Friday, January 07, 2005

My resolutions this year are to be more organised, and to get fit/keep the weight down.

And lo, my yearly horrorscope sez:

VIRGO: You've always felt that cleanliness was next to godliness, but this year, you take it to a new level. Perfecting your environment is what 2005 is all about. Why settle for functional when you can have fabulous? And don't you always feel better about arriving somewhere when you've traveled there in style? By eliminating clutter and beautifying your surroundings (including your physical body), you create peace and order on the inside. Start on one troubled room or problem area of your body this month, and work it to perfection.

I swear, I didnt see this before I made the resolutions. My resolutions came from the gut. *cough*

Ironically, although Virgo's are supposed to be the zodiac's neat freaks, I know this to not be empirically accurate.

So, I may have more troule with the organization part.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Simple and soft.

I woke up
just now, after a day when I had to take care of several things. A co-worker saw me waiting and twiddling my thumbs in an office and said sympathetically:

"Youre here to deal with aggravations?"
"I prefer to think of them as Challenges." :)
"Ahh. There are always aggravations."

Actually, I was only aggravated that I'd brought the aggravations upon myself.

I was sitting there thinking the day couldve been a whole lot more productive, if I were a bit more organised and done things when I was supposed to.

But I woke up realising that it isnt as hard as all that.

One step at time. Do what I need to do at the time or before I have to.

Cyn said something the other day:

i do believe that pregnancy and motherhood is all about going soft, in all senses of the word.

Heh. No, Im nowhere near being pregnant or at the mommyhood stage, but Im starting to get that going soft dealie.

I think it was hanging around friends with kids, and how after a day of dealing with the little terrors, day after day after day, they have to be mommy.

They have to be soft to be strong.
I was still thinking over those fuzzy slippers Kate bought for me back in the winter of 2000-2001. Made me kinda fuzzy.

Frankly, Im still sorta amazed weve been friends for longer than I ever thought we'd be.

She sez its because she will never forget I was there for her when things were bad. On my part, its because she is a loyal friend, and has checked in on me almost every day over the years.

Except for New Years greeting, I hadnt talked to her in awhile.

k a t e: IM Administrator: This IM session is being recorded and may be reviewed for compliance by >>big-ass corporation<< through its several divisions.
k a t e: hey:-)
k a t e: its been a while
k a t e: how are you?
JPennant: hey you
JPennant: just woke up
k a t e: :-) good am
JPennant: heheh
JPennant: whats goin on m'dear?
JPennant: I have a meeting at 2 pm
JPennant: I was just remembering the fuzzy slippers you got me back in 2001
JPennant: made me appreciate it even more :-)
k a t e: hehe
k a t e: :-)
k a t e: jsut wanted to say hi
k a t e: thats it
JPennant: cool. *hug*
k a t e: u 2
JPennant: ok, let me go take care of this meeting. be good Kathleen S***** :-)
JPennant: yeah, Im sappy.
JPennant: latah
k a t e: :-D

Sometimes it feels good to be soft.

Just hard for me to do it with everyone.

Fuzzy Wuzzy Was a Polar bear

Years ago
, I stayed with a friend on Staten Island in a 150 year old farm house. I loved that place, but my friend could not keep the heat on as it cost a ton of money to heat it during Staten Island's damp, maritime winters.

I quickly learned that padding around barefoot or even in socks was not practical. Even the cat didnt sleep on those old, cold floors. He preferred me.

Whoo, did I bitch about that.

Kate, responding to my whining, bless her heart - sent me a pair of fuzzy slippers.

I wish I'd kept them thru my travels, for Im feening a pair of fuzzy slippers now.

Remember the january indoor cold in Berkeley, mars? Its worse in San Francisco, apparently.

My floor is now so cold that it feels like an electric shock when I get out of bed ... and I sleep during the DAY.

I am now a big fan of down comforters.

And fuzzy slippers.

Now I need to go get a pair.
The pineapple express is a winter time pacific storm system that brings loads of water and feets of snow to the coasts and mountains of the west.

So, right now - San Francisco is JUST like I thought it was before I came here. Raining almost daily and chilly.

According to the weather forecasters, San Francisco has gotten over 170% of normal rainfall for this period.

The time for wearing Teva sandals is so over, as the place brings new meaning to 'puddle jumpers' and 'hypothermia'.

Dont worry clint, it'll clear up by the time you get here.

I think.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Clear resolution

JPennant: ok, figured out my resolutions this year
JPennant: for me, they're biggies
gabz: ahhhh
JPennant: even tho they might not seem like it
gabz: i resolve to not have a resolution this year. ;-)
JPennant: heee
JPennant: dont believe you :-)
gabz: no, really. :-)
JPennant: well, thats good :-)
gabz: hahah
JPennant: i remember back in 2003, I resolved to open myself up, to surrender
gabz: to other people? or to possiblities in life?
JPennant: alla that yup
JPennant: to love, to homelessness, to life in california :-)
JPennant: i actually asked a woman to marry me!
JPennant: for a commitment phobe like me, that was HUGE
gabz: *hugs*
JPennant: :-)
gabz: yeah, i remember your quandary
JPennant: yeah, it opened me up
JPennant: and the homelessness part was tough
JPennant: but i had to embrace and follow through all the way with it.
JPennant: personally, i think everyone should go through extreme poverty
gabz: i've never been homeless, but, i have been broke before.
gabz: it sucks. and it makes you appreciate stuff a LOT
JPennant: yes, verily
JPennant: it made me focus and not worry about status.
JPennant: and it also opened me up to other people.
JPennant: who helped me, even though they had nothing themselves.
gabz: aww
gabz: that sort of restores my faith in humanity
JPennant: yeah, so that was a good resolution, all in all :-)
gabz: :-)
JPennant: so this year is a biggie
JPennant: seems simple, but i know that it'll have deep consequences
JPennant: its actually two, but in my mind.. theyre linked
JPennant: - get organised. be organised.
JPennant: - start losing weight, getting fit
JPennant: Theyre both about lightening my load
gabz: :-)
gabz: yeah, that's been a goal of mine for the past half a year.
gabz: it'll continue to be so
gabz: but, not really a resolution
JPennant: well, same thing here..
JPennant: its been something I said I should be doing
gabz: :-)
JPennant: but making it a resolution makes it a *priority*
gabz: weelll..considering how well you did with your last one...
gabz: keep up the tradition

Yeah, that did turn out okay, didnt it.

Reality rarely hits ya until you run out ...

- The warning light on the gas gauge starts flicking.
- The prison door clangs shut behind you.
- She doesn't send any more messages.
- The bank balance dips below the pocket cash level.

Thats when you go .. ah shit.

For me, its when I saw how much target charged me for ordering a microwave cart online.

29.99. What a deal, eh?

47.11. Tax. Shipping.

50 bux.

WTF?? I coulda trekked down to the Tarjay's in Daly City (I think thats the one closest to San Francisco) and spent 3 bux on bus fare.

I spent 51 bux on DVD's at Rasputin. WHAT was I thinking???? I had only intended to get one DVD. And a used one at that.

Ive been buying a lot of 7 dollar Thai food and restaurant meals lately. A lot.
In fact, i havent been to the grocery store in weeks. Ive been eating out constantly.

Ive used the ATM more often than I imagined I would.

Ok, enough.

Of course, its easy to say 'enough' when youre getting broke and payday is a long ways away... but really: Enough.

I thought I had learned my lessons. That I had planned and budgeted. Was gonna be prurient and frugal. Spend only when necessary. Learned how to live waaay under my means.

Apparently not.

The gas gauge light is flicking.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005


I just
woke up, drooling and snargling.. indicative of a good and deep crash. Felt good.

Very good.

Especially since I can do it again.

I LIKE having days at a time to stay in and decompress.

Usually at this time of night, Im preparing to get ready to go into work, so its not a full day of rest. Then during the day, because its business hours, there are often things to do, when Id rather be getting rest.

This is my first full 'day' off since before the holidays AND I worked the holidays AND the days before and after them.

If I dont get one day Full of Rest, where I can sleep in uninterrupted, I get quite stressed out and cranky. I am not nice to be around when that happens, which is good that Im usually alone on the graveyard shift.

But Ive got a series of meetings during the day over the next few days, fucking with my staying in time. Ugh.

I can see it now, Im getting 'work creep'. I was afraid of this.

If Im working, I dont wanna think about work or who I am employed for when Im not at work. But I have to prepare for work hours before I get in. I have to worry about meetings when Im not scheduled. A lot of my activities revolve around my work time.

All for a paycheck and bennies.


I gotta remember this job is a short term ways and means. This is not my life. And with my workaholic tendencies, its easy for me to let work become my life.

So, fuck 'em when Im not there.

See? I get cranky when I dont get my decompression time.
Im taking pictures again.

Feels good.

It's been a year and a half since I last had a camera in my hand for more than a few minutes. So, Im getting used to it, even tho Im primarily shooting at night and overcast days.

Feels good, even tho it took a few days to learn how to HOLD it correctly ("I put my thumb THERE??? Oh, it feels right now. Why wasnt that in the manual?").

The pictures are getting better too, as it comes back to me.

I can hear it now. Why arent they up for view yet?

*sigh* Because.