Saturday, January 05, 2002

To those who've clocked on..

Right now, its just an expeditionary sorte. Basically, Im going for a look-see to gain some experience and exposure.

But it is open-ended.

With Ma having to be in Miami until later this year, there aint no compelling reason for me to hang around.

But. Its all open-ended, as I cant tell the future.
I guess one reason Im hating this Chicago/Canadian type weather pattern is that normally around the New York area, it doesnt STAY cold for extended periods of time..

An indication of how cold it feels is even in the middle of winter, New Yorkers to try to be stylish. (Even if the color happens to be yer all-purpose black).

Right now, its too painful to be stylish. Most everyone is bundling up in hats, scarves and mufflers.

Well, I'll take that back. There are always some folk who will BE fashionable, no matter how much it hurts.

But, I havent seen this many parkas out in a long time. Some folk just arent used to this.
Heh. I'll be..I DID write down my resolutions for 2001.

... if I live through this year, I endeavor:
  • to make improvements in my health, wealth and loves.
  • to continue taking steps to be a better man.
  • To resist my fears and to make anger unimportant.
  • to continue rediscovering my dreams.
  • to improve my creative bent.
  • to continue to learn love and acceptance.

  • Not bad at all. Worked out, cept for the love and acceptance part.
    Although I did start appreciating that the love and acceptance has gotta start wit me.
    Cause with some folk, it often isnt JUST about who am, but what I have. Or dont have.

    With that in mind, I do have another resolution for 2002 and beyond.

    Im gonna try to be nicer to people and make more of an effort to make them matter.

    With that I hope to live a healthy, wealthy, loved and creative life.
    Hopefully, a fulfilling life follows.

    Heh. Still working on that wealthy part.

    Oh yeah, and not to dread the coming of St Valentine's Day this year.

    Heh. Well sheeyit. THAT lived up to expectations.

    It doesnt look like I'll havta worry about Valentine's this year.

    Although one really cant tell the future, can they....

    Friday, January 04, 2002

    "You've got to..
    Know when to hold 'em
    Know when to fold 'em
    Know when to walk away
    Know when to run.."
    - The Gambler

    Almost ten years ago, I picked up a book entitled "Know when to leave", a slim paperback on figuring out the best time to leave your job.
    Because it was in the bargain bin for 50 cents, I picked it up - even though I *thought* I didnt really need it, what with the "well-paying and secure" job I thought I had at the time.

    Good thing I picked it up. That book, long gone, really opened my eyes.

    The reason I mention this, is that of all the things I regret most in hindsight, the most deeply felt is..
    "I shoulda left that (job/relationship/place/situation) sooner."

    It BUGS me when I reflect afterward and think, "I SHOULDA left earlier. I *knew* it back then too."

    That is one life skill that I wish I could hone, as it requires one to reconcile gut feelings with clear reasoning.

    The two are often incompatible.

    My point is... I think its definitely time now.

    Im not in the mood for regrets.
    God, Ive ALWAYS wanted to take a cross-country train trip.

    That would mean Id be cut off from the Internet for five days tho ... hmmmm.

    Yeah, my feet are definitely getting itchy.

    I was reading the current issue of ESPN magazine, where they recounted the tale of a kid who HITCHIKED from Philly to San Fran with naught but 20 bux in his pocket.

    Hell, I drove around the East Coast once starting out with less than 600 bux, ending up with money to spare.

    So, sheeyit...

    Thursday, January 03, 2002

    With the cold, I almost wish it would just snow and get it over with.

    I said "almost", Em. :-)

    People commented on the difference in my pictures when I came back from SF in 2000..

    Different energies...

    September 2000

    6th Avenue and 4th
    Thats a man.

    Yes indeedy.

    Modo ads.
    Had em all over NY in the summer of 2000.
    I was taking pictures of them because they were funny.
    Blew all their cash on the ads before they even introduced the service in NY.
    Their backers pulled the plug.
    I think one of the first of the spectacular Dotcom casualties.

    Funny ads tho.

    Sixth Avenue and West 4th

    Wall Street in front of the Trump building

    The blonde was embarrassed.
    And I HAD to take the picture.

    Nowadays, I dont think you see that sorta flamboyance around NY.

    Canal and Broadway, Chinatown

    Cab going up Amsterdam Avenue, Upper West Side

    Yeah, different energies.
    I had changed when I came back from SF.

    Different time too.

    Wednesday, January 02, 2002

    Helping LilBro clean up Ma's apartment a few weeks ago, we came across a picture of all three brothers together, taken I think in 97 or 98.

    I cringed at the picture of us together arm in arm, smiling.

    "My god, I didnt appreciate just how big I'd gotten over the years."

    I think I wouldve felt worse if I hadnt lost weight this past year.

    That brings us to the year end review:

    Do you feel the past year has been a waste?

    Hell no. A lot of worthwhile things happened.

    So, the entire year did NOT suck?

    In retrospect, it sure has.
    The poverty and uncertainty, yes, does indeed suck.

    But, I also accomplished a LOT in the last year.
    Not as much as I'd like. but *shrug*.

    See, thats the thing about all this...

    Im going through tough times because I NEEDED to make changes. I dont think I would be as driven to make those changes if it were not for the hard choices that limited means forces upon you.

    So.. the good things:

  • Yes, Ive lost quite a bit of weight this last year.
    Partly because of the poverty.
    The daily walking helped too.
    I just hope I have the will to keep it down when times are good again.

    My only regret is that I couldnt afford to partake of Bayonne's and Staten Island's fine dining establishments.. but if I had.. *sigh*

  • My health is a LOT better than it has been, partly for the reason stated above.
    Partly because Ive been away from the stress of living and working in New York proper.

    The time spent in the outer provinces has definitely helped.

  • I am hell bent following my dreams and inclinations.
    This past year, I had the choice to go for the 9-5, or work toward what I feel I should be doing.

    Im making the stubbornly hard choices, and Im paying for 'em.

    But... I feel this is a test.How badly do I want my dreams?

    Badly enough to endure all this. So bad I can *taste* it.

    As I said to someone just now.. bad things often happen for good reasons.

    Last year around this time, I knew I needed to make changes.

    I wanted to lose weight and start a new career.

    Did that. And much more. And thats good.

    Lets hope this year gets better.
    I check my mail daily.. and normally it merely dribbles in.

    I dont get to check my mail for the holidays.. and I have 45 pieces waiting for me.

    Im not complaining.. but whoo.. Ive spent most of my precious library time answering mail.

    But its nice.
    Where am I going? Where will I be?

    Still up in the air as I write.