Saturday, November 08, 2003

It was chilly and blustery and overcast.

The planes
, at first were flying their bad weather patterns, over the Berkeley Hills, straight toward the Golden Gate Bridge and then making their respective left turns to either Frisco Int'l or Oakland.

Later they changed to their extreme weather pattern, avoiding the bay entirely and flying low and slow overland waiting for gaps in the wall of fog on the Bay.

The weather on the ground was schizophrenic. Bluster, chill and the smell of rain.

Its been a great day.

The Farmers Market, rain or shine was open for business.

I had my usual Saturday treats: A raisin belgian pastry, fine roasted coffee, fresh cider, so fresh I have to dilute it, wheat raisin bread for later.

I didnt have the Puerto Rican platter (plantain, chicken, red breans and rice) as the caterers didnt come , fearing rain.. but a friend treated me to a cheap chinese alternative in downtown Berkeley.

Im full, fat an' happy.

I walked the pit bull puppy, who now knows how to sit, heel and stay... err, 50 percent of the time. Hey, he's still a puppy.

He knows me by sight and comes running to me, big ears flopping, licking my face like a spaz. Heh.

I see subtle changes in myself that indicates that Berkeley and these past coupla months have changed me.

For the better.

Today, I decided from the get go, was not a day to sweat about money, ambition and Le Girl (although I did get her a gift to see if I can get back into her good graces and hope the doghouse is a temporary shack), grievances and grudges.

Right now, Its all good and looking even better tomorrow.

Its been a good day, and looking outside the rain is coming down, so I will miss the lunar eclipse, but still.

Not bad at all.

Friday, November 07, 2003


Other personal
favorites Im considering printing for exhibition

(I think Angeline and Poo suggested this too)

This.. Im sort of torn on showing. It seems almost too mundane, but I rilly like it.

And another 'maybe'

This, maybe not.. but its a personal fave.

If I did, I'd prolly lose the can of Bud in the background...

*squint* Hmmm.

Hehehe. Dare me. Double dare me...
Who am I kiddin.. I miss having a camera in my hands.

If only for my mental stability, never mind staving off the boredom...

So, while Im being *cough* arg *cough* patient.. I dream, and dream some more...

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Willfully itinerant

People have often compared my wanderings and lifestyle to Jack Kerouac and his novel On the Road.

Ive never read it. Kinda proud of that fact too.

Why be influenced in my actions by someone else? Nah.

Me be me.

However, as the fates would have it.. I found a copy lying where I happened to camp out last night.

No kidding.

So, I guess I should read it...

I, Believe.

As someone pointed out to me, one of the cool thing about being in Berkeley, is that no matter who youre talking to here, from ditchdigger to governer, from housewife to homeless, you'll get good conversation.

So, as is my wont when I speak to the Sudanese security guard, I get good conversations on religion, spirituality and literature.

The subject was Faith last night.

What is faith?

Faith is belief.

No, faith is no mystery - but there are several components and steps to having faith.

Faith is.. trust.

Trust in what is.

Once one has trust, one can get to acceptance.

Acceptance is neccesary for belief.

Acceptance allows you to get to love.

Trust, acceptance, love, faith.

However, for one to believe - one has to trust and accept.

It is not mysterious, it is HARD.

Acceptance requires one to embrace and open themselves up to joy.. and suffering.

Thats scary.

Love requires acceptance.

Love allows faith to be transcendental.

Which is the point of having faith.
It is hard for me to love.

It is hard for me to accept what is , as it is hard for me to trust.

I have good reason.

No one can tell me different.

However, I am now finding, if I want to get to where Im going.. Id better damn well get past myself and open myself up to love. To trust. Even to accept.

I'd better believe.

Otherwise, Im screwed.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Just now..

I dreamt I was in Hawaii. Blue waters, bright light.


I was having fun, it seemed.

Funny, it seemed I was broke in the dream.

Thats not funny.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003


Today's horrorscope
Youve been acting like you've awakened on the wrong side of the bed, have no fear. It's the fire in your belly that's making you cranky. You can turn this gnarled- up energy into good work.

Just be sure to clear plenty of space for yourself - you're like a bull in the china shop.

^ Yeah, the balls are rolling.

Im just antsy that due to lack of resources things arent moving fast enough..

I'll TRY to not bite anyone else's head off.
Your life is like a wheel - many areas need to be filled out for you to keep rolling along at a happy speed. But if it's all work and no play, or all play and no romantic commitment, the neglected areas of your personal life will scream for attention.

^ Dangit.

Me lone wolf. Why me gotta play kissyface NOW?

Dont need distractions.

I havent been able to talk to Le Girl in awhile, so having decided to be Mr Lets Not Drag This Out, Im more than ready to move on.

Usually, my tactic is to float a logic bomb so that I can detach from a situation, to make the other person decide to go.

Ergo, I sent an e-mail to LeGirl giving her a graceful out...

But no, she has to mess things up by being reasonable:

> i'm doing okay. just taking more time for me,
> myself
> and I, thats why i've been so distant.
> and i'm paranoid that i'm gonna fuck it up again...
> i'll see you around right?
> take care
> r***

And she wasnt the one being jealous and stupid.

Bah. Now I gotta be patient an' shit.

Hate that.

To profit from a new arrangement, you have to jump in with a full commitment. But you don't want to give up your freedom.
You'll be able to take advantage of financial opportunities when you feel better about where you're coming from. This is true both literally and spiritually.

Make small changes, and don't let up until you've accomplished what you set out to achieve.

^ Aright, aright.

Monday, November 03, 2003

Apropos of nuthin'

Perfessor, Undercover, The Journalist, FBI, Cha-Ching...

My new nickname is "Paper Man" as I appear each morning at The Hangout Spots with a minimum of 2 daily papers and the Wall Street Journal under my arm.

The guys then hand me a cup of steaming coffee, as they know Im ever so slightly cranky without it.

Last night I walked through the wind and cold with the LA Times and a loaf of challah bread under the arm (*pshaah* I dislike french bread and the other crusty crap they favor in this town, Im a sucker for egg breads).

(An aside: This town feels like Lady and the Tramp Land. I swear, if I see the guy delivering Italian bread in the mornings, he hands me a loaf gratis, all because I once said I love the smell coming from the delivery truck. Or the daily SF Chronicle or Oakland Tribune given to me the delivery drivers, who have gotten to know me. And in this town of gourmet eateries, Ive eaten very very well, as Ive gotten to know the natives who know me by name.

It pays to wander around and chat to people.

I said Im anti-social, but Im also quite sociable when I care to be.)

Anyway, as I walked past Au Coquelet, bread and paper under arm, with no intention of stopping, I glanced over and saw Mira who waved me on in.

Some people go to the coffee shop, conversate, study, play chess, read. She relaxes by making art. Heh.

She bought me coffee, lovely girl that she is (I owe her) and we sat back and complemented each other in business and pleasure.

Ive said more than once, that a primary reason for coming to Cali was to meet people. I have.

Some good, some bad, all interesting.

And so it goes.
MiraMira paid me a compliment, among the many that she does...

"Your pictures all seem to be about little things, but theyre not..."

Reminds me of that quote by Jon Karatt-Zinn
"The little things? The little moments? They arent little."

No, theyre not.