Saturday, January 17, 2004


Randoms from the archives


As a kid, going 'walkabout', meaning to stray aimlessly away from home, was considered a bad thing.

Its a good way to see things tho...

Friday, January 16, 2004

Its never just about the money, honey

Today's horrorscope

Two schools of thought are at war inside your head today:

1) Identifying with material things is dangerous, since ownership will never truly make you happy; the satisfaction you desire can come only from within.

2) You need stuff. It's part of the way you express yourself. You live in the material world, so why fight it?

The fact you are having this struggle shows you've matured past the impulse-buying stage.

Afford yourself some credit.

Well, Im very focused on the flow of money my way, and identifying gear and resources I need.

In fact, Ive got folk offering to invest seed money.

Bless their hearts.

Naturally, Ive turned them down.

Therefore Ive been accused of having control and pride issues.

Heh, theyre absolutely right. But prolly not for the reasons they think.

It's just not what I need right now, thats all.

Long story short.. I have to take care of the hard stuff first, and not get distracted by the pursuit of instant gratification.

To be truthful, there is a stubborn part of me that wants the freedom of getting what I need on my own.

Yeah, I realize this seems like self-destructive and short-term thinking .. but its not. Ive learned this the hard way.

Naturally, people are slightly peeved at me for turning down all these things being offered. They want to see me achieve my dreams.

Thas aright. Im not about to eat shit forever.

It's all about boundaries, and yet about freedom.

And power.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Over there

Watching the morning weathercast

"Hm. Ive gotten used to this place when I think 55 degrees and fog is #*$^$^#* warm."
"Where would you rather be right now.... here or in New York?"
"I happen to like New York."

But not right now.


From the NYTimes: an excerpt from Mark Allen's, Going Home Again, in a Worried Mind's Eye
From Texas.. I moved to a New York whose outer surface turned out to be a reflection of what I had dreamed existed beneath.
Behind that mirror, the city I had gazed at from afar was systematically canceled out, year by year, life lesson by life lesson, by a more complicated beast than I had initially conceived of, or was even aware was possible.

Not that my fantasies hadn't been realized, for the most part.

Some say that everyday life in New York is just too complicated for the average person.

After a decade spent jostled inside Manhattan's erratic embrace, every surface here is stained with a memory for me. I can't look anywhere in New York without a poignant recollection. My thoughts surrounding every surface have blocked my view of the surfaces themselves. The physical and imagined intersections of New York now have become a perpetual rerun to me.

New York City is godlike in that to inhabit it is to accept its omnipresence in everything around you.

And long after you leave, everywhere else doesnt seem quite enough.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Briefly, thoughts.

  • The effects of food poisoning is strikingly similiar to that of influenza. Your body goes into shock as the toxins spread, and it enters into survival mode.

    It was the lamb.

    (Funny how people nod knowingly when I say that, hinting that lamb is one of the foods - along with fish and pork- where disaster is just a microbe away if not prepared and cooked properly . *pshaah* Them's the same people who would tuck in with gusto eating raw versions of all of the above..)

    Still have a residual headache, weakness days later. And my digestive system is still quite picky about what and how much goes in.

    So, Ive been out.

  • Transitioning to a new environment.

    I realized that Im not overly bothered by new noises and sensations if Im just passing through or travelling. But if Im laying my head down somewhere I might be awhile, then Im acutely aware of everything unfamiliar, good or bad.

    It takes awhile for body and psyche to adjust.

  • Im so used to seeing movies by myself, that it often comes as a shock to me that seeing a movie through somebody else's eyes can definitely alter the experience.

    Big Fish is a chick flick, I realized, when Mira started sniffling at the appropriate moments. (No spoilers).

    Until then, I was more focused on the story and how it was being told, rather than the emotional impact.

    The men around me were cued in as to what the emotional moments when the multiple sniffling started.

    Sometimes it helps to be told these things.

  • Some New York socialite dismissed Oakland after visiting by saying "There is no there, there."

    Truthfully, I thought that too upon the first, third and tenth visits.

    I got that tidbit after reading Ishmael Reed's "Blues City: A Walk Through Oakland", his treatise on a long maligned city.

    His point, after living there for 30 years, a New Yorker himself - is that there is a WHOLE lot more to Oakland, but only if you appreciate its sensibility.


    But, I realized something after a year of being here.

    To truly get Oakland, take the cue of all the people you see walking around Oakland with headphones and walkmans playing..

    Tune in.

    Oakland has a soundtrack.

    Oakland is ALL about music.

    Play it in your head as you go around, and watch the place come alive.

  • Lamb jokes that are still being cracked, have me doubled over in laughter.