Saturday, November 16, 2002

Yesterday's horrorscope

Because your rising sign is ruled by the moon, your desires go through phases and the phase you are going through now is one in which you are desperate to succeed on the material level.

Yeah, so that I can have a place to live...
Just be careful you don't go making promises that a few days later you might regret.


(Yesterday afternoon)
"If we hire you at this ridiculously low wage that wouldnt support a rabbit living in a dumpster, would you stick around for the long term?"

"Uhh, yes. Absolutely."
You should know by now that there is more to life than making money.

Bugger me.

Friday, November 15, 2002

"Smile. It Could be Worse."
* Seen on a panhandlers sign in Berkeley

I cant remember the quote exactly, but I understood it implicitly the moment I heard it.
It was written by a WWII bomber pilot describing how he and his mates dealt with flying into the face of certain death over and over and over.
You get past the point of hysteria, where the tension has stretched beyond the point of screaming, and all that is left is calm..

"..stretched beyond the point of screaming.."
I dont get mad anymore. I dont flip out, scream, throw things or yell.
Sure, my blood pressure goes up, I get stressed, I worry - but mad?


I recognized I had gotten to this state of being somewhere on the cross-country bus ride, after dealing with one thing after another and another.

I think I relished the realization, that I simply had to face everything and just deal.

When I start getting to the point of being mad at someone or something, logic kicks in and I switch the channel to calm down.

Heh. More Jedi mind trix.

Power is indeed within.
The past 3 years have stretched me out past the point of hysteria pretty good as my adult fears have been realized.

When I became an adult:
Didnt want to pursue being a writer, because life in the garret of poverty didnt appeal to me.
Didnt wanna be a photograper, because that condemns one to a wretched life of toil for little reward.

Abject poverty. Scorn. Toil for no immediate reward.
Check, check, check, check.

No point in getting mad. Ive chosen all this.

So, I hardly get mad.
Successful people have rage inside of them. To be successful you need that inner rage.

Im starting to wonder if being this calm isnt somewhat detrimental.

One needs a bit of rage for motivation, and there are things Im doing that demonstrate Im not doing all that I should for myself.
Because Im being calm, and thinking things will all work out.

Or is it another, deep hurdle within myself that I need to clear to get to the next level?

He told me several times that he didn't like my kind
'Cause I was a bit 2 leisurely
Seems that I was busy doing something close 2 nothing
But different than the day before

- Prince
Raspberry Beret

Ive been told over and over, that Im the lackadaisical sort, unwilling to get moving until the last minute.

Am I the driven sort?
No. Money, sex and fear hardly motivates me, to the frustration of all.

That what *does* motivate me, is it enough?

Is merely dealing enough?

Or am I asking the wrong questions at the wrong time?
Ive learned more in this past year or two than I have in all the previous five combined.

And yet, I feel as If I have not even begun the apprenticeship.

Heh. Reminds me of what the Sicilian Ladies said to me on the 37th birthday..

"Ach. Youre a young man, still got a long way to go."

Thursday, November 14, 2002

Hack the Mac

Lo, those many years ago I got a soft spot for Mac. Not because they were particularly friendly or almighty easy to use - but because its modular nature allowed da geeks to *cough* circumvent Many Many rules and restrictions.

A little creativity and you can get things running on a wing and a prayer.

Or in this case, a zip disk.

Going back to those days of hacking the mac - with the loan of Fred's zip drive, and a bit of trial and error, Ive got the laptop working.

Its booting off a zip disk, bypassing the dead hard drive.

I cant claim that it all works flawlessly, but it works. Ive got connectivity.

At a 100 megs worth of space (technically less than 96.4 megs), aint a whole hell of a lot I can do.. run a browser and my wireless card, eh - but I dont feel as shackled as I did this past week.

A feeling of independence.

I want, I want, I want

Sometimes, its a whiff, or a glimpse, or a sound.. which will bring on a keen feeling of desire.

For me right now - its the want of a place in a place.

The sight of the funkiness of the Mission in SF, or rolling down Telegraph Avenue through Oakland to Berkeley...

It kinda speaks to me.

I want to be there now. Funds be damned.

But I know how it works - its not all on my timetable.