As I watched the world weather on BBC World News this morning, the local weather came through and announced itself.

This 140 year old house, the original frame built of sturdy ships timber, which has seemed solid the time Ive been here, shuddered under the high winds and rain.

Nothing it hasnt probably seen before, but enough that it gave me pause.

But really, its just a nasty cold front and weather system passing through.

Bad weather has been a hallmark of this winters weekends.

The forecasts for mild temps have really only been pipe dreams, as the actual weather has stayed pretty much cold.

But I see hope in the latest weather as spring being around the corner.

Looking forward to it.
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Here is where I have to be honest, since I sooo demand honesty from other folk...

Why I am not working.

I am afraid I am going to die if I push myself.

Eeeh.

Yeah, there's a reason you cant be always blunt. Now Im gonna get missives from folk concerned about me.

Please dont. I aint looking for sympathy.

I used to be fatalistic about it all, to the point of not expecting to be alive by now - so I didnt really care about money and a career track.

Then as I was doing what I thought I wanted to do, my body started showing why stress and bad habits can be killer.

That scared the fuck outta me. Particularly in the last few years as the jobs got even more stressful and I started feeling even worse.

And then, working with the last client - I only went in when necessary, as I literally felt seriously ill every time I had to trek to that smoke-filled and noisy office.

Apart from emergency client calls, I really havent worked since.

With those experiences in mind.. I have not gone ahead and gotten work that I know would easily launch me past this financial crunch.
Because Im afraid of what the work will do to me.

Man, that is not a way to live.

I am tired of this self-sabotage.

Kate, Tish, Jules of NY and other folk who give a damn about have been giving me great support in whatever I choose to do.

I should do the same for myself.

I am lucky enough to be in an area, whatever I want to do, whatever kind of work I really desire I can have it.

I know what I want.. and I know what I have to do to get it.

God willing, I may even survive it.
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