Friday, January 26, 2001


I was awake from 7am Thursday to 11:30am Friday morn.

Yes, I was tired during that time, but all it took was one cuppa coffee to keep me awake.

@ 11:30, I told Kate and Laura that I was off to take a nap and signed off AIM.

Apart from pee runs (exercise is essential), I was unconscious until around midnight Friday night.

Right now.. I'm wide awake.
Al Gore is joining Hill and Bill in taking up residence in NY.

He's gonna be a journalism professor at Columbia, and is moving to my old neighborhood (of 3 months) - Morningside Heights.

With that in mind.. this editorial cartoon from fridays Daily News had me rollin....

(See, the joke is.. Al is from Tennessee, and Bill and Hillary were themselves called carpet-baggers and.....)

Looping on the mp3 soundtrack as I write:

- School Daze Soundtrack (Tisha Campbell & Jasmine Guy) - Be Alone Tonight
- En Vogue - Giving Him Something He Can Feel
- Crash Test Dummies - Mmmm Mmmm Mmmmm
- Everlast - What its Like
- Maxi Priest - Close To You
- Mikki Howard - What Love Is
- Tribe Called Quest - Bonita Applebaum

On the mellow tip
I had a lot to say, and I did write it.. but spontaneous reboots by the PC at the Internet cafe wiped 'em out each time.

I would try to recreate it, but Ive come to firmly believe that when I lose my thoughts repeatedly, thats the universe's way of saying that some of that chit doesnt need to be out there.....

I may get into some of it later.
Clerk at counter, has his hands in pockets, teeth clenched.

Me: Kinda cold?
Him: Shit man, too much for me!
Me: Well, its cold, but its not that bitter cold of the last coupla weeks....
Him: Yeah, youre right - even though its about the same temperature
then we paused, looked at each other and bitterly laughed
Me & Him in unison: ... but its STILL cold!

Thursday, January 25, 2001

Ahhh, the benefits of self-medication.

Maybe all I needed was a movie, burger and a beer to settle me down. If only for one night.

Although it coulda been 20 clams better spent, I feel better right now.

Tish sent out a link the other day, to make this guy the 'happiest man in the world'.

Lets make this clear: She is the sentimental one. Im the one who thinks everyone has an agenda.

I was telling her how I could make a site with hundreds of thousands of visitors.
She didn't believe me, so we made a bet.
First we were betting a lunch, then it was a term-paper. Then I said if I won she would have to marry me!! ...and she AGREED!!
So I spent two weeks trying to think of a site that would attract a lot of visitors so that I could marry the woman I've loved so much since our senior year in high school. Eventually I decided to just make a page telling the truth and hope all the great people on the net might help make this happen! If I get 1,000,000 hits by Valentines Day, February 14th 2001, we WILL GET MARRIED!! :-)

*eyes narrowing* I find it kinda hard to believe that a woman will get married only if a site gets ONE MILLION HITS.

Jeez. I cant believe someone would use this kind of emotional blackmail just to get hits.

Does this define 'hit-whore' or what?

No. I dont believe that a marraige is at stake for this.

Actually, Im kind of pissed off that he has my girl believing in this, that she would beseech a worldful of friends to help in his quest.

But, I guess if she believes in true romance, who am I to be the Grinch about it?

I guess its harmless, but... *GRRR*

Wednesday, January 24, 2001

Some people drink, some people get high to escape.

I used to take off and go driving for hundreds of miles.

Im in a place right now that I want to go driving and lose myself in the darkness.

A place where I dont want or need to be.

My father used to praise my will-power.. that I wouldnt drink, smoke or fuck around. (A rare compliment from a man who would rather boast than praise. Think about it.)

Heh. That's because my talent is to ask .. "And then what?"

Curse that analytical nature.

There are times when I wish I WOULD drink, smoke and fuck around without conscience.

Now is one of those times.

But thats not me, Im not good at it and it rarely makes me happy or calm when I try.


Unfortunately, I can feel myself slipping into that mode, which means I just dont want to be around some folk right now.

A place where I dont want or need to be.

What do I want? My financial reserve back to normal, people who shouldnt fear being straight with me, a sure partner with whom I can relax and be myself.. . I guess.

Part of trying to become a better man however, is to not let people affect my mood or attitude.

Part of becoming a better man is to not blame others for how I live my life.

And live my life.

But right now, I just wanna go driving.
Although I havent taken a whole lotta pix recently, here a few random ones..

Katyn Forest Memorial, Exchange Place, Hoboken

Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum, Times Square

42nd Street between 7th and 8th Avenues

Battery Park

2nd Avenue and 2nd Street, East Village

Journal Square, Jersey City, NJ

I guess I should go to bed..

HappyCat just padded into the office chirping at me.

Just jumped on the chair behind my back, taking station...

Some people would call it affection, I think he just wants his bed-warmer.....

Ok, ok.

All - of - a - sudden........

I have this craving for donuts.

The firm texture of warm, unglazed, chocolate cake donuts. Fresh baked.

It must be morning.

And I havent slept yet.

One of my dirty little secrets is that I yearn to be a 'nester'.

I wanna make a nice comfy little place that I can call my own. With all the details, knick knacks and frills that only a woman (or a style-conscious gay man), can provide.

Which is why I want females to decorate my place, with curtains, spice racks, matched toilet covers and towels, frills an shit.

All those little details that Im not interested in shopping for, but makes a place feel like home and not just a crash pad.

Apart from me staying at Ma's place the last 3 years of being in NY (trust me, I had no intention of it being anywhere that long) Ive been on my own for nearly 15 years.. and I have not felt like Ive had that freedom to nest because ofthe way Ive moved around.

Well no, I had that house in Jacksonville, but that came prefurnished. That was nice until I allowed the ex-bro in law to move in as a room-mate. *sigh*

No more room-mates.

So, Im looking forward to this place.

Yes, I had stated I intended it to be furnished in lean Bachelor Pad Prime.... but *scrunch of nose*.. I want it to be nice.

Not ratty or salvation-army chic.

Im too old to be satisfied with that anymore.
I was telling LilBro about the place yesterday, and he got bug-eyed about the rent Im gonna be paying.

"That's UNBELIEVABLY cheap!"

Yup. The amount is FAR less than I intended to pay - and I was using the old 'it has to be no more than a quarter of my monthly net income' formula - which is a frickin pipe dream in New York City.. unless your income is sniffing the 6 figure range.

He too, until recently, was looking for a place - and encountered the same frustrations Ive did, dealing with usurious brokers, opportunistic landlords and the frenetic, pay-any-price demand.

So he KNOWS.

Yep. Its at rent-control level.

Yes, I know how lucky I am, even though I wont be living in NY per se. Hell, its cheap for that area too.

It is indeed who you know.

Yah, The Gods are watching out fer me.....

So far so good.

I gotta keep the faith.
The other night, I was walking through Bay Ridge by Kate's place.. and I saw something I hadnt noticed in the area for a long time yet.

For sale and for rent signs.
Its not that you'd notice, but I noticed because of the absence of those indicators recently.

Bay Ridge has become a very popular place for those unable to swing Manhattan, Brooklyn Heights or Park Slope or even Queens, and want a nice area that still has that Brooklyn feel.

So people have been flocking there.

You didnt NEED to post For Sale or For Rent signs for long.

And now Im seeing this popping up?

Yup. The boom time is over, and it looks as if people are cutting their losses as well as battening down.
She'd never had the chance before, but now every time Kate uses the Plentium II, she moans "This is sweet, I WISH I had bought this machine".

Yes, it is nice. :-)

I joke with her that we will build her something MUCH better.. but when she asks "How much will it cost?", as much as Kate is a 'make it happen' kinda gal, I know that it wont happen.

Im sorry hon - If ya gotta ask, thats the wrong question.

Although you build a machine like that with a bottom line cost in mind, you also build it to a high standard - which means that some parts will simply cost so much that unless you understand the difference between 'fast' and 'efficient', you'd blanch at spending for the distinction.

Its the difference between an off-the-rack suit and a custom armani suit.
The Armani may cost thousands, but it will hold up well enough to look just as new and stylish 10 years later.

I want one bad. ( well as a coupla armani suits..)

Im tempted to rethink my decison to downsize my computing needs, but I know that a well-equipped laptop or two is as much as I need right now.

I'm not sure I can articulate exactly why that is, but I have the strong conviction that is very necessary to do so.

So, the Plentium III project will have to wait.

But, if Kate is brave enough, I'll help her to build one just like it... :-)


Tuesday, January 23, 2001

Stuff on my mind...

Talking to a few web friends...

One has a roommate who has confessed he has feelings for her.
She never thought of him as more than a friend.
Another's boyfriend is bothered when she refers to the previous boyfriend as 'friend'.

'Friends'. Like 'love', a term cheapened by over-use.

I used to think "Lets just be friends" was a bad thing.

Until I had to use it.

Its not fun when youre on the receiving end of "Lets just be friends" tho.

That almost never works out.

Cause yer just fooling yourself.

My opinion: Once you cross the line between "Just friends" and being an item, the rules change.
Being friends require a certain set of rules.
There are lines you dont cross if you want to stay friends.
Once you get romantically involved, those barriers are removed, which is oft necessary to be physically and emotionally involved.

(You dont even havta actually sleep together to cross some of those lines, by the way...)

Thats why the "Lets just be friends" speech, I consider to be insiduous.

Because its essentially a lie... you can never go back and *just* be friends.

There is just too much involved to be sanguine about it.

You go back to be just friends, you have to have a new, stricter set of rules.

Eventually, that never works - because its then that much harder to stay friends.

To put it another way, the 'love' in 'lovers' isnt just a euphemism.

'Just friends' is.

Ask any divorced couple.
I got the keys to the apartment today.

Still needs to be cleaned up, garbage bags (many many bags), a busted window repaired, a toxic fridge cleaned (that has had food innit since may when the power was turned off) and the lights back on before I can move in.

Still waiting to find out when that will be.

After the events leading to getting my license suspended (starting with a bad night just trying to get thru Jersey) I swore I would NEVER live in the hell hole that i considered New Jersey to be.

Things change.

I found myself walking down the main strip of Bayonne, NJ enjoying the almost suburban views.

It doesnt feel like a war zone.

The rents are cheap.

Hell, I had a Chulapa Combo Meal @ Taco Bell for 3 bux an fitty.


A Happy Meal anywhere in NYC is never under 6 bux.

There are quality restaurants every other block.

The people are even, *gasp* friendly.

Well, no - but it seems that way.

However, all is not perfect....

I did not see a Starbux anywhere in Bayonne.


I may have to leave that hellhole.
Ok, ok, ok.. another HappyCat story.

I'm doing the sofa slouch, and Ol' Biff (his real name) didnt have a lap to leap upon, and my chest, the alternative, wasnt inclined to the proper resting position.


He rested in proper cat position for several minutes studying the dilemma.

Biff, being a good Marine, then improvised.

He leapt up, rested his haunch on the couch and, paws first, lay on my chest, purring.

Impressed, I let him be and paid the toll. One scratch session it was.

Then.. and then...

He rested his head on my cheek, as a baby would.

Oh my.

Never have I had a puddy tat get THAT personal.

Shocked, I just let him be for a good fifteen minutes.

He did not move one iota during that time.

Sunday, January 21, 2001

It was bright, beautiful and clear the way it usually is after a storm in a port city.

Rich came in from shovelling snow and said... "You should be out there..its beautiful.. you cant buy color like that."

Heheh. Thats my favorite foto saying.

I think he was motivating me AND mocking me at the same time.

I still didnt go out.

Because the wind chill is below zero.

Im not at all fond of the cold right now.

It hasnt been above 40 degrees since November.

Thats nothing for Chicago, but actually odd for New York, where it may get cold - but will warm up on occasion.

Not so this winter.

I havent bought a parka and mittens in years - having been thru nothing but florida weather and mild winters the last 10 years or so.

And without the proper gear, it's kinda scary.

Yeah, this kinda admission from a Chicago boy.
Some of the guys have been ruminating.. trying to figure out life, make their choices

I wanna dash off letters and expound and advise and ruminate wit them.

But Im old enuff to know sometimes to keep my mouth shut. Its shit theyve gotta figure out for themselves.

Heh. I think Ive Figured Out a Good Portion of It All. For myself.

And what has that taught me? That now, at least I know what I dont know.

Valuable, that.

That Im on my path, I dont have a clue, but I know what I have to do.

And Im in the midst of doing so.

Do I like where I am?


But am I where I need to be?


And I constantly hope Im on the right track.

Oddly, I know - if I keep the faith, I will be.

That too, I have figured out.
On that subject - the best advice was given to me by Kate when she said:

"It's not all about you, dear."

Whoo. Talk about profound.

In trying to figure it all out.. that has been the missing factor that no one told me about.

Not like that anyway.

When I remember to add that phrase to the mix of life.. progress is made....

See why I keep her around? :-)

I didnt go pick up the honey today. I wussed out.

I rationalized that I didnt need it THAT bad.

I lied.

That I was even THINKING about heading out into a snowstorm for california honey should tell ya something...

We'll try the switch again on Wednesday.

I think I can do without a few days more....

Just barely.

My favorite scene from South Park: The Movie is where the head of the Joints Chief of Staff's cool-lookin holographic Star-War's like battle plans crashes in mid-spiel.

Pissed, he has Bill Gates dragged to him in cuffs to explain why Windows98 doesnt have the memory protection like he had promised..

As Bill G starts to pleasantly give the Microsoft anti-trust spin about how "Microsoft is only looking out for the consumers", the general abruptly.. shoots him in the head.

THAT is what I feel like doing after wrestling WindowsME into a semblance of civil behavior from 1am to 10am yesterday morning .


The very features that were *supposed* to give WindowsME "unparalleled" stability and recovery capabilites were the very things that were making it crash!!!

Since it aint my machine, I had been gentle and pussy-footing around trying to coax it to behave without doing anything drastic.
Wasnt working.
Then it STOPPED working last night.. while I was using it, natch.

*GAAAAH* (or as mars would put it.. 'fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!'.)

Not wanting to be blamed for this, I finally got pissed, and gutted the mo-fo the way I shouldve weeks ago.
This is what I do for a living and it was ruining my rep for weilding powerful mojo.

Naturally, fix one thing - and there are a million other things to fix.

Now, I walk away from it, the tower humming copacetically.

In my fantasy tho, I am using the holes in Windows security to siphon pennies on the dollar from Bill's Personal Slush Fund to numbered money-laundered accounts in Fiji.....
".. actually, Im kinda glad you woke up too late to come out and see the apartment. Its kinda ICK-ee, outside.."

I was too.. I had awakened from a deep nap (HappyCat curled up on my feet, natch) to find A) it was late afternoon and too late to go hook up with Eric to see the apartment and B) It was raining and sleeting heavily.
I wasnt at all eager to go head out to New Jersey in that mess.

It's gotten worse as the storm blows through.

As I hear the snow-plows scrunch by outside, it has gotten worse with blinding snow laying down several inches of fun.


My honey is back with my honey, and since her schedule this coming week is looking waaaay hectic, we decided it'd be best that I swing by her place today to pick up the loot.

In the wind and the snow. *shudder*

Happy to see her, but not looking forward to heading out in this crapp today.

She's not forcing me to do this, of course.....
Heh. Kate sent me her StorTrooper figure, the current web craze.

Actually, that is a pretty good representation of her, if in a cartoon form. (Although she prefers her boots to have heels)

And as she hates the paparazzi, thats as close a picture of Kate that most people will see.

Although, her cat is actually black....
I had just written Jesse telling him about my fetish fer black and white pictures...

Made me realize that I hadnt really been doing pictures recently with black and white output in mind.

But to kinda commemorate the current gray days, here are a few random b&w pics...

Bus Ramp, Ferry Terminal, Staten Island

SI Newhouse, New York Bay

SI Newhouse, Ferry Terminal, Manhattan

Broadway and Wall Street, Lower Manhattan

Battery Park, Lower Manhattan

The Gov. Herbert H. Lehman, Kennedy Class car-carrying ferry, New York Bay

Post Office, Ferry Terminal, Staten Island

Upper Ramp, Ferry Building, Manhattan

There ya go, Jeannie. :-)