Living at the YMCA taught me a lot of things..

From the brothers I learned an adults perspective about sex, money, music, philosophy, politics etc etc etc. A lot of wisdom was imparted to me.

Importantly, I tried to listen and understand.

And yet when the subject of being under 30, they would just shake their heads and say "You have NO idea yet."

There was just some things they couldnt teach me.

Sho nuff.. its getting deep years after 30 passed...

Talking to Gigi..

gigi: it would be *nice* to work only 6 mos/year!
JPennant: If I actually worked, I would agree. :-)
gigi: joe, you could work. it is your choice. :-)
JPennant: absolute
JPennant: This might sound odd to you..
gigi: odd? tell me!!! :p
JPennant: Most clients end up offering me a permanent job
JPennant: In fact, the last photographer I worked with did
JPennant: when he did, I just wanted to turn around and flee
gigi: you don't like feeling confined like that?
JPennant: Its not a matter of being confined.
JPennant: It may sound odd, but my basic nature is that of a workaholic.
JPennant: When I was younger, I woulda freaked out and taken the first decent job offered.
gigi: but now, you know what it's like, so you're not worried. they'll always be a job for you, it's just a matter of you wanting it

When I was younger, I used to be disdainful of those who didnt want to work.

Hey, I thought it was a simple matter.

Now I find I can be classified as a hippie drop out.

I have a LOT of respect for those trying to live their lives a certain way....

It aint easy and it requires a lot of guts.

Stubborness, if you will.

JPennant: There is a reason Im not looking for the ez 9-5.
gigi: and what is that reason?
JPennant: Hard to explain, but it has something to do with choosing a path, and how difficult it is to get back on the path you want once you step off it.
gigi: ahhhh...
gigi: like a rollercoaster, sorta. once you get on, you can't get off, at least for a little while. until it stops. and then, you're all disoriented.
JPennant: No, its more like switching trains, and catching one that turns out to take you far from where you want to go.
JPennant: Notice how much of a hassle it is to get back on the right track?
JPennant: I dunno if Im on the right train, but I know Im on the right track.. and I dont want to jump off this track.
gigi: and where do you think this track leads?
gigi: do you have any ideas?
JPennant: oh yes.
gigi: care to share?
JPennant: I would, but Im only now just starting to appreciate it.
gigi: heh. gotcha
gigi: :-)

I dunno if she did. But I'm telling ya - crossing the age of 30 is important because of this:

You start realizing you are running out of time.

You start APPRECIATING shit.

There is a reason the military prefer their soldiers to be under 30....

JPennant: I used to think I had it all figured out. :-)
gigi: that's what everyone thinks at one time or another, right? ;-)
JPennant: heheh. yep.
JPennant: Along the way, In figuring things out.. I forgot my dreams
JPennant: Im only now rediscovering them.
JPennant: The trick is shedding the extraneous baggage I accumulated along the way, so that I can focus on what Im supposed to be doin.
gigi: extraneous baggage..... keep your life simple, right?
JPennant: Well, thats partly it
gigi: and what life are you on now?
JPennant: but the 'baggage' also includes attitudes, fears and the like that Im realizing are hindering me.
gigi: what are you afraid of?
JPennant: being broke, alone, hurt etc.
JPennant: All the mechanisms I put up to defend myself from those things are turning out to be hindering , not helping.
gigi: do you think it would help if you let your guard down a little? perhaps you are shielding yourself away from someone/something that could actually help you?
JPennant: oh yes.
JPennant: I wish it only took a day to do that.
JPennant: and if it were as simple as letting ones guard down
gigi: yeah, i know. but that is an important first step. you have to learn to trust
JPennant: the persona and attitudes worked well for me for a long time
gigi: trust other people, trust yourself.
JPennant: dahlin, if you only knew the half of it.
JPennant: Let see

<*private shytte snipped*>

gigi: omigosh! i had no idea!
JPennant: There are good reasons for having my guard up
JPennant: Right now Im trying to move on....
JPennant: Im trying to prove there is no reason for me to have my guard up.
JPennant: Because Im better than that.
gigi: but i can understand. things like that can really scar a person. and sometimes they take awhile to get over b/c what gurantees do they have that it will never happen again? that it could be different next time?
JPennant: Im trying to get to the point where it doesnt matter.
gigi: i'm sorry you were so hurt. :-(
JPennant: Thats the thing ... my defenses work :-)
gigi: i see. :-)
JPennant: Even so, at this stage of life, they are hindering me, keeping me back.

Yep. My defenses are quite effective.

Im not this way 'just because'...

But those defenses are making me miss out on some of the joy of life...

.
JPennant: now, money wise.. thas another, yet related matter.
JPennant: If I had money, would I feel like Im on the right track?
JPennant: When I HAD money, I thought i was.
JPennant: It was a pair of bounteous boobs that made me realize I wasnt. :-)
gigi: hahaha
gigi: never had 'em, never will!
JPennant: Heh
JPennant: Well, these boobs were attached to a woman I wouldve done ove rand over in a heartbeat.
gigi: hehe
JPennant: To be fair though she isnt so shallow that its only money that wouldve kept her with me..
JPennant: It IS money that wouldve gotten those boobs. She was the one who whispered in my ear. "Wow, youre a good catch.. where do you keep the money?"
JPennant: She was joking. But not by much. :-)
JPennant: But.. I didnt want her that badly.
JPennant: And I didnt want my life w/money that badly.
gigi: yeah, 'cuz that's not what's important to you
JPennant: Even tho I WANTED money and those ta-ta's. :-)
gigi: yeah, ok joe. as long as you're being honest about it! ;-)
JPennant: The bigger question was .. what was it did I want so badly that I could taste it??
gigi: umm.... companionship? fun? sex?
gigi: love?
JPennant: All that can be bought.. and not for a whole helluva lot either.
JPennant: Its enlightening that the biggest urge I had with **** wasnt sex?
JPennant: No, what I wanted to do for her was to 'protect her dreams'
JPennant: as corny as that sounds.
gigi: hmmm.... i wonder what that really says? i would think in an ideal situation, there would be both. the sexual and the emotional urges.
JPennant: But that was vitally important to me.
JPennant: In any case, after awhile I realized that it was just as important to protect MY dreams.
JPennant: The dreams I thought were gone and lost after all the years.
JPennant: Your dreams and soul shouldnt be that cheap as to set a price on them.
JPennant: or be willing to set a price on them.

Thats about when I realized...

A reason we throw away or dreams or soul is that we often get to the point where we are willing to set a price on them.

Our dreams and soul arent ours to sell.

They are that valuable.



gigi: joe, i would love to get into a more philosophical conversation about this, but right now, i have to go to a meeting.
JPennant: Yar. :-)
gigi: i hope you're doing ok. i do worry about you, you know!
JPennant: Thanks for the insights, princess mochi :-)
gigi: haha, talk to you soon!!

Wow. That was deep.