Ive decided.

I'm not gonna have a cat.

Not in the forseeable future anyway.

Having a cat is not conducive to living the mobile laptop life that I desire.

I may get fish instead.

Although...

When Id babysit my niece, when she was a toddler.. she would be lively and rambunctious and fight with her last whine and plead the sleep schedule my sister had her on.

Of course, she would be unconscious 5 minutes past that bedtime - but as Id tuck her in, she would wake up and say "Go to bed too, Uncle Joey".
I'd tell her "Soon, sweetheart" and she would be out again.

Im reminded of that, as every time I go into the study for some computer time late at night.. HappyCat comes padding in chirping at me.

No matter if he has ignored me all day, he comes in chirping at me to go to bed.
I'll stroke his fur as he curls around me, tell him "I'll go to bed soon, papi", and after a few more chirps, he'll yawn and pad back to the comforters.

It's just a cat.

But still....
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*sigh*

I didnt want to get into this, but all right.

You ask why Im upset.

Because you said I should have faced up to reality, and not be deluded about your intentions.

I wasnt.

Here is the thing.. I really dont like deluding myself. About anyone.

To the point I will believe the worst in people, as far more often than not, sooner than later, I wont be disappointed.

Because believing in folk in this day, age and culture means one is deluding oneself, and not being realistic.

I decided to take a leap of faith, and believe in you tho.
Even though I didnt expect you to live up to what I asking - I decided, after MUCH deliberation and rationalization, to consciously make the decision and believe.
I was not being as capricious or as foolhardy as it appeared.

And I needed to believe in somebody.

All my friends thought I was losing my mind, shit-canning all my pride.. as they thought I was being unbelievably reckless in being deluded in having faith in someone.
In you.
They didnt and couldnt see it working it out.

Hell, I had my own doubts.
So did you.

Someone asked me "Doesnt she know you have some really important shit to deal with?"

But I told them, hey, its not her, its me - I gotta have faith.

Much was the noise I heard when some found out that all their warnings were right.
As someone put it "She took the better offer. New York does that to women."
They were expecting it.

So was I, as I was the least surprised of them all.
Of course, as I would have done the same thing, if I were being realistic.

I was relieved, cuz hey.. now I didnt have to worry about having faith in anyone.
I could now not worry about any distractions and focus on the things I have to do.

But I will not regret having a little faith in someone.

I still had my pride.

So, I told them to mind their fucking beeswax, as I made my decisions consciously, with much thought and with no regrets.

My pride was still intact.

Until YOU told me I shouldnt have been so stupid as to have deluded myself.
And in defending yourself, you kept saying it.

Unfortunately, of all the things you couldve said, THAT would be exactly the wrong thing to say right then.

THAT would make me upset. And stay that way.

I dont know if you appreciate how much work it is to have faith.

Am I mad? Not really, as now that I dont have to delude myself - it clears my mind.

Remember, I did ask you to be straight with me.
That is all I asked.
I expected more, but that is all I asked.

Cause if I counted on myself to appreciate that I was deluding myself - to know any better - I wouldnt have bothered making the leap of faith at all those months ago.

RIght now, Im wishing I didnt have to say all this nonsense, because love isnt about hating the ones you care about.

But Im defending my pride and future right now.

Oh, you didnt mean me?

Well, never mind then.
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Oh, man, I do miss that camera.

Today was a beautifully mild and bright day.

Cant buy color like that.

A new camera is on my shopping list.

What is on my list?

Well, as soon as I get fitted with my noose again and the rent, bills and debts are paid...

- Laptops: A decent grade Pentium and a G3 Powerbook. Yes, I would need both.
- Camera.. A Fuji Finepix 4700.. although with excellent alternatives out there.. I'll be shopping around.
- The Ricochet service. As much as I like hi-speed service.. I like mobility and independence even more...
- A nice suit or two. It bothers me that I dont have any in my wardrobe now...
- Coupla round-trip tickets. There are trips I wanna take, people I wanna see, honey I gotta pick up...

And thats the short term.

The Mercedes 400E will have to wait. :-)
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HappyCat is being madd insistent now.

Hilarious with his eyes half-closed, stumbling around. :-)

Soon, papi, soon.

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