Saturday, January 03, 2004

Cuz, you know.. I must share.

Today's horroscope
Being right isn't a hangup for you like it is for so many other people. Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean it's written in stone - it can change at your whim for any reason. Let loved ones know that what doesn't change is your love - it's deep and certain.

JUST because Im usually on the grumpy side, people think Im ALWAYS gonna be like that, sheesh.
Being seemingly thrown into the chaos of a foreign situation is at once intimidating and exhilarating.
Accept your weaknesses and strengths - they are both part of who you are. Knowing yourself will help you build confidence to forge bonds with new people and have relationships, both personal and business, that reflect and uphold your values.

This might be a brash statement, but I feel like a VERY different person than I did on December 29th, 2003.

Moneymaking relies on your ability to first live within your means. While others struggle with the concept of personal responsibility, get the importance of building and maintaining your own life, not trying to live through someone else's experience.

Yeah, building my life.

As I said, it feels a whole lot different already.
I GOTTA get this shit done....

.. is something I mutter to myself, on the hour, every hour to psyche myself up to get my motivation going.

"Did you notice how you said that?"
"Like it's something to be endured, like the task is gonna be painful."
"No! Really? Holy shit, I didnt even realize it came out like that."

I didnt know. Ive been saying that a lot these last few days as Ive been discovering the reasons *why* for a whole buncha shit.

Which means I am changing a lot of my behavior to accomplish the things I am doing this year.


Feels like Freud is peeling my head back. Goodness.
"Only a few years before (1957) the publicity surrounding On the Road, Kerouac had spent weeks of drunken dejection on various skid rows, scribbling poems in his notebook and living like a strung-out wino on pennies a day.

For him, it was the void that any artist fears, and it opened him to the vulnerability artists often need to discover a story."

Reading New York, John Tytell

With the camera and laptop dead, Ive been forced to focus on other things (hence the long and boring crap Im writing).

Of course, productivity can be measured in other ways.

Back in Bayonne, the extreme poverty, although painful, turned me in a direction that I havent looked back from. Even with the limitations, it was a quite productive time of my life.

Having to haunt the Bayonne Public Library was a life-changing experience. As is now chilling at the Berkeley Libraries.

Now, Im being forced to fill the void again, with activities I wouldve paid scant attention to if all tools were on hand.

It is all for the good, I know - but man, it is HARD to sound positive when Im oft-times gritting mah teeth.

The hard road is a productive road, but shit, the potholes can wreck ya in the process.

That's it. Just wanted to get that out.

Makes *me* feel better anyhoo.

Friday, January 02, 2004

After the storm


After a storm in the Bay Area, at sunset (or sunrise) the clouds get painted with this otherworldly light at the tops, with the lower layers contrasting with hues of greys and blacks, the tops resembling everything from cotton candy to citadels of gold.

We've had a few storms the past week.

The cold clears the air, and the view takes away your breath.
"The weather has been like Seattle lately.."
"How so?"
"This is the rainy season and it gets rainy and cold."
"This cold?"
"Nah, colder.. with ice and snow sometimes."
"Heh. Sounds like you dont WANT me to check out Seattle." :-)
"No, no.. go.. but.. the weather.."


And the resolution is..

As usual, I come up with a resolution where I have myself lightly scratching my head wondering just how Im gonna accomplish it. Or if.

It always sounds slightly silly.

Here it is:

Make my dreams come true.

Not "TO make my dreams come true" but "MAKE my dreams come true."

Huh? Huh? Sounds obvious dont it?

Course it does. Cuz Ive been saying it for a long, long time.

People have encouraged me, prodded me, challenged me. Ive set goals, researched, gutted it out.

And yet... no.

Resolutions are about DOING. Results have to be tangible. No wishful thinking.

And it is never ever as easy as it looks, but always a lot simpler than I fear.

Of course.

So, thats what it is...

Make my dreams come true.

All of them.

No ifs ands or buts.


Yo Kate.



I know I know, youre busy and youve got a lot going on.

I miss our

"How you doin'"
"Fine. You?"
"Hangin' in there."

..IM convo's

Except for that one period when I was pissed at you and we didnt talk fer months, we havent not been out of touch for years.

Im aiming to rectify that.

But in the meantime, UPDATE woman.


Brat. :-)

New Year, a Leap year

So again, Im stepping into the great unknown without a net or a plan B.

Taking that leap.

I coulda begged, connived and accepted help and favors to make it easier for me.

Nah, pride and knowing how much damage Good Intentions can cause - I have to decline. Learned my lessons the hard way.

It's far better to be self-sufficient, even though Mira keeps harping on me to learn to accept help. *feh*

Heh, intentional ignorance. The only way to do it.
Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice.

- William Jenning Byant

What I learned this past year.

The resolution in 2003 was to surrender.

The result: I learned to Live, Love and Let Go.

Learned that I had to pay attention to my inner self. My spiritual world.

Could I have done all this in New York? No. I know now that I had to come to California, which has given me the room to *safely* take this path.

New York would have killed me.

So I learned how to live, to relax and let life be what it is. Accupuncture helped. :-)

I learned to love more directly and not let my fears stop me from chancing it. Doesnt mean I have to abandon my common sense, but fear.. no.

I also learned to love folk on a more basic level, to let them in even when I aint feelin it. Although again, no abandoning of common sense.

And to let go. And although letting go as in moving on is a part of it.. it also means learning to let go on a more basic level. To let go of myself. To learn to be still. To not let doubt be as much a factor. To trust in what is.

In fact, its perfectly encapsulated in this old Indian saying/prayer:
Teach us to care, and not to care.

Teach us to sit still

Man, zen kicks ass dont it? :-)
Zo, the year-end review (based on the questions I asked at the end of 2001):

Do you feel the past year has been a waste

Whoo, no. NOW Im understanding the reasons I moved out here.

In the middle of the year, yeah, I felt bitter at the chances I passed up to move on and up.. but now, no.. I had to work on myself.

So, the entire year did NOT suck

Of course not.

Been a year of growth.

Never assume because...

Excerpt from my birth chart

For you, probably the most important aspects of a relationship are integrity and security. You will persevere through many trials in order to make an affair work out, as long as you feel that your partner is equally committed.

Your preference is for straightforward simplicity in a relationship. You want your partner to tell you the truth at all times so you know right where you stand. In return, you are scrupulously honest with your lover, even when it hurts.

It applies to friends AND lovers.

This is why I ALWAYS give these instructions: "Tell me what's up, even if I might not like it, I wont trip. Just tell me."

Heh. Maybe I simply give 'em too much credit, cuz invariably I will getsilence, then the truth much later with much drama.

Oy I HATE that.

So I have to be pre-emptive when I see the signs. Cuz if I dont know whats up, I have to assume the worst.

Oy I HATE that.

The ones who tell me whats up stay my friends for a long long long time. Cuz loyalty is a big deal for me. No, I dont need to know everything or even the whole truth.. just tell me whats goin on. Really, thats it.

Instead, my defensive mechanisms have to kick in and then I have to treat people like idiots and drunken suspects.

Did I mention that I hate doing that too?

The result for those is that I stay friends with the ones that treat me like I have sense.

With the others, I have to assume everything is never on the up and up and I wont trust for years. If ever.

Years. It takes that long for me to relax.

So this segues into another little pet peeve.

Talk to me. Not oblique messages, not play on words, talk *directly* to me. If I want you out of my life, I would have left NO open channels of communication.

I will always leave one open, so that someone can always be able to talk to me.

Otherwise, I just assume the message is not for me and ignore you. As its not my problem or business then.

Yeah, I know - that "like it or lump it" attitude doesnt please everyone, but shit.

Its all about respect.

It goes both ways.

And then, sometimes...

It's not worth caring about.

Wednesday, December 31, 2003

`At 15, I had my mind bent on learning. At 30, I stood firm. At 40, I had no doubts. At 50, I knew the decrees of Heaven. At 60, my ear was an obedient organ for the reception of truth. At 70, I could follow what my heart desired, without transgressing what was right."

- Confucious

AM I happy?



Not where I'd like to be, but where Im supposed to be.

I am alone with many many friends and acquaintances spread all over the world.
The poseurs get weeded out and the real ones stick around, as it should be.

DO I wish I were wealthy and healthy and not having to endure?


Am I slightly afraid that when I move on from this tour of character building, I'll lose a lot of good things?


More than folk who think Im down and out could ever know.

And I give thanks.


I have to move up, and it's time to move on.

Next year, the resolution is to get everything going.

Cuz its time.
daQueen looked at me in my wool beanie cap sticking far up my head, in the bright red North Face coat, and said smiling..

"You look like Frosty the snowman."


I serpose I do at that.

Figgypudding. ;-)

Randoms from 2003

The view over the Bay to San Francisco, from the Berkeley Hills above the UC Berkeley campus.

Shitza, it was cold that day.

Morning coffee from Rainbow Donuts, San Pablo and University

Part of the street scene on Telegraph Avenue

Lotsa old, rusting motorcycles around Berkeley.

UC Berkeley, Finals.

Quirky and cute, Berkeley is.

Music for money in front of the Berkeley BART station.

Mutzu, the cat. Old Deathbreath has lost weight. Worried about him.

Acton House Peace protest project, following them from start to finish

Trevor and his pops

The rains turn everything green after awhile

Aiyah. The notebook was never the same again.

A fellow August 29'er. *Her* name is Madonna. No lie.

Although beautiful, I hardly go into San Francisco anymore.

The parties got old after awhile.

Pretty flowers tho...

George lifted my spirits on a regular basis.

Beautiful place.

There was more...