How badly can you taste it?

"One of the most important things that distinguishes a photographer from a person who simply takes photographs is the motivation for doing so."

- Michael Busselle

Yeah, I get that. For sure.

The ache I get in my sternum is pretty intense at times.

It aint just a hobby anymore.
------
Another of Poo's predictions comes to fruition.

Do I take the money, lose the cannoli?

Err.. sorry.
------
Im taking pictures without a camera.

To some extent, this is a frustrating exercise as I cannot simplysee, raise and shoot. But it does force me to think about long and hard about the how, why and with what as well as visualizing the images I want to take.

Im even storyboarding shots, projects and visualizing the sequence of shots Im aiming for.

Before, that wasnt necessary. Now, its essential.

In the long haul, this is good for me.

Even as it wears me down.
-----
So, somebody is offering to drop several large on the equipment, splitting the profits investor style.

I dont wanna.

I may have to.

Dangit, poo.

Christmas seems to have come early...

Or, maybe, just maybe, Im in a position to appreciate the spirit more than ever.
-----
Yesterday..

"You believe in Santa Claus"?
"Sure."
"Good, here."

And slipped a check into my hand.

Not a lot, but it'll buy me a lot of coffee for the holidays.

"It's because we like you."

Today..

"Remember that computer you found the other day, and you turned it in?"
"Sure."
"I think good things are coming from that."
"Mmmkay.."
"For instance, I happened to look down just now and found this check. To my surprise, I recognized the name on it."

My check. My coffee for christmas money.

"Where did you find it?"
"In the washroom. A lot of people came in and out of there, and no on touched it till I found it."
"Whoa, I havent been in the bathroom in over an hour."
"I know. You must be livin' right.."

Later

"Hey JOE!"
"Hey Bernard, long time no see!"

I had helped him a few months ago learn how to use e-mail and get work as a radiologist. He vowed to pay me back.

He was also with me when I first met Le Girl. In fact, I wouldnt have met her if it hadnt been for him.

We hugged, and he slipped a tenspot into my hand.

"Merry christmas man, and thank you."

Thank you.

Love, denial and life

"It was his relationships that first fuelled his imagination. It was the rush and the awesomeness of being in love that compelled him to write.

How do you describe a feeling so indescribable? Where does the feeling come from your body or your soul?

In learning how to write, he discovered that love and creativity come from the same well, and to go there you must travel to a place somewhere deep inside yourself.

Artists and actors, dancers, musicians, writers and philophers and dreamers all know how to do this..."

- Lynn Johnston, The Lives Behind the Lines...

Now that Im admitting that I need this...

Belief, suspension thereof.

"At some point in the drama, every excuse has been offered and analyzed. Even after all the evidence is in, and the ever-accepting spouse (now turned attorney) produces the ultimate evidence, there is still one last line that will stagger the most definite mindset.

'Do you really want to believe that of me? Do you really think I'd do something like that? Well, if that's what you want to believe, there's nothing I can do about it. Im sorry you see things that way.'

It's a brilliant strategy. I think there's some pschological term for when the guilty party deftly returns the volley of evidence and blame back the accuser and the game goes on.."

- Lynn Johnston, The Lives Behind the Lines...

My fear is that the shoe will eventually go on my foot.

My fear, really then, is of losing the sanctuary of self-righteousness.

This weeks horrorscope

Virgo

This week's horoscope features the poetry of U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Delivered at a news briefing, it provides a perfect frame for the current state of your fate.

"As we know," he said, "there are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say, we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know."

You, Virgo, are very close to discovering at least two of your personal unknown unknowns.

Heh. Lemme see if I can translate:

There are things we know that we know. There are things that we know that we dont know. And then there are things we're not even aware of what we're clueless about.

I think.

In any case, I think Im on track for some understanding.

Raising the sights

A benefit of growing older: You know exactly what you want.
-----

Ive always been a teutonic car junkie geek. I like German cars. Ive had a bunch of them (VW, Opel, BMW, Audi - but no mercedes - yet).

So, when I drool in my dreams of daydreams, two-thirds of the time the channel is usually tuned to a stretch of the bavarian autobahn (or Wiscahnsin countryside), with the aural soundtrack playing to an orchestra of gear whines, rushing wind, all overlaid by a rising and falling symphony of metallic snarls...

Right now, Im on an Audi jones.

Specifically, the Audi RS6.

My kinda car. A Q-car. It doesnt look like much. Naturally.

450 hp, speed limited to 174 mph.

Hoo baby.

I promise to slow down in the curves.

I want one for christmas. If not this christmas, the next one...

Heh. According to Audi, 90 percent of the people buying this vehicle are males 45 - 50, who earn at least 200 Large annually.

Ok, the christmas after that.
--------

"Youre looking for the same thing most people are, but they dont even know it."

"What do you think that is?"

"Most men think that they can do everything by themselves, but they usually need the energy of a woman to push them. What youre looking for is that energy which motivates you above and beyond, to the level of your dreams.

In fact, the fact that youre specific about the type of energy, free-spirited, intelligent, rebellious, means that you know what it is you need to help you get where youre trying to go."

"Sounds about right."

I know what I want.
---------
Someone saw me reading a book on Gaugin, and asked me if I were interested in Art.

The truth is, until a date who was an Art History major took me to the Art Institute of Chicago and exposed me to things I didnt consider essential.

But, no.. the reason Im doing this is because , Im taking pictures without a camera.

Yeah verily, its an exercise in frustration - and yet, its forcing me to alter my perspective.

When the camera broke, I was dissatisfied with my images. They were starting to feel static, repetitious.

So why am I reading about Gaugin?

Im retraining my eyes for when I get my cameras back.

Cuz, I got a whole lot of catching up to do.

I know what I want.
------------

Everything goes with black

"Youre dressed nice today."
"Huh? Katey, Im dressed no differently than I usually am."

Actually, Im not dressed any differently (the usual black with shades of gray and the occasional blue), but the WAY Im dressed is indeed different.

Im dressed the way I would be dressed if I were back living in Chi-town.

Which means Ive embraced the cold.

My jacket and vest are open to cold. Im wearing all-natural materials of cotton and wool. My gloves are all wool. Ive got my collar turned up.

In Chicago, that means youve acknowledged the cold, but since the wind aint blowin', you're living in it. Youve adjusted.

Its a state of mind. Of comfort.

And the one thing I admire about midwesterners.. they dress for comfort and stoicism. It shows the toughness of dealing with what is. And they dont give a fuck what anybody else thinks.

No muss, no fuss.

Although its the New Yorkers who embrace the ethos of everything in Black....

Hooked on a Spirit

Today's horrorscope

Try not to let your responsibilities weigh you down.

It does not matter how much work you have to do nor how far behind you may be in your schedule, take life as it comes today and don't take anything too seriously.

Look at it this way: one hundred years from now who is going to know and who is going to care?

"Hey, Joe. Hows it goin?"
"Ever get the feeling that youre makin' all kindsa progress, and yet you havent done chit yet?"
"Yeah?"
"That's it. How you doin'?"

Whatever happened to my standard "Hangin' in there"?
----------
Several people have said that Berkeley is located in an area of a strong energy vortex. Area natives seem to regard it as such.

Im starting to wonder.

I think there is something to that.

Strange things happen here. The strange people are attracted to the energy out here.

Rashid once came here and said the energy here freaked him out, as a sensitive.

Im normally skeptical, but Im starting to wonder.

------
It started like any other dream. She's across the way in the slightly seedy apartment, we hook up, I take her hand to take her to my place, or somewhere private.. and as we step out, what had seemed familiar, suddenly wasnt, and we kept traveling in circles along suddenly unfamiliar paths.

I never seem to be able to find my way, or if I do, she's gone.

Last night, I was able to find my way, for the first time in over 15 years.

I woke up realizing what that recurring dream is about and what I need to do.

More importantly, I woke realizing the WHY's to a whole bunch of things.

Why I call all the women Ive been stuck upon a variation of "The Girl". (LaChica, Da Girl, Le Girl etc). Why Im enamored of a certain TYPE of woman, a certain age. Why they all seem to think I can see right through them. Why it feels Ive been in limbo all these years, feeling like I cant move on.

What Ive been searching for.

"NOW it makes sense."
"Yeah, youre searching for a catalyst. Youve been searching for a spirit."
"Yeah. Something I need to fuse with, live with, to project part of me upon. Now I feel like Im getting a second chance here in Berkeley."

Thats just ONE of the things Im starting to realize the why's to.
-----------------
Ive added the Honolulu Advertiser to the roster of papers I read daily or regularly.

I gotta admit (grudgingly *cough*), the LA Times is a helluva paper.

It meets the criteria of telling me things I didnt already know.

Trust me, you get to be picky about the paper one reads if youve lived and travelled and had to read papers that might as well be headlined "The Associated Press Daily, with comics!"

Still, once I settle in and get a homebase, Im gonna start having the Sunday Post delivered..

Shit, I miss that.
-------
Im also feeling homesick, having missed the New Yorks first storm of the season.

Just somethin' about it.

Mr Miyagi never forgets, but sometimes, there are Senior Moments

Happy Birthday gg.

I remembered to send the card on the day, but nae the public announcement..

Here ya go Princess. :-)

Youve been a good and kind friend over the years - I dont forget these things.

Fan appreciation

"Hey, New York!" he called from across the street..
"Yo, Keith.. how ya doin?"

Instead of ansering he turned to his lady (who was walking briskly ahead because he had slowed down) and yelled..

"Hey Baby! This is the guy who took those pictures of me!"
"Hey! Nice to meet you! I love you!"

I smiled and waved back, bid Keith an 'dem adieu and kept walking on.

Months after the camera died, I still get that on occasion.

I think Im serposed to accept it gracefully and do what I do.

Im workin' on it.