Oh, great... as if the gods are reading my intentions, my horrorscope for today sez..
The only danger this weekend is that in your desire to get yourself out of a financial dilemma, you agree to do something that makes it 10 times worse in the long term.
There are only two ways to improve your cash flow: Earn more or spend less.
Just what I had intended to do.
Saturday, February 10, 2001
Oh, great... as if the gods are reading my intentions, my horrorscope for today sez..
As I watched the world weather on BBC World News this morning, the local weather came through and announced itself.
This 140 year old house, the original frame built of sturdy ships timber, which has seemed solid the time Ive been here, shuddered under the high winds and rain.
Nothing it hasnt probably seen before, but enough that it gave me pause.
But really, its just a nasty cold front and weather system passing through.
Bad weather has been a hallmark of this winters weekends.
The forecasts for mild temps have really only been pipe dreams, as the actual weather has stayed pretty much cold.
But I see hope in the latest weather as spring being around the corner.
Looking forward to it.
Here is where I have to be honest, since I sooo demand honesty from other folk...
Why I am not working.
I am afraid I am going to die if I push myself.
Yeah, there's a reason you cant be always blunt. Now Im gonna get missives from folk concerned about me.
Please dont. I aint looking for sympathy.
I used to be fatalistic about it all, to the point of not expecting to be alive by now - so I didnt really care about money and a career track.
Then as I was doing what I thought I wanted to do, my body started showing why stress and bad habits can be killer.
That scared the fuck outta me. Particularly in the last few years as the jobs got even more stressful and I started feeling even worse.
And then, working with the last client - I only went in when necessary, as I literally felt seriously ill every time I had to trek to that smoke-filled and noisy office.
Apart from emergency client calls, I really havent worked since.
With those experiences in mind.. I have not gone ahead and gotten work that I know would easily launch me past this financial crunch.
Because Im afraid of what the work will do to me.
Man, that is not a way to live.
I am tired of this self-sabotage.
Kate, Tish, Jules of NY and other folk who give a damn about have been giving me great support in whatever I choose to do.
I should do the same for myself.
I am lucky enough to be in an area, whatever I want to do, whatever kind of work I really desire I can have it.
I know what I want.. and I know what I have to do to get it.
God willing, I may even survive it.
Thursday, February 08, 2001
I awoke and felt the pressure on my chest, opening an eye to confirm.
Yep. There was HappyCat, curled up and snoozing away on my chest.
Not like he hadnt asked permission, as he kept padding around the bed and my body as I tried to sleep.. but apparently when I didnt respond the last time.. he made do. Heh.
Ive been thinking about this getting a cat thing as Ive gotten used to actually living with a cat.
Ive grown to like it.
Im still not sure if I will be getting one.. (No, Gabz - it was never a sure thing :-).
I mean, Im a dog person - but Ive now gotten used to the idea of having a feline around me.
But having a pet, especially for someone as itinerant as I am, is a huge commitment.
I could not do what Kate did, moving her cat across coasts, making the sacrifices that she had to. Or, as I plan to do - be bi-coastal, I dont need a pet to worry about.
And the thought of giving up a pet when it becomes 'inconvenient', is philosophically abhorrent to me.
Once I take a pet, Im not giving it up - I would change my life around it.
PsychoCat just knocked up Tito's newest mouser - so there will be some adorable black/calico (did I just use the word adorable?) kittens possessing otherwordly mousing genes available shortly.
Best to get a cat as a kitten, Ive heard.
Tito said I can get the pick of the litter if I so desire, but wise man that he is.. he's not pushing me.
From Master Rao's Chinese Astrology - The Dragon Man
"After a breakup...as for the Dragon man himself, he enjoys a natural state of grace which allows him to forget his sorrows quickly and enables him to resume hunting with renewed enthusiasm and an intact heart. "
Ive always considered Valentines Day as a truly misbegotten holiday.. a wretched period of the year.
Over the years Ive dreaded this period in time, as Ive had to declare, confirm or deny my romantic leanings, particularly when Ive rarely been in a position to do so.
But Ive had an epiphany this year.
Valentine's Day may not be such a bad time after all.
It can be used as an occasion to strengthen or terminate a commitment.. as the strong feelings evoked by this time will either provoke a rupture to anything thats unsteady or strengthen whats good.
Maybe not on that day, but eventually.
Thats a good thing, Ive come to realize.
Whats meant to be will be and what not meant to be.. hey.
Que sera, sera indeed.
I think the powers-that-be knew what they were doing when they foisted this time on us.
Myself, its dawned on me over these last few months that it would be a GOOD thing to celebrate St Val's Day.
The day is really intended to celebrate love, the most powerful spiritual force .... not merely a time to give roses and baubles to assauge insecurities or try persuasion :-).
(Although its never bad to hope for good things.)
So this year, as my sister cyn is doing in the right spirit, I am celebrating Valentine's Day - telling the people I love that I care.
Even some of the people I just like. :-)
Rich hates 'Friends' with a passion.
Me and Kate cant get enough of it.
And here in New York, they show it twice a day, 6 nights a week.. woohoo!!.
I understand Rich's antipathy though.
I didnt particularly care for the show when it first came out, but I got to appreciate the sublime writing after watching back-to-back-back-to-back episodes Id taped from being on the night shift.
So, now my idea of comfy is curling up to catch an episode of 'Friends'.
However, I fell asleep during tonights episode.
Wednesday, February 07, 2001
The song that makes me feeling like I want to cry, wail and act like I actually have a five-octave range:
Patti LaBelle's - If Only You Knew
WHAT does it take?
Do I have to be the Pope?
To turn on the electricity after it has been turned off for non-payment in Bayonne, NJ apparently needs
- An electrician, and then
- A city inspector, and then
- an inspector from the utility
to get the F*$^#%^$ *$^%#% service turned back on.
This is because people have been known to
- skip payment, then turn the power back on under bogus names
- rig illegal meters
- bribe people to have meters turned back on illegally.
Why does it have to be so hard to simply have a place of my own in NYC?
I'd betcha if I were Tony Soprano - the power would be back on TONIGHT.
Ok, now lets talk about the gas....
Song guaranteed to take me back to my childhood..
Louis Jordan's Nobody Here But Us Chickens
I would still be twiddling my thumbs and wondering if I shouldnt update that damned site if Jules hadnt said 2 years ago this week.. "Start writing and update that damned site!!!"
A remarkable combination of discretion and blunt honesty, her opinion is such that it either gives me pause, a heart attack or enlightnment.
She does it again yesterday by asking me: "So, have you been paid for your articles yet?"
Instinctive answer: "Why no, not at all."
*pregnant pause, birthing enlightenment*
Cause I havent been doing ANYTHING toward what I said I wanted to do, fucking around wondering if I shouldnt take this or that tech job.. that I dont WANT.
Yes, Jules tends to do that a lot....
Song that makes me simultaneously horny, jamming and imagining Im in a Louisiana bayou...
Diane Schuur's Louisiana Sunday Afternoon
As I wandered up Broadway, idly snapping pix, the camera flickered.. and died.
I dont think its gonna wake up this time.
Well, as Rashid said: "You feel like it has paid for itself?"
But its damned inconvenient.
I'll fiddle wit it later.
Best techno/instrumental blow-the-roof-off mix that makes me feel intellectual at the same time ...
Art of Noise's Beat Box
Voice of conducter on crowded uptown Broadway Line train
"PASSENGERS ON THIS TRAIN !!! LISTEN UP!!!
THERE IS ANOTHER TRAIN RIGHT BEHIND THIS ONE.
NOW. STEP AWAY AND WATCH FOR THE CLOSING DOORS!!"
The next camera I get will have a built-in voice recorder....
The most cold-blooded yet witty pean to New York-style violence and paranoia:
Notorious B.I.G's Warning
"Call the coroner
There's gonna be a lotta slow-singin'
an flower bringin'
If mah Bur-gu-lar
Watchu think all the guns
Got the rottweilers
by the door
An' I feed 'em gunpowder
So they can
trying to drop my decimals.."
Yanno, I cant stop listening to that.
Tuesday, February 06, 2001
I once had a girlfriend who would call me up first thing in the morning, every morning, to hear my scratchy, first-thing in the morning voice.
She said I give good voice in the morning. (Was a gemini, naturally... :-)
Right now, I just woke up from a nap, and my voice is scratchy.
Odd thing I do when Im like that: I sing/hum songs by singers with hoarse, scratchy voices... y'know, Rod Stewart (Do Ya Think Im Sexy), Kim Carnes (Bette Davis Eyes), Crash Test Dummies (Mmm Mmm Mmmm) etc etc
Usually though, its 'Boogie Oogie Oogie' by Taste of Honey.
I am easily amused. :-)
(Although tired, with HappyCat chirping at me to come back to bed, I gotta write before I forget the drafts in my head..)
Sometimes I wonder about my judgement:
I coulda headed out in days previous, when it was merely cold. But no, I had to head out in a bona-fiddy STORM.
If the needle-sharp ice-particles blowing sideways and stinging my face didnt clue me in, the frigid wind and slippery streets surely did.
Im the stubborn sort tho.. Once I start a journey, I rarely stop.
So, I slogged onto Brooklyn, where my inner voice again chimed "Where is your sense, boyo?"
(Yes, my inner voice may be Irish.)
Why? Well, I was talking to Tito, and it seemed wrong somehow to stand around while Tito is bustin his ass to clear snow off the sidewalks.
So I grabbed a shovel too.
Dave Price, the the weatherman of Fox5 kept repeating this morning, that the snow was wet and SUPER heavy, so to watch out for heart problems in those conditions.
No, I felt fine when I shoveled.
However, it was AFTERWARD, my ticker wasnt a happy camper - doing the rapido lambada in my chest.
I hadda use the old pressure on the artery (that I learned from Dr Scott) to get it to calm the fuck down..
And as I prepared to head home that night, the storm intensified.
As I slip, trudged and splashed... I kept wondering about my judgement.
I would do the same over again, knowing me. :-)
There was a recent piece in the NY Times about a rat riding the subway.
Here is an "Only in New York" story in the same vein.
In the Staten Island Ferry Buildings you will see pigeons walking around and swooping among the lofty rafters.
Even on the ferries themselves.
In fact, and this is the god honest truth - the pigeons take the ferry rather than fly across New York Bay.
Anyway, I got on the train at the South Ferry station, and a pigeon foraging on the subway platform, wandered into the subway.. and the door immediately closed behind him.
At this point, Im thinking the bird is gonna start freaking out and fly around trying to get out.. but no, it calmly walks back and forth in the aisle between the doors.
After awhile, the other passengers start watching him trundle back and forth as the train blasted up the tunnels into manhattan..
By the time the train pulls and slows into the Rector Street station, everyone in the car is watching this bird, unperturbed, walking back and forth.
Then as the doors open, the pigeon, still calmly, hops onto the platform and waddles over to the exit to raucous cheers of "I KNEW he was gonna do that!!!"
Only in New York.
Monday, February 05, 2001
My (personal) hororscope for today sez:
Everything is about to fall into place; all your questions will be answered and all your worries will disappear.
Will it really be as easy as that?
Yes, and it will be even easier if you stop trying to work it all out for yourself and listen to others.
Sistah cyn crax me up... :-)
In response to my observation that she has an ass fixation (possessing of a fine derriere herself), she responded by sending me the snippet of a lovely, evocative song:
> as for the
> you can do sidebends and situps
> but PLEASE don't lose that butt...
So I wrote back with my POV as to the subtleties of the subject
Then as she wrote her last journal entry - her mind slips, proving where her mind is REALLY at...
... did you know that m (husband) has a perfect ass? he does! wait, i think i lost my train of thought...
Funny tho, now I compare all others I see to my girl's. hmm
Oh wait... now my train of thought has disappeared.
As usual, everclear rocks my philosophy with a thought.
Speaking of how things turn out, man Pastor was on point tonight.... He was talking about how we let ourselves settle for good enough, and mistakenly pray for God to fulfill our plan instead of praying for us to be vessels of manifestation of His own plan. We convince ourselves that our present situation (relationship, school, job, location...) is good enough, and we handicap ourselves from seeing that our good enough isn't God's best.
[Lord I have so many testimonies to the truth in that- for one how when I finally stopped fighting ......it was then that I found my academic and professional calling, a school I love, a renewed relationship with my family, not to mention a man and a church home; and just think, that's only God's better!, not even God's best!- oh don't get me started!]
Even if youre not particularly religous, she's absolutely right..
Lately, Ive started to forget that.. again.. its not all about me... its about a greater good.. but I will personally benefit if I remember that.
Man, it took me YEARS to figger summa this schtuff out.. and she's only 21???
More snow is on horizon the today.
And Ive been lazing in the house these last few days, making only half-hearted attempts to get out, pissing me off that my unlimited MetroCard has been hardly used....
And if you think Im gonna go stepping in that mess just for photos, y'all have another thing...
Sunday, February 04, 2001
Although a commonly used word, the Pennant surname is quite uncommon.
, Most folk who didnt marry into the name can trace their ancestries to specific locations in the world.
In fact, we seem to fall into two general groups - the 'white' Pennants and the 'black' Pennants.
I found it hilarious when a woman in a canadian office of Deloitte & Touche came across my name in a company directory and wrote supposing we were related from a common welsh ancestry as her family was first generation canadian..
I didnt dissuade her.. but I pointed out that I came from the Jamaican group of Pennants, of black ancestry.
I never heard from her again.
Nor did I hear back from Stanley Pennant in Australia.
I'd like to think its something against me being Jamaican. :-)
See, the 'white' Pennants spread throughout the british empire from a common town in Wales. The name is famous, because the name is represented in the House of Lords.
And their wealth came from one of the largest sugar plantations in the world at the time (the 18th century) - supported by a healthy populations of slaves, who took the name of the master.
It is probable there are blood links between the two groups, but for obvious reasons, I dont think there will be get-togethers organized any time soon.
I just heard from a Pennant .. born of Brooklyn. Of Jamaican parents. A Born Jamerican. :-)
I think its extremely likely he is related, because his father came from an obscure area of southern Jamaica where I know I have several uncles and aunts.
That area is close to the expansive south Jamaica plains that still support some of the largest sugar plantations in the world.
And around which, most of the Pennants (of various racial ancestries) still live.
Most of the emigrant Jamaican Pennants are spread around the world, primarily in England, the US (NY, Florida, California usually), Canada and other scattered spots around the globe.
I think I'll try to hook up with him, help his curiousity.
Because we are indeed proud of the name.