Playing:

Back to Life

Soul II Soul
- Keep on Movin'
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When I was younger... I asked potential partners, family and others to give something.

I craved it more than anything else, even if I would be loathe to admit to anyone.

For this was, and is, my greatest want and need.

To have faith in me. I had potential and I was going to get somewhere.

Just come along.

I was bitterly disappointed to find that few could, or would see it.

That was the bitterest of hurts.

No one could see me clearly to have faith in me. Was how I saw it.

Hell yeah, I took that personally. Still do.

Over the years, I had to swallow the bitter tears, buried the hurt and dealt by telling myself I had to not give a fuck about them to survive.

Not waste my time on them.

Over the years, the chip on my shoulder grew in size and I could see little good in the intentions of others. If they would do the worst, they would.. and I based my world-view on that.

Didnt help that people kept validating that expectation.

I got good at it, figuring out the patterns of people... you arent a gambling man if you bet on the worst impulses of human nature.
Its a sure thing.

Or, as the old saying goes "Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst."

Over the years, out of neccesity really, I gained hope in the ways of the universe, the nature of love, acceptance and faith.

Faith had to be first, because that meant trusting in what you hope to be true. You needed validation, even if nothing seemed forthcoming.

This past week, I didnt know what was wrong.. I couldnt seem to find direction or think properly.

Then last night, I tasted the familiar and I knew then what it all was.. the bile of anger.

Its been a regular recently.. but with the frustrations of recent past, I realized this was DEEP.

So deep I couldnt think.

Friendships were disappearing, and I wasnt caring.

Took me awhile. This was anger on an order of magnitude that seeped out of my carefully built containment chambers and clouded my functions to the point I was having trouble going forward.

Today, the fuses were short, and they were being lit all morning. My tolerance for foolishness was, and is nil.

Today was not a good day to push my buttons, no matter how I tried to control it. Some folk found out.

So, I told someone who voiced concern that I was going out for a walk and some coffee.

I ended up at the Cappy's place again and sat to talk.

Without saying much, she clocked onto the fact that my quiet growl and abruptness indicated frayed nerves. A tense quiet.

Her husband came back from Kosovo the same way.

Not good.

So, she made an executive decision for me and decided to show some faith.

Not show, promise and leave.. demonstrate. Validate. In concrete terms.

Thats exactly what was needed.

I started to function again.

With that, I realized the anger for what it is.

Im still angry. Very much so.

But with the kindness of people who believe in me and show the faith I need..

Its a lot to ask for faith, and I dont intend to prove them wrong.

The others? Lets just say that I wont waste my time.....
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NelsonD: friggin (cat) is running from one end of the apartment to another... cats are strange.
JPennant: tools for the easily amused :-)
NelsonD: yaya

I might .. might... want one still.