Saturday, May 03, 2003
It's been a long week and a hard one so far.
Ive been vulnerable and open to people and that has been frankly awesome, but right now Im tired and I feel emotionally whipped.
Im tired of being hit where it hurts. Too many people have joined in on the fun. Too many technical snafu's have abounded.
My fortitude is staggering a bit.
Yep, sounds just like the last merc retrograde.
I used to never believe in the concept of a mercury retrograde (which started around last monday and comes every 3 months or so) and I wonder if ignorance isnt bliss. But over the years, Ive started to see its a period of time when things go awry as humans seem to lose their sense of place. Its difficult to quantify and hard to prove, but Im not doubting there is something going on....
Even tho it seems thats its all for the good, the pain can suck frankly.
And I tend to hit back when tagged.
Cause Im now tired of it.
allaboutgeorge: Sun's out; I'm surprised you aren't.
JPennant: *sigh* Merc retrograde. Right now, Im just kinda recovering by sitting in Kinko's and writing.
JPennant: Its been a pretty horrible week.
JPennant: I didnt know you were busy snapping pictures when my back was turned. Sneaky, yo. ;-)
allaboutgeorge: Not too many pictures.
allaboutgeorge: I can't do everything overtly, now.
JPennant: I unnerstand the procedure, just a different feeling when YOURE the one being stalked and tagged ;-)
allaboutgeorge: D'jeet yet?
JPennant: cuppa coffee and a bagel this morn to calm my nerves, thas it.
JPennant: Im in country song mode
JPennant: "I pissed off my girlfriend"
JPennant: "my room mate threw me out"
JPennant: "aint no hope o money"
JPennant: "and Im JUST looking for a place in to sleep in the honey"
JPennant: Oh wait.. thats a blues riddim
JPennant: Da dada DUM.. dadumdadum.. da da daDUM.. dadumdadum
JPennant: So, my girlfriend still loves me, but made it clear if I ever fuck with her sense of freedom, she's gone.
JPennant: but Im back in the tenderness
JPennant: I may be out of a place, and facing hanging out in a bus station, but I feel free
JPennant: I shaved off my beard, so I feel less homeless
JPennant: and somehow, I get the sense that if I stay on track, it wont be as perilous as I believe, while I continue my mission.
JPennant: So, yeah - Im ok. I think. :-)
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
JPennant: You know what Pa.. forget getting me a ticket for (a possible trip). Save me up some flyer miles for when I really need it. :-)
But I really wanted to say - thank you for offering. :-)
JPennant: That means more to me.
LilBro: No doubt son
LilBro: We still brothers
JPennant: We are. Love you man.
LilBro: Luv U 2 son. DONT TELL NOBODY
You know, Im tired of being stuck here in Berkeley.
The maritime influenced weather never ENDS. They dont expect a heat wave until October.
I want warm summer nights, 24 hour diners.
Los Angeles has a summer, right B or Jules?
JPennant: Im feeling restless again.
george: Time to hit the road?
JPennant: I think south.
george: az.? n.m.? tx.?
JPennant: Maybe LA. Im not done with california yet. :-)
Dude, what happened?
My laptop, I dont know where my laptop is.
Its nowhere to be found.
Urg. All that time I spent upgrading and working on it. Wasted. All that money on RAM and a new hard drive. Gone.
What truly pissed me off was that *I* was more determined to find it than he was.
I put my heart into shit. Ive literally stumbled into the hospital because of the stress of work. I take things way more seriously than often warrants, its because I do it because I want to, rarely because Im simply getting paid.
So - for my own peace of mind, I have to do it again... detach and just let it be.
Its out of my control.
I cant sweat the guy, cuz its his property, not mine. He's out thousands, not me.
Its not my pain, so why get so worked up about it?
A long time ago, I had a co-worker who actually had a button made that said "Its not my job." He wore the thing every day.
I still remember it. Big, with florid purple letters - "Its Not My Yob".
This was his mantra, which allowed him to not not waste his time, sweat the small stuff, the pettiness or the silly people..
Fuck that his bosses didnt like it, or it pissed people off. He didnt care, as they could do nothing about it. He was right.
All he had to concentrate on were the things he was concerned about, the things he was paid to do. Everything else was simply not his concern.
A couple of years ago, I got bent horribly out of shape over some girl. Eventually a thought occurred to me.. "This isnt my job. Its her boyfriends job - the one she chose for the job - to deal with her lies, her whims, her dreams. Not mine. It aint my job.".
I wish I could say that immediately gave me the freedom to just be, it took awhile longer. She was used to the juice of my affection and didnt want to give that up - nor her freedom.
*laffs* Its funny now. I was pissed at her for something that was in my control.. it wasnt her job either.
Eh, I was stupid. Her freedom wasnt mine to give her anyway, not my job.
So laptop gone? Fine. You dont want to confront someone who might have taken it? Not my job. Go get another one.
Why keep myself overly locked up over something that isnt mine anyway. She wasnt ever really mine to hold. Nor is another man's property.
Heh, it isnt my job.
I wonder how old Mr Johannsen is these days?
I want to give him another button, thanking him for the wise words.
It'll say "Just be".
Heheh, knowing him - he'd prolly chuckle and say "I already knew this, Joe." :-)
You know what.. I gotta be me. If he needs help, I'll do what I can.
He's my friend.
I was gonna cook some rice, but was told to finish off the leftover mashed potatoes. I hadnt touched it before, and it tasted uncomfortably salty - not the way I had cooked them, but hey.
Turned out cream, butter and salt had been added after. And it was nearly a week old in the fridge.
I found this out nearly passed out on the couch, curled up in a ball.
Eh, it wasnt so bad, even though it hit me a mere 30 minutes after ingesting.
Nothing a quick can of sprite couldnt alleviate. (Southern remedy.)
*sigh* One more thing in this life to be wary of and to ask the right questions...
"Did you add anything to the food?"
A Day in the Life
Bancroft and Telegraph Avenue, Berkeley
Bancroft Avenue, running west from the Berkeley Hills to downtown Berkeley - serves as a permeable barrier between the physical campus of Cal-Berkeley and Berkeley itself.
The difference in the air on each side of the street is marked, because even though the Cal-Berkeley campus is contained within the limits of the city, it is most definitely NOT the city of Berkeley.
It is state and federal land, which means that there isnt anything on one side of the street that ISNT the school, and therefore no commercial activity (apart from a school store).
The rules of the city does not apply. They set each other apart in not-so-obvious ways that isnt clear to a first-time visitor. Berkeley and the University, especially with its large government labs in the hills coexist in a fractious but closely symbiotic state.
Subtly, based on the architecture and the foot traffic of mostly students - the air is slightly schizoid. From the grand architecture of the playing fields to the hills where unauthorized visitors are turned away from the government labs, it's quiet but feels slightly ... odd.
A subtle albeit palpable difference that is hard to quantify, but its there.
Telegraph Avenue, feeding into Bancroft..
Then, Bancroft itself where the tone, almost abruptly, changes.
And with the university, flyers abound.
Its the same sorta thing youd see all over Berkeley itself, but concentrated.
Then back to Telegraph, back to Berkeley
And then the sun came out as I turned onto a side street