Tired. Was out in Manhattan. Hung out with friends. Not feeling too hot all day.
Stress still affects me.
Wasnt gonna post anything for the rest of the weekend, but this is too addictive for us verbose folk.
As Im struggling to consolidate my contacts... Im feeling a little peeved toward some folk..
The ones who feel its FUCKING NECESSARY TO HAVE THREE OR MORE PERSONAL E-MAIL ADDRESSES.
Im sorry, even back in the day when I had over 30 distinct and active personal addresses, I never actively used more than two.
With my domain, I could have more than that.. but I only use one there and my yahoo account for personal contacts.
Dont people know how fucking irritating it is to keep that crapp straight?
Its hard enough just keeping track of a personal and a bizness address.
There are some who enjoy shifting their personalities.. and more power to 'em.
Doesnt mean I have to like it.
Got a referral from tricianna's site for something I wrote a month ago.
Looking back, a lot has happened for me since then.
Not much in the sense of material progress, but much in internal growth.
Only a month. Goodness.
Feels like a growth spurt.
With more to come as changes swing into effect.
Reading back a month ago, the last entry in this group.. doesnt bear repeating, I think.
I'm trying not to try too hard, as that just makes it harder.
At least now, Im open to other things......
Saturday, March 17, 2001
It should be snowing, and according to the weathermen, it is snowing upstate and north of the city.
Instead, there is just the patter of light rain outside.
Part of the reason I decided to stay in New York is that, unlike the Midwest norm, it doesnt STAY winter through April.
By comparison, the winters are usually mild here.
In fact, until this past winter, you could taste spring around here as early as february.
Its almost April, but at least we can taste the warmth of springtime coming.
Let it rain.
Friday, March 16, 2001
Admit it, You're Rich.
The US Trust ad in the current issue of Fortune magazine, done in old-style picture and text advertising style grabbed my attention, as good advertising should.
Yes, its a blatant shill, but it kept me focused on the message as I read all the way through.
I am not against money.
I used it to motivate me through years of hard training as I set myself on a career path to give me the things I felt I always wanted.
Yes I want to be rich.
To paraphrase Debbi Kempton-Smith, "Money is freedom. It gives you options. It keeps you cool in the summer and warm in the winter. It can even buy you love, if thats what you want."
She was talking about her famous economist father - who ironically was an iconoclast about money. He would make massive amounts at the firms , so that he could take care of his family, and then when he had enough - quit to go fly-fishing.
He had his priorities.
Carol laughingly said "You are a schemer, you are.." - as I told her the possibilities of the Project of My Dreams. She's known me a long time.
The other day, RobG kept bugging me to tell him exactly what it was Im planning to do.
What he was really asking me was what was the business idea I had, and how did I plan to make money with it.
He's also known me a long time.
I kept putting him off his persistent queries with "Its not about the money."
And it really isnt. I dont want to poison this with dreams of money, to try to become financially self-sufficient with it.
I just want to do it, and if the money comes, all the better.
Plus, I didnt want to tell him, because there are poeple who will hijack a good idea, because theyre all looking for the surefire way to money.
Nah, my dreams dont have a price on them.
The co-founder of Visa International, to keep his team focused - would periodically remind them, that all of money systems and instruments and profits they were building was all an illusion.
It was built on belief.
The belief was more important than the money. Which made money.
Which itself, is based on belief.
So, Im not putting a price on my dreams, but if done right, the laws of universal energy will give me a good return on my investment.
"Admit it, You are Rich."
In my organizing, I have started consolidating my contacts info.
Ive only made half-hearted attempts over the years for a reason.
But the need has never been more critical, so I started today.
That effort put me out for a few hours as I stared at multiple CSV files.
It's proving to be a pain in the arse trying to merge everything into one master file.
I may have to just manually type/cut and paste everything into a new file.
There is no easy way.
But it will make my life easier if I do.
Sistah Cyn took umbrage at my assertation that Virgos arent truly freaky.
You dont have to show proof, honey. :-)
I shoulda clarified..
Virgos are as freaky, kinky, nasty and athletic as anybody.
But they do have this quirk because of how they handle their emotions:
They can only be free with people they care about and
can relax with.
Its like they have a double key system for unlocking their sexuality fully.
Their always analytical and critical minds have to be turned OFF and disengaged and the emotions have to turned on and ENGAGED.
Even the most sex kittenish of us has to feel *right* before we'll go down.
Unless theyve been hurt and angry, even the promiscous ones dont stay that way for long.
Channel-surfing the other dawn.. I finally got to see "Blazing Saddles" in all its uncensored glory.
Amazingly, for the first time ever. Uncensored, that is.
Oh my gawd, that shit is FUNNY.. SPECIALLY with all the bad words left in. :-)
As an aspiring writer.. I particularly appreciate this quote:
LAMARR: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
TAGGART: Gol darnit Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier'n a twenty dollar whore.
Heehee. I get off on good n' raunchy double entendre's. :-)
SHERIFF BART: What are your pleasures? What you like to do?
WACO KID: Oh, I don't know. Play chess, screw.
SHERIFF BART: Well let's play chess.
Gotta get it on DVD..
REV. JOHNSON: Oh Lord, do we have the strength to carry on this MIGHTY task in one night? Or are we just jerking off?
I may be quoting Blazing Saddles a lot in the future.. :-)
Thursday, March 15, 2001
The little bugger gets into everything.
But the HappyCat sure is glad to see me back at the ranch, chirping and doing his furry eel impression.
I'll miss him when I go to New Jersey, everloving pain that he is.
He has gotten ornery tho.. doesnt stay in your arms for too long anymore before he jumps out.
But he still wants his affection.
I hear that.
THERE IS A PERIOD WHEN IT IS CLEAR
THAT YOU HAVE GONE WRONG
BUT YOU CONTINUE
SOMETIMES THERE IS A
LUXURIOUS AMOUNT OF TIME
BEFORE ANYTHING BAD HAPPENS
Oh god, yes. Amen too.
Because Ive stubbornly neglected to grow up in certain ways, Im having to deal with the consequences all at the same time now.
Gah. If I had only *appreciated* the consequences back then, and even recently.
To have hindsight beforehand. oh man.
Im not speaking to a friend because I disagree vehemently with how she deals with negotiating thru life.
I keep sayin she shouldnt have to.
She thinks Im just nagging her and not helping.
But sometimes you dont appreciate what life and people are insistently telling you until much later.
I didnt listen when I was her age either. Or when I was older for that matter. :-)
Its not about understanding the message, its appreciation for what the message actually means.
But, I may have been nagging a bit.
Im stubborn, sue me.
Tonight, Im having this jag going about getting organised..
What with getting back into support for the filthy lucre and all that it entails.
The soul sucking routine of fighting fires, current/past due and critical projects, spec, research, documentation.. and THEN trying to get my projects of my dreams off the ground and THEN trying to stay creative..
I dunno how fred duzzit.
I'd BETTER be organized.
Ok, more later - but I'd better go answer e-mail and clean up my mailbox first.
First things first.
I am SOOO sorry, Cyn.
I know, the Jedi Mind Trix work TOO well.. :-)
Can Virgos *truly* be freaky tho?
- Joey Tribbiani 'Friends'
Happiness is having Fortnum and Mason seedless raspberry preserves fresh off the plane from London ON the best bagels in Brooklyn. :-)
Fiend, Tammy, fiend. :-)
Wednesday, March 14, 2001
I do miss the camera.
As I headed into Manhattan yesterday afternoon, the brisk wind whipped across the bay, creating deceptive whitecaps.
The clouds alternated between puffy and haze/rain clouds over the city, as the bright blue peeked out.
As beautiful as San Francisco is, the view across New York Bay holds it own, although most folk havent seen it unless they take the ferry.
The view is also deceptive, as the buildings look normal sized.
Until you focus on one to figure the scale and then realize the scale across miles of water and expanses of sky plays tricks on your perspective.
New York Bay is six miles from the tip of staten island to manhattan. Two-thirds the length of manhattan itself.
It doesnt look that far.
Its a grand view.
The ferry pounded those whitecaps, sending spray all the way up to the second deck of the ferry, 30 feet up.
The wind got fierce as we got traversed the bay, but didnt have that bite of recent months.
Yeah, its spring.
As we pounded past the Statue of Liberty, the front deck got quite crowded as people kept coming out to enjoy the breeze and the stunning view.
Man, I wish I had the camera. It was grand.
The moist, chewy, yet crusty goodness of the best bagels in Brooklyn.
Thank ya, Kate.
You know theyre good when you'll happily eat them plain.
In my search on e-bay and New York Loot for the perfect cheap laptop, a few thoughts occured...
- A LOT of people over-estimate how much their schtuff is worth, specially on e-bay. Some just want the cash, specially in Loot ..
I love Loot . :-)
- I have a feeling a lot of folk are selling their company-supplied laptops.
- Some New Yorkers have far too much money, spend too much of it, and think too little of how much theyre losing.
- Loot appears on Friends occasionally (you cannot miss that distinctive yellow newsprint) to give Central Perk that authentic New York feel.
Sometimes, cast members and extras are loitering around intently reading it.
In New York, Loot is NOT considered casual reading, so its HIGHLY unlikely you will see half the folk in a coffee shop reading it. If any.
If they want authentic props - In a REAL coffee shop there should be stax of used sections of the New York Times lying all around.
It is THE intellectual paper, dontcha know. In Manhattan, the Post and Daily News is considered trash.
In the boroughs however, reading the Times marks you as effete and pretentious (as the neighborhoods of Brooklyn Heights, Park Slope, Riverdale etc etc are considered.). Wanna-be Manhattanites most likely.
Im just sayin'.
You are who you are for a reason, and there is no point wishing you were someone else. That, in a nutshell, is the message today, so stop wasting time fantasizing about who you would like to be and focus on making a better job of who you are.
Then you'll be happy.
Thats what I said...
Tuesday, March 13, 2001
Living at the YMCA taught me a lot of things..
From the brothers I learned an adults perspective about sex, money, music, philosophy, politics etc etc etc. A lot of wisdom was imparted to me.
Importantly, I tried to listen and understand.
And yet when the subject of being under 30, they would just shake their heads and say "You have NO idea yet."
There was just some things they couldnt teach me.
Sho nuff.. its getting deep years after 30 passed...
Talking to Gigi..
gigi: it would be *nice* to work only 6 mos/year!
JPennant: If I actually worked, I would agree. :-)
gigi: joe, you could work. it is your choice. :-)
JPennant: This might sound odd to you..
gigi: odd? tell me!!! :p
JPennant: Most clients end up offering me a permanent job
JPennant: In fact, the last photographer I worked with did
JPennant: when he did, I just wanted to turn around and flee
gigi: you don't like feeling confined like that?
JPennant: Its not a matter of being confined.
JPennant: It may sound odd, but my basic nature is that of a workaholic.
JPennant: When I was younger, I woulda freaked out and taken the first decent job offered.
gigi: but now, you know what it's like, so you're not worried. they'll always be a job for you, it's just a matter of you wanting it
When I was younger, I used to be disdainful of those who didnt want to work.
Hey, I thought it was a simple matter.
Now I find I can be classified as a hippie drop out.
I have a LOT of respect for those trying to live their lives a certain way....
It aint easy and it requires a lot of guts.
Stubborness, if you will.
JPennant: There is a reason Im not looking for the ez 9-5.
gigi: and what is that reason?
JPennant: Hard to explain, but it has something to do with choosing a path, and how difficult it is to get back on the path you want once you step off it.
gigi: like a rollercoaster, sorta. once you get on, you can't get off, at least for a little while. until it stops. and then, you're all disoriented.
JPennant: No, its more like switching trains, and catching one that turns out to take you far from where you want to go.
JPennant: Notice how much of a hassle it is to get back on the right track?
JPennant: I dunno if Im on the right train, but I know Im on the right track.. and I dont want to jump off this track.
gigi: and where do you think this track leads?
gigi: do you have any ideas?
JPennant: oh yes.
gigi: care to share?
JPennant: I would, but Im only now just starting to appreciate it.
gigi: heh. gotcha
I dunno if she did. But I'm telling ya - crossing the age of 30 is important because of this:
You start realizing you are running out of time.
You start APPRECIATING shit.
There is a reason the military prefer their soldiers to be under 30....
JPennant: I used to think I had it all figured out. :-)
gigi: that's what everyone thinks at one time or another, right? ;-)
JPennant: heheh. yep.
JPennant: Along the way, In figuring things out.. I forgot my dreams
JPennant: Im only now rediscovering them.
JPennant: The trick is shedding the extraneous baggage I accumulated along the way, so that I can focus on what Im supposed to be doin.
gigi: extraneous baggage..... keep your life simple, right?
JPennant: Well, thats partly it
gigi: and what life are you on now?
JPennant: but the 'baggage' also includes attitudes, fears and the like that Im realizing are hindering me.
gigi: what are you afraid of?
JPennant: being broke, alone, hurt etc.
JPennant: All the mechanisms I put up to defend myself from those things are turning out to be hindering , not helping.
gigi: do you think it would help if you let your guard down a little? perhaps you are shielding yourself away from someone/something that could actually help you?
JPennant: oh yes.
JPennant: I wish it only took a day to do that.
JPennant: and if it were as simple as letting ones guard down
gigi: yeah, i know. but that is an important first step. you have to learn to trust
JPennant: the persona and attitudes worked well for me for a long time
gigi: trust other people, trust yourself.
JPennant: dahlin, if you only knew the half of it.
JPennant: Let see
<*private shytte snipped*>
gigi: omigosh! i had no idea!
JPennant: There are good reasons for having my guard up
JPennant: Right now Im trying to move on....
JPennant: Im trying to prove there is no reason for me to have my guard up.
JPennant: Because Im better than that.
gigi: but i can understand. things like that can really scar a person. and sometimes they take awhile to get over b/c what gurantees do they have that it will never happen again? that it could be different next time?
JPennant: Im trying to get to the point where it doesnt matter.
gigi: i'm sorry you were so hurt. :-(
JPennant: Thats the thing ... my defenses work :-)
gigi: i see. :-)
JPennant: Even so, at this stage of life, they are hindering me, keeping me back.
Yep. My defenses are quite effective.
Im not this way 'just because'...
But those defenses are making me miss out on some of the joy of life...
JPennant: now, money wise.. thas another, yet related matter.
JPennant: If I had money, would I feel like Im on the right track?
JPennant: When I HAD money, I thought i was.
JPennant: It was a pair of bounteous boobs that made me realize I wasnt. :-)
gigi: never had 'em, never will!
JPennant: Well, these boobs were attached to a woman I wouldve done ove rand over in a heartbeat.
JPennant: To be fair though she isnt so shallow that its only money that wouldve kept her with me..
JPennant: It IS money that wouldve gotten those boobs. She was the one who whispered in my ear. "Wow, youre a good catch.. where do you keep the money?"
JPennant: She was joking. But not by much. :-)
JPennant: But.. I didnt want her that badly.
JPennant: And I didnt want my life w/money that badly.
gigi: yeah, 'cuz that's not what's important to you
JPennant: Even tho I WANTED money and those ta-ta's. :-)
gigi: yeah, ok joe. as long as you're being honest about it! ;-)
JPennant: The bigger question was .. what was it did I want so badly that I could taste it??
gigi: umm.... companionship? fun? sex?
JPennant: All that can be bought.. and not for a whole helluva lot either.
JPennant: Its enlightening that the biggest urge I had with **** wasnt sex?
JPennant: No, what I wanted to do for her was to 'protect her dreams'
JPennant: as corny as that sounds.
gigi: hmmm.... i wonder what that really says? i would think in an ideal situation, there would be both. the sexual and the emotional urges.
JPennant: But that was vitally important to me.
JPennant: In any case, after awhile I realized that it was just as important to protect MY dreams.
JPennant: The dreams I thought were gone and lost after all the years.
JPennant: Your dreams and soul shouldnt be that cheap as to set a price on them.
JPennant: or be willing to set a price on them.
Thats about when I realized...
A reason we throw away or dreams or soul is that we often get to the point where we are willing to set a price on them.
Our dreams and soul arent ours to sell.
They are that valuable.
gigi: joe, i would love to get into a more philosophical conversation about this, but right now, i have to go to a meeting.
JPennant: Yar. :-)
gigi: i hope you're doing ok. i do worry about you, you know!
JPennant: Thanks for the insights, princess mochi :-)
gigi: haha, talk to you soon!!
Wow. That was deep.
Getting to the ferry just seems to be too much gottdamned trouble.
Not even the craving I have for Starbux is motivating me.
Now, that is scary.
C'est la vie...
....... as long as it's meant to be.
We were talking about the Mac Dual G4 he had just purchased, a very nice machine - and the discussion turned to what I wanted, naturally.
JPennant: This is what Im jonesing for, by the way. :-)
McClint: too bad ya dont have an old 5300 that you could trade in for a G3 Powerbook
JPennant: hm? Why?
McClint: apple has a trade in program in place for a limited time. trade inyour PB 5300 + $1300(?) and geta G3 Powerbook
JPennant: a G3-500?
McClint: dont think its that fast. lemme see if i can find the page
JPennant: 1600 bux. I could get my hand on a 190.. but eh. More monet than I wanna spend on a machine.
McClint: you could do it :-)
JPennant: Nah. I figure, right now.. poverty behooves me to get a G3-333 offa e-bay for 800 bux or less.
McClint: hehe yeah
McClint: you're really jonesin
JPennant: For laptops, yeah
JPennant: you know why I really want laptops?
JPennant: So I can write.
McClint: to type your blogs while sitting in the park?
McClint: hehehe yeah i figured
JPennant: I realized it when I had the Toshiba 7000CT for awhile
JPennant: I totally ignored the plentium. I just preferred the laptop over all else.
McClint: where would ya go to write?
JPennant: Anywhere I felt.
McClint: would whipping out a laptop on the subway be advised?
JPennant: I even did that too
JPennant: subway, planes, airport terminals, sofa.. didnt matter.
JPennant: The 7000 is a light, slim laptop
JPennant: made it easy to carry around and to use. Felt like a notepad.
McClint: yeah. i thought about an iBook cuz of the handle
JPennant: I would too, but that thing looks and feels like a toy.
JPennant: Heheh. Calm down.. nuttin against it, now :-)
JPennant: But Im a heavy duty user, so I need heavy duty machines
JPennant: but, until I had the Toshiba 7000, I didnt think of light laptops as heavy duty (eg: See piece o' crap Sony)
McClint: as long as it wont break while sitting on your lap
JPennant: Shoot. I abused that bad boy. :-)
JPennant: Literally. :-)
JPennant: Next time I'll get a laptop lining :-)
McClint: hehehe a wetsuit!
Yeah. For some reason, it feels easier to write on a laptop.
Makes me feel like a more bona fide writer.
Laptops and a beret. Yeah.
Soon I'll be wearing black turtlenecks and chewing on nasty french cigarettes....
Monday, March 12, 2001
Im not really. Its all in good humor.
Its a Virgo thing...
Fellow Virgo tricianna comments:
OMG, Joe, where'd you find that guy!? I swear, it's almost creepy that he wrote down exactly what I've been thinking all these years. =)
I didn't know it THOSE were all Virgo traits. Yay! Finally I can just rack it up to the stars ...
Unless you are, or you have an SO who is a Virgo.. you'd prolly not get the hooplah.
We are just.. different. :-)
I doubt we truly understand ourselves.
Like Spock, we are a whole lot more complicated than we appear.
Even to the folk who know us.
This guy, born 8/28 is a Virgo all right.
In his bio, he lists stuff that most Virgos I know regard as a mantra....
What people dont like about me:The fact that I really don't need them.
Not afraid of: Hurting other people; responsibility
Afraid of: Hurting those I love
Yar. Those pesky people and the silly emotions they have.
And of course.. :-)
Biggest advantage: "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
Yah, tis a Virgo thing indeed. Heheh.
Sunday, March 11, 2001
Hmm.. must be sumthing about furry, purry cats curled up with ya on a couch that'll put you into a deep sleep...
In this case tho, it must've been the vastly-more-boring-than-anticipated showing of The Lone Gunmen that had me snoring on the couch curled up with Moo faster than a rhino-jacking dose of Nyquil....
"A dozen bagels.. oh, and a plain bagel with lox."
"No cream cheese?"
Fresh lox? There are other kinds? Damn, Im still a tourist.. ohkay.. executive decision...
To the guy ringing up my purchases...
"...Bagel wit lox.. 5 dollars..."
"Wait. FIVE dollars??!!!"
"Yeah, thats why I asked you 'fresh' lox."
"Dude.. still.. FIVE DOLLARS???"
"Lox is 20 bux a pound."
Please. I can get Lox for TEN bux a pound. But thats in Brooklyn. And I was standing at a bagel joint in Staten Island, seriously jonesing for a hot bagel wit lox this morning. I shoulda haggled.
It was good, but FIVE DOLLARS?? Gottdamn.