While playing an old demo of Quake2, the CD accompaniment kicked in.. and I had Cameo's Greatest Hits in the tray..

I was rocking to the funk of yesteryear while blowin' up schtuff.. :-)

Then I heard this tune

...
Maybe..
Im wrong about the way I feel
But then, will somebody tell me
What is really real

Now..
I respect myself
I respect you too

But..
In the end
Its got to be
doing to me as I'd do to you

- Skin Im In, Cameo.

...

As the lady behind the counter of the dominican-owned and staffed Bronx eatery redid my food order, he came beside me and whispered sotto voce into my ear.. "They got the order wrong because theyre 'Dumb-minicans'..get it?"

Yeah, I got it - but only raised my head upward in a silent nod.

"Heheh. Dumb-minicans. Heheh"

'Dumb'ass grinned at his self-evident wit as I turned back to the ladies and made sure I was VERY nice to them. I wanted to kick his ass out of the eatery myself...on general principle, really.. just so I could feel better for all the good dominican folk in and out of my life that I felt he had just personally slurred.

Later, he asked the Cappy why was she hanging out with "that nigger".

Based on the garbage he had breathed into my ear, I wasnt overly surprised, and only went "He really said that, eh?", when she related an extremely censored version of his conversations.

...

Is it for real
Or am I seeing shadows in the dark

I'll let you tell me..

Can YOU tell me?
...

Personally, I ve never had the nigger epithet hurled into my face directly.

But Ive always assumed variations on the theme went on behind my back and around me. Most folk of color do. Thats why we listen for it, even when we dont hear it directly, paying attention to whats often not said.

We would rather know what is really going on.

Then you can deal.

Yes, I do know. Not everyone sez it and not everyone thinks like that..

But shit, if a *Puerto Rican* of multi-ethnic ancestry said that..

Bronx born and raised, he praises his multi-ethnic friends and community.. but in private - would rather think of himself as 'spanish'.

You figure out the code.

Heh.

Ironically, the Cappy's family and friends make no such distinction.

To my face, they say 'swarthy'.

I dont make a distinction either.

I say other things.

...
Im just trying to be
for real
In a world
with less and less appeal
...

I often stand and look at the street sign by my corner in this town of diverse polish/italian/central american/asian cultures, indicating the street as Martin Luther King Avenue..

I stare at the blank space where someone had taken the time to carefully cut out and remove the image of the man being honored, leaving the rest of the sign intact.

When I do, stories go through my mind, like the one related to me the other night, where a young Bayonne cop, confronted by an unruly group in one of the projects and feeling his oats, yelled..

"We OWN you niggers!"

As I looked at the sign, painted with the colors of the american flag, I had no doubt whoever did the deed - doing what he probably thought as his civic duty - would vehemently deny in public he was in any way a bigot.

...
Is it immoral
or a sin
according to the skin Im in
...

Nowhere in the song "Skin Im in" does Larry Blackmon of Cameo indicate or mention specific races.

For its not just about any particular race. Or race for that matter.

The feelings arent unique to any single race or culture.

Thats why Im not really angry. Just more and more disappointed as I get older and I see more of what I dont always hear.

...
Its love..
That is the creed by which I live

Im just trying to be
realistic

But Im becoming
pessimistic..
...

I give thanks for the folk who try.