Talking about a mutual acquaintance:
Him: She's an odd duck sometimes... a nice person, but seems so detached sometimes.
Me: Well, that's primarily because she's a Virgo. I kinda get it with her. We even share the same birthday.
Him: She is? You do? Ohhh...
Me: Yep. What youre seeing is someone who needs to keep their emotions under control. Think of ANY Virgo you know personally, including me... and you will see us walk around with basically one expression on our faces...
Him: Oh yeah.. you and T do that too.. but youre all cool people.
Me: Yeah, cuz youve known us for awhile, you know it doesnt mean anything.
Him: Yeah, thats true, cuz I'll talk about her favorite music, and she like switches on and engages.. and its like she comes to life.
This last week, I have barely been able to THINK my way past the issues.
Yesterday, at noon.. I went to just walk around the block. I had a feeling I wouldnt be back for awhile, but I didnt get back home til 10.
Heh. My issues arent diddly as I sat over the Cappy's house, and watched her deal with her kids, the most important thing in her life, her ultra-jealous boyfriend calling umpteen times, her sister home from the military for a quick visit, her family, a wet bunny, a hyperactive kid etc etc.
The normally bouncy woman was drained, and she STILL made me feel like an honored guest.
She deserved the only comfort I could give her, a massage.
Eh. Least I could do.
Gotta give her a lot of props... because I woulda disengaged from all that nonsense a long time go.
Walking home, I wondered if I could be an observer and stay disengaged from it all.
It usually works, and its safer.
But is it always the place to be?
gaaah. I cant seem to THINK for some reason.
Saturday, June 16, 2001
Talking about a mutual acquaintance:
Thursday, June 14, 2001
"Oh shit... youre NOT supposed to be able to launch that high up, you fuck.."
A surprise incoming attack from Clan Wolf had started, seven to 1 odds, and I was straining to track the massive, eerily-humanlike Summoner mech who was now well past his supposed 180 meter ceiling and sailing in fast at me. Too fast and too high for a clear shot at him.
His job? To take me out.
And I was on the wrong side of the odds count.
Grr. Fuckit. I dont have time for this.
I wheeled my Clan Jade Falcon TimberWolf 90 degrees to the right and slammed the throttle to full speed, 75 tons of armor and armament responding with surprising alacrity for something so tall and heavy, sprinting out of my firebase on this cold god-forsaken world..
I had some surprises up MY sleeve too.
Standard attack tactics meant there HAD to be some assault mechs somewhere on my perimeter, powered down to avoid sensor detection.
Shit, instinct and hunches are just as good.
This is like chess. Its all about time and distance and taking care of business by any means necessary.
Sure enough - there they were. Two Jenner IIc assault mechs, 1 kilometer away, powered down and hiding behind the mountains. They may be old fashioned, but ungodly fast, lethal, agile and a BITCH to deal with when warmed up and frisky.
I needed to take out this litter of Clan Wolf pups, before I had my hands full dealing with swarming, fire-spitting mechs.
Improve those odds.
*ALLfire.. ENGAGED* the throaty voice of my mech computer informed me as I selected my weapons to fire all at once. "Thanks sweetie", I muttered, slowing the TimberWolf to sight both Mechs at once, still standing there and now only 100 meters away.
*BOOM* *BAM*.. my mech lurched and shuddered as my old friend joined the party, trying to encourage me to leave his pals alone and come dance with him. Shit, this asshole was spoiling my aim.
Dont worry, I'll be with YOU in a minute.
I took a breath, relaxed and fired.
*Enemy mech.. DESTROYED. Enemy mech.. DESTROYED.* Damn. My computer could be a cold-hearted wench sometimes, as she announced the immolation of both Jenner pilots. Yes, there were human beings inside those things.
"Yeah, Death is *your* birthright." I spat. I think a eulogy was proper.
*BAM* *CRASH*... Ok, now he's just pissing me off. You want my attention THAT badly, you afterbirth of a cur? I wheeled to the rear to meet him and kicked back up to full speed, my TimberWolf's stride lengthening to give me wings.
Seeing me coming toward him, the Summoner wheeled and reversed direction. Nah, Clan Wolf pilots arent cowards. He wanted to lure me away from the upcoming main attack and then engage me one-on-one.
Heheh. Ive got other plans. Watch this, freebirth.
I lit the afterburners, and without breaking stride, my jump jets kicked my speed to all-mighty, the HUD velocity meter spinning digits as I closed in on the back of the huge Summoner at near-warp.
He didnt expect it, and died ignorant as I shot him in the back at point blank.
I didnt have time to stop and chat with his pieces, the remnants of the Summoner spiralling and bouncing high all over the snow-covered mountains.
I hit the jump jets and launched over the rocks between me and my base, in time to see the other Jenners and Summoners dropping from the assault ships and another set closing in fast over the horizon.
"TIMBERWOLVES DONT HAVE JUMP JETS!!" the female voice of the covering Summoner screamed over the open comm, as I dropped in front of the vanguard of the main attack force...
"Yes, ma'am. But mine does. Surprise." I answered.
Welcome to the party assholes. Yippi Ki-yay.
Heheh. And this is the old copy of the MechWarrior2 demo Im playing on my crap laptop.
Who sez old things are useless. :-)
How do YOU pass the time?
"Listen" I said self-righteously to someone who said she didnt get it with men, "dont just hear and then jump to judgements when a man talks..listen. Listen before he gives up and starts telling you what you want to hear. He is usually telling you everything you need to know."
Which is true.
The other day I kept saying..
"Youre an incredible woman.. and smarter than most folk I know. Yes, maybe even smarter than me."
"Audrey Hepburn's eyes?? You want Audrey Hepburn's eyes? Youve gotta be kidding. Good god woman - youve got YOUR eyes... Audrey Hepburn would KILL to have yours.."
"Youve gotta think cocky. When you talk, you KNOW you can back the shit up. Act as if youre the BADDEST mofo on the planet..."
Which is all true. Nothing she hasnt heard before either.
But I was puzzled, and slightly concerned that she needed to hear all that which is patently obvious.. broke my heart to see the doubt and frustration in her eyes.
So, I asked a Woman of Maturity and Wisdom to tell me why.
Why will some women crave and abandon responsibility for almost all they know to be true and right.. just for that deep need for attention and approval? Why is blame all laid on the altar of 'self-esteem'?
I get it and yet, I dont get it.
So, she told me a story.. and I listened. She told me other stories.
And I tried to listen. And hear.
Today. I was cranky this morning, but that is completely related to the fact that I am a girl who has a lot of hormones.
I also realized this morning on the way in, that I totally was playing (a) girl last night when the (friends) came over for to take my air conditioner away. Meaning. I was all like "ohhhhh socket wrench set? Whatever do you mean???"
Yeah. I KNOW. So bizarre. Do you ever do that? Just stand back and watch yourself doing things like that. I was screaming at myself the whole time going... YOU KNOW HOW TO FIX AIR CONDITIONERS FOR GOD'S SAKE QUIT ACTING STUPID.
As The Really Good Friend would say... I have been trained well by the patriarchy.
That happens sometimes.
I'm working on it.
Next time I'll try not to go 'shh' when Im trying to hear....
I think its a general malaise, a mecury retro thing. My brain is fuzzy, and I cant organize a coherent process long enuff to finish all the emails I need to answer, let alone write.
As gg so eloquently put it...
my mind feels like scrambled porn trying to piece together a coherent picture. the house is built, but the occupant is in a coma. the highway is expanded, but the driver is lost. the runway is dazzling, but the supermodel has tripped.
So. I promise I will answer my mails. Yes. Really.
Now, where did I put that pen.
What? EMAILS... oh right, I wont need a pen... he he he.
I knew that.
Sticky, muggy weather is here.
And me, Mr Long Hot Showers... is waiting around for the plumber to come replace this &%*$^(^ water heater.
The silver lining, apparently, is that I will have all new appliances when all this is done.
Im lucky, sez the super.
Yeah? Come smell my arm....
Tuesday, June 12, 2001
JPennant: heheh. I can even tell you the exact date the last time a woman loudly propositioned me :-)
JPennant: It was in toronto
JPennant: I was walking down the street with my fiance and friends
JPennant: Aug 10,1989
JPennant: A woman leaned out her car window and said... "Can he come home with me??"
k12: and your fiance's response?
JPennant: Marsha nearly died laughing :-)
JPennant: I always wondered if I wouldve been happy with her.
k12: what happened?
JPennant: it was actually the trip back home to chicago, coupla days later
JPennant: I smelled the perfume she always wore, Obsession, looked over at her, remembered all the silly stuff, the lies and whatnot.
JPennant: and I realized I was dead certain when I thought to myself.. "I cannot live the *rest of my life* with this brat"
JPennant: exact words.
JPennant: the primary silly stuff?
JPennant: nah, I wont even get into that
JPennant: I just feel like an ass tho
JPennant: because now... 12 years later
JPennant: All I really remember was how I felt..when she'd come up to me and say "Hey love"
JPennant: An endearment I'll always hold dear, primarily because no other woman has ever said that to me.
JPennant: But I did need to grow up. I didnt need to be married.
k12: we like to hold to good memories close
JPennant: I knew then, and I know now... it woulda been a horrible mistake....
JPennant: If I didnt do it then, kids woulda been involved.
The last time I spoke to her, she had gotten my number in Florida.
We spoke, we laughed as easily as we always did - because we'd been friends for years.
She had gotten married, to a Joe in fact, a house in burbs, two kids.
Even now I still care for her. I wouldnt have gotten engaged if I didnt. The only woman I ever got engaged to.
I heard later that she might have gotten seperated, or divorced. Likely for the same reasons I walked away.
I didnt ask.
Yeah, I still remember the reasons, but funny how time puts some of the bad things out of your mind.
I always thought its wise to forgive, but never ever forget.
But now, do I really need to remember the things I swore I would never forget?
I wanna see how she's doing.
Item on Bloomberg Radio news...
Business at plastic surgeons has been down 20% this year, the first drop since 1998, where elective cosmetic surgeries had soared 400% between 1998 and 2000.
One Philadelphia surgeon noted that starting around last September, pre-surgery consultations had dropped sharply.
"Some people listen to the business news to see how the economy is going. I listen to topless dancers...."
I thought the pilot light went out. Yes it did.
When the water heater's casing broke and dripped water all over the flame.
I swear I knew I needed to check it.
First a dead fridge. Which became a new fridge that DIES within a week of being delivered.
It took a long time for the gas to be turned on, so I had no hot water for a long time.
And now THIS??
GET IT REPLACED *NOW*.
I need a shower to cool down and get some sleep.
Wait, there is no hot water.
Monday, June 11, 2001
When Fred sent me The Survey, I intended to sit down, think and fill it out.
And then when Jules did... I totally intended to.
And then when Cyn did .. i figured it was time.
But, instead of spamming everyone with this, I think its better to just blog it....
I'll make it an "About Me" page later.
right now... an efficiency 1 bedroom apartment above a mob-owned hair-parlor in Bayonne NJ. Efficiency because the kitchen and living room are all one.
Just me. No room-mates. Dont want them, dont need 'em. And that includes girlfriends.
Out of town friends are always welcome, but begone when its time. :-)
I like my solitude.
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I used to work in a bookstore. After discovering a stupendous amount of good books, and choking on the horrid output of other 90% of writers, I cant bear to read a work of fiction anymore.
No, really. I can barely remember the name of the last work of fiction I read, which was certainly not even this year.
So my reading tends to be in the category of: other. Since I read many other books concurrently.. looking around...
- The Illustrated Perfumed Garden. A lavishly photographed australian heterosexual intercourse book that I picked up @Pegasus Books in Berkeley. Based on the 16th Century Arabic work of the same name, but not as racist (gross allusions to 'Mandingo'. Ive read the translated original 'Perfumed Garden'.).
- Chicken Soup for a Writers Soul. Part of the 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' franchise, it is occasional corny, but its still a great work for anyone who likes to and wants to write. Lot of encouragement for the benefits of following your dreams and persevering.
But I particularly like what most of the writers say: They started writing for their own need, but continued writing for the connections to people's dreams and souls.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
No mousepad, using a laptop. And as far as mousepads, I tend to just grab any. Doesnt matter to me.
Thats what happens after years of being a computer tech/nomad and hardly ever using your own machine.
Car buff: Still Car and Driver. Been reading it for over 25 years. I used to eagerly wait for the latest issues, and rush to the 'library' (*flush*) to leisurely peruse them from cover to cover. I really think I got my love of good writing from this magazine, as even the letters to the editors used to be an INTERESTING forum, with people sending in lovingly crafted and HIGHLY opinionated letters so that they could be wittily slammed by the C&D editors.
To this day, I remember two items from issues almost 20 years ago:
- 'The Ten Best Modes of Transportation: #5 - The New York Subway System aka "The Electric Sewer" '.
- '.. there is no better ride than being strapped into an F4 Phantom, flying upside down and fifty feet off the ground. I HIGHLY recommend it.'
I also read what used to be the best written AND photographed car magazine (probably my photographical inspiration).. the british CAR magazine, although I feel the magazine companion to the BBC program "Top Gear" has got it beat nowadays, probably because many of the editors are CAR alums.
- Communication Arts. I save every copy. I want to frame almost everything in them.
- B&W magazine. The beauty of black and white photography.
The almond/vanilla smell of the nightime breeze off the sea in Runaway Bay, Jamaica.
FAVORITE PART OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
On the visceral tip:
Hips. The curvier the better.
But on sheer beauty, as I get older, Ive gotten to appreciate a graceful waist.
The smooth metallic snarl of a VW four-cylinder going HARD up the scale, and snarl/burble of the original Rabbit Gti coming off power on part-throttle...
BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD
- Flying and driving quickly, smoothly while being beyond awareness when in the Flow.
- The closeness, warmth and intimacy of being with the one you CARE about, going past the point of *straining* for closeness, and then being one together, with no need to strain.
- Genuine heartfelt laughter with the people you care about.
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD
WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING?
"What time is it? What day is it?" As I try to reorient myself to awakened reality.
Im a chicken with a vivid imagination.
FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME?
Anything that fits.
Always been fond of 'Gabrielle' for some reason tho...
Jamaican Rice and Peas and jerked/Stewed chicken. Comfort food: Stewed oxtail & peas and hot white rice - with spiced ground beef over white rice a close second.
Ice cream: Butter Pecan, using sweet pecans.
DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE?
Yes. But unless Im wandering or being lostonpurpose, its no fun commuting.
DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST TYPE OF CAR?
- First car as a licensed driver: 1979 Audi Fox. (Brown)
- First American car: 1972 Cadillac Coupe DeVille (Light metallic gold)
- First car bought with own funds: 1973 Opel Manta Rallye Coupe (Yellow)
- First non-beater/almost new: 1984 Rabbit Gti (Metallic Silver)
- First new: 1991 VW Gti 16v. (Cobalt Blue)
Notice the teutonic emphasis?
There is just something *special* about the supple, all-world COMPETENCE of good german cars.
IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE,
Apart from Einstein, Cary Grant or Alexander the Great?
I wouldve loved to have a long talk with Mike Royko.
STORMS-COOL OR SCARY?
By the edge of the water... always very cool.
FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK
Im not really a drinker. I had my first beer on my 21st birthday (my best friend took pity on my depressed, morose ass and took me out bar hopping. Sagittarians are good for SOME things.)
I might drink 10 actual beers in a YEAR.
St Stan's Red Ale. Beyond beer. Wish I could find it around here. :-(
WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
Heheh. Using the IRC channel #astrology form of identification:
Sun/Merc/Uranus/Pluto in Virgo
Rising/Mars/Venus in Cancer
Moon and Jupiter in Taurus
Saturn in Pisces
DO YOU EAT THE STEM OF THE BROCCOLI?
Nope. I dont eat broccoli unless its well steamed under cheddar cheese or part of Barry's broccoli pan pizza (Chicago)
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE?
race car driver or fighter pilot instructor. yes. Im dead serious. I would accept dying doing either.
IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR?
black. cursed with premature grey hair.
EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
WAS SHE THE ONE?
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
Not usually a problem (fuzzy zen answer)
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK?
good, clean water. Followed closely by a double Venti Mocha Breve from Starbux. :-)
- Father Goose (Cary Grant in his most relaxed, anarchic role, making it look easy as usual.)
- Stalag 17 .. based on real POW accounts, a dark yet moving comedy/drama. The inspiration for 'Hogan's Heroes'. I still get teary-eyed hearing "When Johnny comes marching home again" as many of these POW's didnt.
- M*A*S*H. The TV series pales in intelligence.
- Pillow Talk. The best B-movie ever. Now that Rock Hudson's secret is out, catch the in jokes.
- Ferris Beuhler's Day Off. Chicago has never looked so good.
- Risky Business. Its STILL teaching me something every time I see and think of it.
- Disney's Alladin. Fast paced dialogue and humor, unreal animation. Me and my niece would sing "Friend Like Me" constantly. I still sing it to break bad moods, even tho I dont remember all the words... :-)
- Silverado. The best modern western. And yes, Kevin Costner is IN it. :-)
- Bull Durham. Kevin Costner, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins were sublime.
- Blues Brothers. No plot, but dammit... just about everything and everybody is in it.
- The Matrix.
- Fear of a Black Hat. Homage to 'Spinal Tap' while being WORLDS better.
- The Usual Suspects . Who IS Kaiser Soze?
- Das Boot in the original german. From beginning to end, youre WITH that little U-Boat.
- Top Gun. The story sux. But it has no peers in the air. Best seen wide screened and surrounded by the best sound system money can buy.
- My Cousin Vinny. By far, Joe Pesci's most under-rated leading role. He made everybody in the movie look good.
- The Sure Thing. I went to school with Cusack and Piven so it was a treat watching them in their first major film, plus I loved the story - 'Say Anything' running a close second.
- Gross Pointe Blank. Laconic irony and meaty writing. Almost TOO literary and fast-spoken for the screen.
These WILL form the core of my DVD library.
ARE YOU A LEFTY, RIGHTY OR AMBIDEXTROUS?
Technically ambidextrous, if the test is which hand can you write with. In practice, Lefty oriented (write, type, bat), but I do everything else as a righty (throw, punch, shoot, move...) as Im right eye dominant.
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
No. I do know how, but it only increases my speed marginally and reduces my accuracy substantially.. Even though i dont have to - I still look at the keys...
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
Nothing. I sleep close to the ground or ON the ground. Im weird like that. :-)
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?
7 and 48
FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
All have their appeal, but basketball for its display of human athleticism and creativity.
That changes.. but basically to live long enough to truly enjoy this lifetime in all its moments.
Blue. I physically respond to it.
Being on the edge, high up. I will NOT stand on the edge of a tall building or height.
I will get violent if forced to.
WHAT CD (OR TAPE) DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR STEREO RIGHT NOW?
US 3. (1992)
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
I try to catch it by the 3rd ring.
FAVORITE TV SHOWS?
Too many to mention. But for idle relaxation, Friends. And must watch.. Law and Order on A&E.
There needs to be a "Law and Order" channel.
FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Chess. EVERYONE should know or learn how to play chess.
As a board game, it is a total mind fuck. In every sense of the term.
My earliest CLEAR memory is drooling, on purpose - because I remember trying to make the decision to close my mouth or just let it go - on my Uncle Uren's (my mom's youngest brother) blue striped oxford shirt collar, as he held me on his shoulder in the then main bedroom of my childhood home, when he came to visit us before he left Jamaica for good.
He was PISSED, as he swore and handed me back to somebody. :-)
I include the details because no one believes me when I tell them, because I wouldve had to be under a year old.
Your babbling child is more than a drooling little person.
WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?
I couldve said Love, Acceptance, Peace... but most IMPORTANT? Time.
Not to frantically try fit and experience everything there is with dread, desperation and frustration.. but to appreciate that your time is finite, so it needs to be savored and appreciated.
And remember the important things during your time: Love,Acceptance, connections etc....
SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU.
Fred: my sprite muse.
Cyn: a deeply warm-hearted soul.
Julie: My favorite daily penpal
Ok, my obligation is done. :-)
Mars was relating about tearing her casual jeans and having few in reserves.
I can relate.
Myself.. unless Im wearing slacks, Im always wearing black jeans outside.
Here in New York - black jeans go with just about everything. And hold up to everything.
Daily living in this area is rougher on clothes than yer average ropin' n' ridin' dude ranch, no matter HOW stylish everyone is.
Im understanding what MarsChica is going through.. specially when mine tear and need patching or replacement.
Particularly now, as the only department store in town that I know stocks black jeans in my gut-clearin' size has gone out of biz.
I stocked up as best I could, but this wont last forever....
Yesterday, wandering through some generic NJ mall, I saw a woman bend down and lean over, and the stylish hole under the butt cheek expanded to 3 times its size.
Hey, normally - most women wear spandex underneath the jeans to cover the skin.. the hole being decorative.
YO PAPI.. chica was doing the Thong Song! I saw NOTHING but an expanse of pink ass poking out.
As the puny one would say... DAHYUM!
I dunno man. Normally, I would enjoy the flash.. but this time, prolly indicative of my advancing age (?).. I just thought old girl shoulda covered up.
If you live by the beach its one thing, but otherwise .. I dunno.. even in new york - where skimpy wear was in abundance everywhere to celebrate Puerto Rican day (dont some women frikkin LEARN?).. you dont show that, man.
Sunday, June 10, 2001
I was.. I didnt know what I was thinking as I walked to my door tonight.... pondering as she drove away.
Didnt really know what to think, really.
I was searching for something.
But hey, it was a great day being out and about.
Cecily was saying that Mumford, also one of my all time favorite movies after I saw it by chance, made her feel so good.. she just wants to see it over and over again.
We were wondering if we liked it because it was so surprisingly good, specially as it didnt win any awards or was so unheralded.
We dunno, but we like it much and it feels good. And thats what counts.
I walked in, drank the milkshake, puttered around for a bit.. and walked over to the TV and popped in "As Good As It Gets".
Loved that flick, so I wanted to see it again.
I thought I liked it because of the stupendous acting jobs in it.
But no... it's also a nice romantic flick - with a line that has always stuck with me.
No, not "Im drowning here, and youre describing the WATER." :-)
No, it's "You make me want to be a better man."
I sat back and the good feelings flowed.
And they flowed because watching this good flick again.. made me ..appreciate (there's that word again).. how everything flowed today.
She had wanted to see the place, forcing me to at least pick up and wipe up ye olde bachelor pad before she came over..
Coming back home this evening, seeing at least a clear countertop.. made me feel better.
She makes me want to be a better man. And she aint mine.
Wasnt meant to be. So Ive moved on. Eh.
I need to.
Heh. Another line.. "What if this is as good as it gets?"
Wouldnt that be sumthing.
We promised each other something awhile back....
We would just let it flow and see what happened.
When it flows, I dont remember it doing that with anyone else in a long long time.
It doesnt happen with everybody, no.
Hmm.. lemme rephrase.. she makes me want to live a better LIFE.
I dont know why exactly, maybe for all or none of the reasons I think.
Maybe its not even her exactly.
But it flowed today. And thats what counts.
Mmmm. Lemme see this flick again....
Heh.. speaking of Mumford, I think Ive always wanted to be like the young gazillionaire who owned "Panda Modems". :-)
Heh. Silly, but then again....