Saturday, April 21, 2001

Songs going thru my head:

The Best of My Love, Dont Ask My Neighbor, Boogie Wonderland - The Emotions

I cannot find my "Best of The Emotions" CD. Doesnt matter, the only CD player I have is an old portable that needs an adapter.

Laptops circa 1995 didnt come with CD platayers (I just liked that mispelling enuff to leave it be.. I even considered "plahayters" - but that doesnt seem original), in case you all were wondering.
Im nesting...

Not enuff to promptly clean up..hoho no.

Its so bad, that a woman wanted to come up and see the place today - and I hadda demur... insistently.

What with boxes of schtuff strewn all over and pots and pans and foodstuffs not put away because I havent cleaned and wiped out the cabinets, no ...

Gotta get that done. I promised I wasnt gone live the messy bachelor life anymore.
The bad:
- The BRAND NEW Frigidaire is no longer frigid.. and expensive meats are about to rot.

I looked at the back and whoever soldered the pipes, did NOT give a shit.
These things are supposed to last 20 YEARS.. not 2 WEEKS.

- My rent needs to be paid NOW. The landlord is getting insistent.

God, I hate asking to borrow money. Been putting this off for weeks, trying to buy time until I got work..

Belatedly, Ive realized that the main reason Ive been having this much difficulty finding work, is that my resume needs to be totally redone from scratch, not just rehauled.

Previously, its been a magic passport to work whenever and wherever I felt like, but it has gone muddy, organic and stale over the last few years.

Half of my skillset matters not to people who were still in high school in 1997 and think of Salt n Peppa as old school....

Why didnt I recognize and realize that before this?

Probably because I was hoping I could avoid doing that kinda work.

And IT has gotten stale as my skillz have gotten the same way. Im no longer actively trying to improve my skillset.

So now, Im pondering putting in my skillset, things I havent worked with indepth in years. The consensus among the folk Ive asked is I should put that stuff down anyways, if it helps me to get work.
- I felt like I was back down south, as people drove by gawking.

Like theyve never seen a black guy talking to a white woman before.

The older white men were visibly pissed, the black women of all ages couldnt help but stare, the older white women tried not to look. The only ones dealing wid it were the younger guys. At least THEY didnt stare.

I was uncomfortable.

Eh, she was used to it, and laffed it off.. her x (sorta) boyfriend being Puerto Rican from the BoogieDown (the Bronx).

Man, in Staten Island - the stares werent this overt when I walked with Carol (who is Italian, Black and Cherokee), although few folk can pin down her racial identity anyways.
Although, Staten Island is still a part of New York.

Well, this IS New Jersey, not New York across the river.

Bayonne is interesting.

Id actually been pondering the question these last few days...

Then mars asked me how I like being alone again, finally.

I said: I liked it. I truly like being alone. And yet, I needed to feel connected to others to function.

Which is funny, as it shows how much Ive changed over the last year.
Because when people flake on me, I want to disconnect. I turn off the buddy list, turn off the phone, go walkabout.

Kate sez Im far too sensitive.
Just because Im touchy when people lie and flake.
She doesnt know the half of it.

I just dont like being around silly people, and Im not all that expansive in real life anyway.

I can do without.I prefer my own company.
In fact, I rather LIKE being grumpy and anti-social.

Thats why I give people space. I dont EVER want to be thought of as clingy or stalkerish.

I dont want to care THAT much.

But lately, i find myself not necessarily wanting to disconnect, even though I would rather not concern myself with the silly and self-absorbed.

They might think I truly give a shit.

But lately, I just want to *disengage*.. not disconnect. Retreat, not shut everyone out.

I may like my solitude, but I dont want to disconnect forever.

Friday, April 20, 2001

Finally got the old laptop hooked up and running ...

Here are a few of the entries I wrote over the last few weeks, but never uploaded:

The last apartment I had without anyone else living with me (or me them) was a one bedroom efficiency in Jacksonville around 7 years ago.

The apartment in New jersey is a one bedroom efficiency.

The old apartment came furnished in thrift store furniture. The bed was old, and the mattress, someone told me later was a bed that someone had been murdered in.

Ahh, that explained the outline of a large stain on the other side....

This apartment belonged to a guy who split several months ago, after his wild, described as psycho - girlfriend disappeared, supposedly gone to Israel.

No one could discern any reason the widely known local girl would suddenly go to Israel.

The consensus was she has joined the many bodies - legend, folklore and police files has it - that are buried and scattered along the marshes and waterfront of new Jersey.

To anyone's knowledge - no one has filed a missing persons report for either.

I did come across an impressive number of knives in the kitchen.

Among the furniture left behind was a brand new Sealy Prosturepedic mattress, no stains evident.

Im leaning toward keeping it. For luck.

Ahh yes, April showers.

"We shoulda brought along some soap to go with this shower we're takin'.." the woman at the light-rail station quipped.

I peered up through the blinding rain and cold winds of the sudden thunderstorm, barely protected by artistically designed roof of the Exchange Place light-rail station, and smiled wanly, as I scanned through the weather channel forecast on my cell phone...

The day had started out amazingly warm, hitting the upper 70's.. the previous day being foggy damp and in the forties.

"Yeah, the weather on this side of the river can be brutal."

It was so warm, I had debated taking my jacket with me to Manhattan that afternoon.

There was not a cloud in the frikkin sky all day. Who knew the cold front would come back as the evening fell?

According to Weather Channel on my cell, The forecast for the Newark/Jersey City area that evening, was for a slight chance of thunderstorms.

Heh. I coulda used language that was FAR more descriptive.. then I coulda brought my umbrella, anorak and hipwaders along with me.

"Oh man, weather like this.. Id rather take the bus, as it can be brutal waiting for the light rail because of the wind and cold. I only walk from the station when the weather is nice." Eric said afterward.

I collapsed on the futon, cold, soaked and wet, having walked the umpteen blox from the train. If I had taken the bus woulda dropped me a block away from the apartment.

According to the weather channel, today is supposed to be cloudy and in the fifties.

Hm.. I wonder if that means I should wear the snow boots?

Classified ads in the Bayonne edition of today's Jersey Journal:

- Jersey City - Phillipine couple seeks female room-mate. Share kit & bath. $300 mo. Call (201)...

- Bayonne - Multi-dwell Ranch. 4 Br's, 2 LR's, 2 kit, 2 bth, 2 DR's, att garage. Steps to light rail. Reduced price 200k. by owner. by appt (201)...

- Cigarettes - FREE carton by referring a friend! FREE smokers candle with 5+ carton order. Marlboro $19.95, others $9.95. Must be 21! (800)...

(Cigarettes are nearly $5 a pack retail in the metro area. There is a lucrative business in importing cigarettes from where the taxes arent so high. Dont think that the mob isnt involved in this...)

- (732).... Somerset, NJ. $50 an hour. CC ok. 9am to 9pm.

(Prostitution is a perennial moneymaker for the mob, specially in NJ. Read the recent article on where a Lodi, NJ massage parlor was raided and 17 off-duty officers were found to be there. They are still trying to explain why none were arrested....)

- Bi-Curious? Listen/Record ads Free!! (201)... 18+

- Blonde Hot Shemale. Cynthia 44D, 29, 38, 10. *Porn Star Beauty* Irish Massage (201)....


- Rainfall Center. Korean Massage. Table Shower. 10A-11P. (201)...


(Even the mob has to advertise for business, y'know......)

- Hudson City LIQUOR STORE - with lottery. Bldg & Business. Gross Income 900K plus. (201)...

- Looking for lost American Eskimo (White). Last seen 4/3/01. 3 yrs old. 57 to 67 lbs. with cast on left leg. Please call (201)....

Ahhh.. the suburbs....


I looked at the hat and gloves, and wondered if I should take 'em, based on the weather forecast of night temps in the 30's......

I decided that a scarf would be prudent.

I didnt think that I would be out long enough to miss the last NJ Transit light rail and bus to Bayonne.

Thats why I so blithely exited the train from New York at Exchange Place, across the Hudson River from downtown Manhattan at 2am.

Hoboken on the waterfront is notoriously cold and windy. Moreso late at night.

So, I took the lesser of two cold evils as I waited hours for the first morning bus to Bayonne to appear.

Lesson learned.

I'll take the gloves and hat the next time.

"Although I'm not quite the master of my fate as I claim to be, Ive also realized that my life belongs utterly to me, and that it is meant to be savored and not just worked at."
- Greg Levoy

Unpacking my belongings recently taken from storage, I uncovered a motherlode of reference books.

I had forgotten the depth of knowledge I had discarded - no - forgotten.

I had forgotten my power in my desperation to get back working and climb out of the poverty Im drowning in.

The power and the joy wasnt in what I know - its what Ive LEARNED.

I had forgotten it is death for me applying for work I already know how to do. The joy is in learning new things.

Ive been looking for work Ive been tiring of.

Work that was beneath me.

I thought Id learned my lesson from back in the days of looking for insurance work, merely because I had been an insurance examiner, nevermind that I had hated that work.

Apparently not....

"If I had listened to all taste-mongers and fools and critics, I wouldve played a safe game, never jumped the fence, and become a nonentity whose name would not be known to you now.

Or, to change metaphors, I dropped myself off the edges of cliffs, daring myself to build wings while falling, so as to not break myself on the rocks below.

To sum it all up, if you want to create, if you want to write, you must be the most sublime fool that God ever turned out and sent rambling.

You must write every single day of your life."

- Ray Bradbury
How to Be Madder than Captain Ahab

Wednesday, April 18, 2001

Hey now, I think I can DO this job.


Monday, April 16, 2001

SBM looking for work, rent money, nut....

McClint: so what are you gonna do?
JPennant: deal
McClint: 3 card monte? :-)
JPennant: heheh
JPennant: Id strip if I could. :-)
McClint: hahaha

Horrorscope for da week....


This is an important week for you, a week to look ahead and decide what you want to do with your life over the next two or three years. Great changes will soon take place in the working pattern of your life. Don't worry. In the long term, they will be changes for the better.

So, why am I not feelin better?


The decisions you make over the next few days will have repercussions for weeks, months and maybe years to come, so make them wisely and don't be too proud to ask others for advice if you need it. This is not the time to be too independent. Let friends and loved ones guide you.

Yeah, Kate's right. Im gonna have to bite the bullet and ask for help....

You are where you are for a reason, so don't waste time wishing that circumstances were different or that you had taken an alternative path. Everything you need to be happy and successful is well within reach - all you have to do is reach out a hand and take it.

Yeah, yeah, I know.. I am where I am supposed to be.

Doesnt make things ez tho...