(Written from the Bayonne Public Library)

I am broke. Flat-lined broke. But I am not destitute.. even though this is a nagging fear, as I have rent and bills to pay.

But, hey - I will always have bills and obligations.

Last night, going into the 33rd Street PATH station in manhattan, there was a woman, panhandling, who asked me if I could spare a quarter.

As I walked past her, instead acting like she didnt exist, I looked her in the eye, and said "Im sorry, I dont have it."

In fact, I dont. I didnt.

I had an unbroken 20 dollar bill in my pocket, that is going to have to stretch for as long as possible.

Her response was a weary, but civilized "Ok. Well, have a good night."

No. I wasnt traumatized by guilt. I wouldve been very justified to put her out of my mind as I would most panhandlers and be self-concerned by my own poverty. But she touched me by the civility, the acceptance.

Lumbering down the stairs, my feet barking from the uncomfortable dress shoes, I mumbled to her.. "Thank you. You too."

I went directly to the Hudson News newsstand to buy a 50 cent paper to break the twenty, spending a good deal of time deciding...

Not if I would go back up the stairs, but what to give her.

I got the change.. and counted out some bills.

I went back up, found her and gave her the bills.

When she saw I wasnt just giving her loose, ill-considered spare change, but greenbacks and a few extra shiners.. her eyes crinkled as she smiled at me.

No, it wasnt a lot.

Could I spare it? Yes and no.

I have no idea as to when I'll be good. I need every cent.
But the money I gave her, wouldve been spent anyway, with not as much thought as Id like to think.

No. It wouldnt have impacted me greatly.

And her eyes crinkling confirmed to me that her soul isnt dead, and I wasnt being hustled.

As I walked away, she said.. "THANK you. You be safe, ok?"

I smiled back and said.. "Ok. You too."

In retrospect, I now know what I wanted in return for doing it.

It wasnt pure altruism. I did it because I dont ever want to be on the streets panhandling. Even though Im only two steps away from it.

I didnt do it because it was the "right thing to do".

I didnt do it because I "understood what its like".

But I understood the genuiness of her thanks. The same feeling I get when my friends help me, because.

The people who I intend to pay back several times over.

They might think theyre just helping, and I used to consider it just a loan to be repaid with interest.

What I now appreciate is that it is indeed an INVESTMENT in me. I consider them, and legally, as investors in me and my dreams.

Yep. Investors. No less important than the wealthy folk Im trying to hit up for seed money.

And what I gave that woman was a small investment, a reward even, for endeavoring to keep her civility in intact while her soul is...... being tried.

What I now know I wanted, but didnt realize it because I was in such a hurry, was that I wanted to sit down and talk to her.

I wanted to see a little of her lifetime.

Not from pity, or feelings of charity. I am interested. Keenly interested.

If I had the money, I would buy her a coffee, some smokes and sit down away from the cold and talk.

Ironically, if I had the money right then - I doubt I wouldve done or feel the need this keenly.

If I had even a few hundred dollars in reserve, I wouldnt feel it as keenly to start this little venture Ive been turning over in my mind for years.

I would be waiting on the 'right time'.

To act on what I know, what I expect, and what a lot of people see as a venture which will enrich me materially far beyond my expectations.

Even though I absolutely expect it to.

Yes, I am flat broke, and it is NOT fun - but thank god that I am.

It is a million dollar experience.

Literally.

I truly believe everyone should have the oportunity to be there, at poverty's door, at least once in their adult lives.
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