcycle is too much and a bicycle, well where a bicycle is too much work.

Something that crosses the line between motoring and going walkabout.

Ive always kept an eye out for one that could carry a big guy like me, powerful enough to take to the highways, practical enough to go shopping with but small enough to handle the city.

This motorcycle-styled tidbit is it.

Time slowed down as I approached it, and I hollered to the brothers to check it out.

Men LIKE machinery. It like candy.

A crowd quickly gathered.

We spent much time looking at the Dream Machine.

Perfect.

A choice machine such as this would definitely need a "blip blip" alarm tho.. dangit.
----------
It fell to hand as if hewn to my form.

I twirled the camera into position, aimed, fired.

The photo salesmen all react in awe.

"You know way more about these cameras than we do!" they chorus.

I never keep the S602 or S7000 in my hand for too long. That would seem callow.

I always power down the machines and hand it back to them, surely, but gently.

For me, this is reinforcement of my intentions.

But, Im counting the days .. yessiree...

A Pissy mood

Yesterday, I was ready, nay - *eager*, to post some vitriol .. but was stopped by the blogger gods (I swear a "Nov 11th, we will be down for maintenance" sign came up as I unsuccesfully tried to rant spew), so I left it alone.

Eh. Just a end-of-merc retrograde freakout... taking everything and everyone far too personally.

A bunch of us Virgos were discussing it yesterday, remarking that "we", being mental *cough*, tend to be affected acutely during these periods, tending to get too emotional.

Sorta like Spock getting in touch with his emotional side and having a violent reaction.

Shoot, we even hugged each other as we parted. Definitely non-virgo behavior. ;-)

Anyways, it'll be over soon.

*looks at watch*
----------
Ive really been feeling out of sorts today, sorta disconnected, unable to focus... natch, my horrorscope concurs

This is an unusual day when you're feeling not quite yourself. It's just a sign that your mind is expanding to include new definitions of you. You require a bit more flexibility in order to feel creatively inspired.

"Man, Im just feeling overwhelmed today, like Im cant even think about the things I gotta do..."
"Why you gotta be negative?"
"Eh?"
"Look. Just tell yourself the things you will be doing with all the money you're gonna make."
"Heh, I knew there's a reason I keep you around."
--------
Like many others, he stopped, slowly looked at me and then asked

"Do you work for the city?"
"No.", I answered, not moving.
"Oh.", he answered and then put his hand out.

I didnt take it.

I turned to Curtis instead and asked..

"Do I REALLY look like a cop?"
"Actually, you do resemble a couple of Berkeley officers, your features and the pepper gray hair."
"What is it that makes me look like one?"
"Well, sometimes you just look like a really nice guy, then sometimes you have this authoritative look to you, that tells people 'Dont even THINK about asking me what direction is the wind blowing..'."
"Ah, okay."


That's the best explanation Ive heard so far.
-------
Meh. Maybe I just need to sleep the day off.

Condolences to my friend Angeline for the loss of her brother in the line of duty.

January 2nd, 7:30am sunrise...after the rainstorms...

"Yeah, this year is gonna be a great year."
"Whoa. Dude, look over *there*, a rainbow!"

And we all turned and looked upward to see a *massive* rainbow spanning from the Bay over the Berkeley Hills.

It lasted over 10 minutes as we oohed and ahhed.

It was so spectacular that it made the front pages of the SF Chronicle AND the Oakland Tribune the next day.

We took it as a sign.

Well, we hoped it was a sign.

Yer intestinal fortitude requires an adjustment

This morn, I walked to Berkeley Espresso, the place with the free wireless I used to spend hours at.

I took my coffee outside in the golden but chilled sun to enjoy the light and the air, reading while the coffee lasted.

A little ways through Kara Swisher's "There MUST Be A Pony In Here Somewhere", an account of my old employer, Steve Case and AOL, I had an epiphany.

It was for the first time in a very long time that Ive had this feeling.

I was untroubled not having a computer or online connection.

Not a whit.

Interesting.

And when I was done with my coffee, I closed the book and went on into the brilliant sunshine.

Does this mean I wont be buying more machinery? Not at all.

But it does make me ponder if I may not need to put limits upon my time upon a computer.

Years ago, I remember a party Kate threw and as she led me into the maw of the mix (she knows how anti-sociable I could be.. Ive improved over the years), she went "No No Joey, NO computers tonight" as she felt me resisting and heading to her Mac.

Maybe I should start limiting my computer life, make it a habit, to allow room for .... life.

Not carry a laptop around with me 24/7. Restrict my professional exposure to working hours and only when necessary.

This may be beneficial.

For nigh on 12 years, except for periods of unwilling and grudging computer deprivation, Ive never been away from one for more than hours at a time.

As Ive grown to not like watching a lot of TV, and liking the benefits (reading, getting out and about and going to sleep more), yeah, I think this might be necessary.

Its not gonna be easy tho....

Cuz, you know.. I must share.

Today's horroscope

Being right isn't a hangup for you like it is for so many other people. Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean it's written in stone - it can change at your whim for any reason. Let loved ones know that what doesn't change is your love - it's deep and certain.

JUST because Im usually on the grumpy side, people think Im ALWAYS gonna be like that, sheesh.

Being seemingly thrown into the chaos of a foreign situation is at once intimidating and exhilarating.
Accept your weaknesses and strengths - they are both part of who you are. Knowing yourself will help you build confidence to forge bonds with new people and have relationships, both personal and business, that reflect and uphold your values.

This might be a brash statement, but I feel like a VERY different person than I did on December 29th, 2003.

Really.

Moneymaking relies on your ability to first live within your means. While others struggle with the concept of personal responsibility, get the importance of building and maintaining your own life, not trying to live through someone else's experience.

Yeah, building my life.

As I said, it feels a whole lot different already.
--------
I GOTTA get this shit done....

.. is something I mutter to myself, on the hour, every hour to psyche myself up to get my motivation going.

"Did you notice how you said that?"
"How?"
"Like it's something to be endured, like the task is gonna be painful."
"No! Really? Holy shit, I didnt even realize it came out like that."

I didnt know. Ive been saying that a lot these last few days as Ive been discovering the reasons *why* for a whole buncha shit.

Which means I am changing a lot of my behavior to accomplish the things I am doing this year.

Whoo.

Feels like Freud is peeling my head back. Goodness.
------------

"Only a few years before (1957) the publicity surrounding On the Road, Kerouac had spent weeks of drunken dejection on various skid rows, scribbling poems in his notebook and living like a strung-out wino on pennies a day.

For him, it was the void that any artist fears, and it opened him to the vulnerability artists often need to discover a story."

Reading New York, John Tytell

With the camera and laptop dead, Ive been forced to focus on other things (hence the long and boring crap Im writing).

Of course, productivity can be measured in other ways.

Back in Bayonne, the extreme poverty, although painful, turned me in a direction that I havent looked back from. Even with the limitations, it was a quite productive time of my life.

Having to haunt the Bayonne Public Library was a life-changing experience. As is now chilling at the Berkeley Libraries.

Now, Im being forced to fill the void again, with activities I wouldve paid scant attention to if all tools were on hand.

It is all for the good, I know - but man, it is HARD to sound positive when Im oft-times gritting mah teeth.

The hard road is a productive road, but shit, the potholes can wreck ya in the process.

That's it. Just wanted to get that out.

Makes *me* feel better anyhoo.

After the storm

Beautiful.

After a storm in the Bay Area, at sunset (or sunrise) the clouds get painted with this otherworldly light at the tops, with the lower layers contrasting with hues of greys and blacks, the tops resembling everything from cotton candy to citadels of gold.

We've had a few storms the past week.

The cold clears the air, and the view takes away your breath.
--------
"The weather has been like Seattle lately.."
"How so?"
"This is the rainy season and it gets rainy and cold."
"This cold?"
"Nah, colder.. with ice and snow sometimes."
"Heh. Sounds like you dont WANT me to check out Seattle." :-)
"No, no.. go.. but.. the weather.."

Heh.

And the resolution is..

As usual, I come up with a resolution where I have myself lightly scratching my head wondering just how Im gonna accomplish it. Or if.

It always sounds slightly silly.

Here it is:

Make my dreams come true.

Not "TO make my dreams come true" but "MAKE my dreams come true."

Huh? Huh? Sounds obvious dont it?

Course it does. Cuz Ive been saying it for a long, long time.

People have encouraged me, prodded me, challenged me. Ive set goals, researched, gutted it out.

And yet... no.

Resolutions are about DOING. Results have to be tangible. No wishful thinking.

And it is never ever as easy as it looks, but always a lot simpler than I fear.

Of course.

So, thats what it is...

Make my dreams come true.

All of them.

No ifs ands or buts.

-----------

Yo Kate.

UPDATE.

Shitza.

I know I know, youre busy and youve got a lot going on.

I miss our

"Yo"
"Hey."
"How you doin'"
"Fine. You?"
"Hangin' in there."

..IM convo's

Except for that one period when I was pissed at you and we didnt talk fer months, we havent not been out of touch for years.

Im aiming to rectify that.

But in the meantime, UPDATE woman.

Gahd.

Brat. :-)

New Year, a Leap year

So again, Im stepping into the great unknown without a net or a plan B.

Taking that leap.

I coulda begged, connived and accepted help and favors to make it easier for me.

Nah, pride and knowing how much damage Good Intentions can cause - I have to decline. Learned my lessons the hard way.

It's far better to be self-sufficient, even though Mira keeps harping on me to learn to accept help. *feh*

Heh, intentional ignorance. The only way to do it.
------

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice.

- William Jenning Byant

What I learned this past year.

The resolution in 2003 was to surrender.

The result: I learned to Live, Love and Let Go.

Learned that I had to pay attention to my inner self. My spiritual world.

Could I have done all this in New York? No. I know now that I had to come to California, which has given me the room to *safely* take this path.

New York would have killed me.

So I learned how to live, to relax and let life be what it is. Accupuncture helped. :-)

I learned to love more directly and not let my fears stop me from chancing it. Doesnt mean I have to abandon my common sense, but fear.. no.

I also learned to love folk on a more basic level, to let them in even when I aint feelin it. Although again, no abandoning of common sense.

And to let go. And although letting go as in moving on is a part of it.. it also means learning to let go on a more basic level. To let go of myself. To learn to be still. To not let doubt be as much a factor. To trust in what is.

In fact, its perfectly encapsulated in this old Indian saying/prayer:

Teach us to care, and not to care.

Teach us to sit still

Man, zen kicks ass dont it? :-)
-----
Zo, the year-end review (based on the questions I asked at the end of 2001):

Do you feel the past year has been a waste

Whoo, no. NOW Im understanding the reasons I moved out here.

In the middle of the year, yeah, I felt bitter at the chances I passed up to move on and up.. but now, no.. I had to work on myself.

So, the entire year did NOT suck

Of course not.

Been a year of growth.

Never assume because...

Excerpt from my birth chart

For you, probably the most important aspects of a relationship are integrity and security. You will persevere through many trials in order to make an affair work out, as long as you feel that your partner is equally committed.

Your preference is for straightforward simplicity in a relationship. You want your partner to tell you the truth at all times so you know right where you stand. In return, you are scrupulously honest with your lover, even when it hurts.

It applies to friends AND lovers.

This is why I ALWAYS give these instructions: "Tell me what's up, even if I might not like it, I wont trip. Just tell me."

Heh. Maybe I simply give 'em too much credit, cuz invariably I will getsilence, then the truth much later with much drama.

Oy I HATE that.

So I have to be pre-emptive when I see the signs. Cuz if I dont know whats up, I have to assume the worst.

Oy I HATE that.

The ones who tell me whats up stay my friends for a long long long time. Cuz loyalty is a big deal for me. No, I dont need to know everything or even the whole truth.. just tell me whats goin on. Really, thats it.

Instead, my defensive mechanisms have to kick in and then I have to treat people like idiots and drunken suspects.

Did I mention that I hate doing that too?

The result for those is that I stay friends with the ones that treat me like I have sense.

With the others, I have to assume everything is never on the up and up and I wont trust for years. If ever.

Years. It takes that long for me to relax.

So this segues into another little pet peeve.

Talk to me. Not oblique messages, not play on words, talk *directly* to me. If I want you out of my life, I would have left NO open channels of communication.

I will always leave one open, so that someone can always be able to talk to me.

Otherwise, I just assume the message is not for me and ignore you. As its not my problem or business then.

Yeah, I know - that "like it or lump it" attitude doesnt please everyone, but shit.

Its all about respect.

It goes both ways.

--------
And then, sometimes...

It's not worth caring about.

`At 15, I had my mind bent on learning. At 30, I stood firm. At 40, I had no doubts. At 50, I knew the decrees of Heaven. At 60, my ear was an obedient organ for the reception of truth. At 70, I could follow what my heart desired, without transgressing what was right."

- Confucious

AM I happy?

*sigh*

Yes.

Not where I'd like to be, but where Im supposed to be.

I am alone with many many friends and acquaintances spread all over the world.
The poseurs get weeded out and the real ones stick around, as it should be.

DO I wish I were wealthy and healthy and not having to endure?

Yes.

Am I slightly afraid that when I move on from this tour of character building, I'll lose a lot of good things?

Yes.

More than folk who think Im down and out could ever know.

And I give thanks.

But...

I have to move up, and it's time to move on.

Next year, the resolution is to get everything going.

Cuz its time.
---
daQueen looked at me in my wool beanie cap sticking far up my head, in the bright red North Face coat, and said smiling..

"You look like Frosty the snowman."

Hee.

I serpose I do at that.

Figgypudding. ;-)