Fear and Surrender.. what is there to say?
"One covets what one sees and doesnt have."
Ive got a series of articles within me I want to write. But they arent ready yet.
About currently staying in Berkeley's Men's Shelter (quite decent actually, people from all over the East bay there), and Im considered out of place there because - I have quite marketable skillz and experiences, no obvious self-destructive tendencies.
And even more shocking, no hankering for and extensive experiences with drugs and alcohol.
Heh. That initially marked me as "Undercover", (
Gabz snickered "Youre a NARC, heheh") the name people muttered about me in private.
Theyve accepted me so far, but still - they wonder.. What is he doing here?
I got a LOT of questions.
I kinda like my current nicknames tho "The professor" and "Governer".
But, meh. Nothing to say rilly. Not yet.
The shelter? Quite nice actually, but not a ride I wanna stay on. Pride kept me from seeking refuge there for a very long time, and pride will keep me from returning.
One thing I have in common with most of the men there is that they dont want to fuck up a good thing and return to the bottom.
Most are on a return cycle.
("What brought you here?" "Same old, same ol' things. Drugs, partying too much, fuckin around, fucking up.. You?" "Uhhh, my ID's got boosted and I couldnt get anything done." "Huh. Hmmm. You know you look *just* like this cop I used to know...." )
Now, here is a dirty little secret that many find will hard to believe.
Ready?
This is FUN. Really.
Im having a BALL.
But I have no money! Few options! I cant travel. I have a curfew! My girl worries and despairs! She might even give up on my ass if I do this for much longer.
And wait, I have a long list of even more crap filling up the shit sandwich..
Yep. Definitely. A drag.
But still...
This is a period of time when you appreciate the basics, lets just say.
Once you accept that, its not bad at all.
Being without FOCUSES you on whats important.
Me: "Damn. I need another laptop. Crap. And I have no money."
Listener: "Does the machine work?"
Me: "Yes, but.."
Listener: "Then you have far more than many people can even dream of..."
Yes.
(Among the indigent folk there are a lot of wealthy folk who are doing this for the experience. No kidding. No lie. Check your preconceptions at the door.)
Anyway, as I said - I have a lot to say, but I have nothing to say just yet.
Cause there's more.
Yeah. Im on the right path. Its not as bad as I feared.
