Random thoughts:

All my adult life, Ive been a wanderer.

I go where I want, when I want, pretty much.
I dont feel I need anyone's permission.

That never really started as a conscious mantra.
I was a reserved person growing up, and in protecting my sensitive innards from the boorish, the snobbish and the thoughtless - it just got reinforced.

I grew to prefer my own company.

So yeah, I like being on my own timetable.

- All this past week Ive been meaning to head over to Brooklyn, see Tito, take care of some business, see Teresa's baby for the first time.. but for various reasons (sleep, cold, laziness) I havent.

Thats not good.. although the tertiary side-effects (I dont have to spend much money, and I dont have to deal with the trains, the travel and the cold) arent so bad.

- I worry that Tish thinks Im avoiding her, or dont want to see her. She knows my personality and gives me a lot of space, and anyway, likes not feeling suffocated herself - but I wonder if she's feeling like I dont care.

I do.

But old habits are hard to break, and Im trying to change them...
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I like my friends being plain and straight up with me.. hell, I consider that as part of the job description.

Its not always pleasant, but it often needs to be done.

A close friend had been acting up and playing the fool, thinking that he was playing everyone for fools.

He wasnt.

I was gonna talk to him, but didnt until others convinced me he needed to hear the truth.

So, I did my job, and walked away.

He was hurt, but he heeded the message and has started righting himself.

What he doesnt appreciate is that I held back, and not cut into him with my rapier tongue. (Know a Virgo, is to know their sharpest weapons are their words.)
I couldve nuked him, but I cut him enough to feel the message, not to let him bleed.
It wasnt all his fault, and he is basically a good man.
He has been good to me, and been a good friend. I never forget things like that.

So there was no need to wage war.

However, he is still hurt & pissed at me - even though he tries to shield it. But we remain cordial...

I still consider him my friend. I dont need him as an enemy.. because then he would be dead to me.

In his anger tho, he's tried to wound me subtly.
But all it has taken from me is a few choice comments to remind him as to just how sensitive he is.

Although he is one who relishes a good fight, he knows me well enough not to fuck with me, as I tend to be relentless in returning the favor if Im so motivated.

Yes, I am good at fucking with people if Im motivated.

You dont want me motivated.
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Another friend started a conversation today on IM with a sarcastic "You found a job yet?".

A sharp flare of anger, quickly subdued, almost compelled me to say in return "Why motherfucker, do I owe you money?"

But I merely deflected it with a smile and a "That sounds suspiciously like work."

That ended that.

As my friend, he wants me to do as well as he is currently doing. Hell, I trained him. He wants to be proud of me.
As he is of himself.

I keep wanting to tell people.. I CHOSE my life's path.

I made my own choices. Some willingly, some unwillingly.

I am not an unfortunate victim of anything.

So what if Im not making six-figures. I dont want to do what it takes to do that.

I want a different life. Im stubborn on that point.

If I make six figures on that path, mo' better.

I dont want to be like my friend telling everyone how much I make, how much near-millions in stock options I lost from being fired from my previous job and how much it costs to live a lifestyle.

Yes, I know I could be making madd money if I had applied myself to that pursuit.

Yes, I know I could be paying more in taxes in a year than Ive made gross all last year.

My life could be vastly different.

Sure, that would be nice - but thats not the life I chose. I dont do regrets.

I still feel strongly that I am where I am supposed to be at this point of my life.

I have dreams, and Im rediscovering them.

Money is important. But its not the only thing that is important.

So, if you ask me that question again...
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From everclear's site.

"Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind.
To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse.
To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better.
To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better."
-King Whitney Jr.

Wow. I like that.
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I was speaking (on IM) to Gigi, showing empathy on the possible reduction of force in her division.

I love it when she calls me Mr Miyagi, by the way. :-)

It turned out, she was the one who gave the biggest boost.

Unfortunately, I didnt save the conversation - but she eloquently encouraged me to focus my efforts on photojournalism. (Do it!!)

I needed to hear that.

Although, as I told her.. I will prolly have to become independently wealthy before that happens.. :-)

But it is nice to hear.
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Kate really takes some things to heart.

I was bitchin' and whinin' about how irritating it was to hook up with people, who a short time later are looking at their watch saying they had someplace else to be.

No, it aint just my breath - its pathological with folk in New York.

She thought I was talking about her.

Not at all. Kate is actually one of the folk who does NOT make a habit of doing it.

She usually makes time, because when she wants to hang out, she hangs out.

Almost all my other NY folk from Lilbro to Tish to Jules on the other hand, act like theyre always on the fucking clock.
*Sheesh* It gets irritating.
Guys.. I can waste three hours by myself in front of the TV and have just as good a time, yanno?

Well, no - but you get the point.

And people wonder why Im not always enthusiastic about going out.

It aint just my anti-social tendencies.

Whats ironic, the other night - after we had a good, leisurely time with shopping dinner and walking, Kate was surprised that it wasnt late at all when it was time to part ways..

See?, I told her.. hanging out on the town doesnt always mean that time has to be wasted, even if you have somewhere else to go.

She still thinks I meant her in my rant.. :-)
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Folk think Ive gone loopy with my fixation on fuzzy slippers.

No, no - there is a practical reason for that.

In this winter of cold discontent, my extremities have been freezing.

Combine that with the popularity of hardwood floors, and...

Im finding out fuzzy slippers are PRACTICAL.

I can now see why folk in the old days used to wear stocking caps, scarves and wool socks to bed.

I wanted a big ol' fuzzy bear slipper thingie.. but apparently they dont do tacky in NYC.. so Im getting a belated christmas present soon...

Whoo, my tootsie's will be thankful.
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